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Discussing this kind of mushy stuff with my brothers was a huge mistake. I was basically handing them ammunition to use against me for years to come. One day, I’d regret admitting all this shit to them; I just knew it. But for now, I needed their help, their opinions, and their perspective.
I barked out an embarrassed laugh. “I haven’t felt this drawn toward anyone, and we get a lot of women in here.”
“You know, I felt that way about Jess when I first saw her,” Nick said, his voice as sincere as I’d ever heard it. “There was something between us that I’d never felt before. I think there are just some people that you’re drawn to, and you can’t fight it or explain it. Which sucks because we’re men, and we don’t like emotions.” He grinned and pounded his chest like Tarzan.
“I like emotions,” Ryan said, and I swore right then and there that he had a vagina. “What? That’s what I’ve been looking for. That’s the kind of thing I want.”
I scoffed at him. “That’s why you dated every girl who came in our bar for months?”
Ryan had gone through a phase when it seemed like he gave pretty much every woman who wanted one a chance. It wasn’t until he realized that he was creating a really bad situation for himself and our bar that he stopped.
Women constantly came in to flirt with Ryan, to beg him for another chance, to put him on the spot about what went wrong, or why he didn’t like them. But what they didn’t understand was that Ryan was working and they were coming into his place of business, basically harassing him anytime they pleased, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.
Ryan thought for a moment before answering. “It took me a long time to realize that having chemistry with someone wasn’t the same as having a connection. Chemistry is all physical. Connection is spiritual. I want the connection.”
“When you get married, will you wear the dress?” I teased, and Ryan narrowed his eyes at me.
“I won’t apologize for knowing what I want. It’s a hell of a lot better than the situation you’re in and clearly never getting out of,” he bit out.
Now that just pissed me right off. I could and would beat the hell out of my brother if he didn’t shut up.
“Everyone calm down.” Nick raised his hands in the air, playing the role of peacekeeper.
“He’s just getting pissed because he knows I’m right.” Ryan shoved back his stool and stood up.
I couldn’t help but wonder if he was right. Instead, I said, “This isn’t helping.”
Nick shook his head. “On the contrary, I think we’ve accomplished more tonight than we have in the last five years. At least I have a way better understanding of you now. I just think it really sucks.”
I wanted to ask them each what they would do if they were me, but it wouldn’t matter. I knew they’d both say that they’d leave Shelby, but it was easy to say that when it wasn’t your reality. It was easy to think you know how you’d react in a situation when it wasn’t the one you were living.
Nick gave me a pointed look. “Remember how pissed you were when I told you what Dad was doing to me?”
I nodded, remembering how the overwhelming urge to protect him from the hell he was dragged into had surged through me. But his situation and mine weren’t even close to the same thing.
“It’s how I feel for you now. I want to stop this train you’re on. I want you to be able to get off, or at least feel like you have a choice in the matter.”
Damn. Nick made it sound so simple and easy when it was anything but. I didn’t feel like I had a choice when it came to this . . . I felt like I had an obligation. I was required to stay put, no matter what, because I’d given a man my word. And I intended to keep it.
Calmer now, Ryan said, “Watching you live like this is really hard. Knowing the reasons behind it makes it even harder. I don’t know why. It should make it easier, right? Because it all makes perfect sense, but it somehow makes it all worse.”
I understood more than he knew. When you made a promise to a dead man, there was no negotiating. The words you said were written in blood, cast in stone, sent down a river made of his daughter’s tears. They couldn’t be taken back because there was no one to take them back from. Promises made to a dead man were permanent.
“What are you going to do?” Ryan asked as he went back to washing glasses.
“I don’t know.” I said it like it was my new fucking mantra. Those three words seemed to be my answer for every question these days. But if leaving Shelby had been an easy decision, I would have done it years ago.
“Can I have Claudia’s number then, because she’s—” Ryan let out an appreciative whistle, and I bristled at him. My jaw flexed and tightened before he lifted his hands from the soapy water in surrender. “Kidding! I’m just kidding. I’d never do that.”
“But if you don’t call her, Frank, someone else eventually will,” Nick said. “And if you think there might really be something there between you and her, well . . . trust me. It’s worth sacrificing all the other shit it takes to get there.”
Was it worth my conscience? What if Nick was wrong?
And what if I was wrong and there was nothing between Claudia and me except mutual attraction? After all, I’d been out of the game a long time. What if everything I thought I was feeling was a lie? What if I ruined everything, crushing Shelby in the process, for what ended up being nothing, some sort of trick my mind played on me?
How did you decide what was worth the risk and what wasn’t?
Fuck if I knew.
