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I didn’t care that he didn’t want me. I just didn’t want him to go.
That’s… twisted… I know.
I can’t explain it and no one, least of all Katy, would understand. So, I didn’t try. It didn’t matter. Nothing did anymore. I slid my hands into my unwashed hair and pulled it down over my face, retreating beneath the dirty strands. Katy paused in her berating of me and sat down on the bed. She started to rub my back, an all too familiar ritual now.
“Maddie,” she began. “This can’t go on. Honey, look. Grey is a piece of shit, forget about him.”
I inhaled a deep, shaky breath as she finished. I couldn’t take it any longer. Elbowing her off of me, I shot into a seated position, ripping the sheets aside. Katy recoiled in a mix of horror and disbelief.
“Shut up, Katy! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” I screamed as tossed my head back and forth. Shaking, I covered my ears and yelled, “I’m in love with him. Goddamn it! Can’t you see that! I love him. I love him. I love him! And now… he’s gone. My heart is broken, Katy. I’m broken…”
Grief poured from me as my aching tear ducts produced yet more evidence of my sorrow.
“Ohhhh,” I sobbed as I reached for her in desperation. “Ohhh, Katy.” I sucked in gulps of air between each sob. “I love him. I love him. I-I love him so much.”
Katy swept me into her arms and cradled me. I could feel the heat from my tears and my breath meeting the coolness of her arms as I wept.
“Maddie, shh, oh my goodness. Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. Shhh… please.”
I broke free from her and collapsed back into the bed. As my head hit the pillow I stared up at the ceiling through a haze of tears. I didn’t bother to wipe them away. More would surely follow. I continued to choke for bits of breath as I cried. Katy moved up close and did her best to try and console me.
“What am I going to do, Katy?” I muttered. “I’m so afraid.”
“I know you are, honey. I know,” she replied. “It’s going to be okay.”
“No,” I choked. “It isn’t. I-It’s going to get worse, Katy. Much, much worse. L-Look at me! Grey’s gone and I’ve got nothing. The baby’s not going to live. I can feel it.”
“No, no… Maddie. You can’t talk that way. Please don’t do that, honey. I’m begging you.”
I looked up at her and nodded. My breath hitched in between sobs.
“It’s true, Katy. I can feel it.”
Katy swallowed me with her upper body again, hugging me close. Tears convulsed from me as I leaned into her shoulder, wetting it with my despair. I couldn’t believe he didn’t care. Didn’t love me. It just didn’t seem real. And the baby, oh my poor child. I should have listened to Dr. Simms. Oh, what a terrible thing I’d done. A terrible, awful thing. Just then, Katy pulled away and looked down at me.
“Maddie,” she began. “I’m just going to go get my phone and make a couple of calls. I’ll be right back. I promise. Okay?”
Half-listening, I stared back at her. After a sniffle I replied, “What about work? Aren’t you going back?”
She shook her head. “No. No way. I’ll be right here with you all day. I promise.”
I nodded. I felt my face wrinkle with ugliness once again as tears streamed. Katy reached to the nightstand and grabbed a couple of tissues, passing them to me.
“Here, sweetie.”
I took them from her and smeared away the sorrow from my cheeks.
“Will you be okay for a few minutes?”
“Yeah,” I whispered. “Thank you, Katy.”
She smiled and stood from the bed. Tugging a strand of her cinnamon brown hair behind her ear, she said, “Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat? Drink? A glass of water at least?”
I nodded. “Okay. A glass of water.”
Katy reached down and caressed my arm with her palm.
“Okay, honey. I’ll be right back.”
“Mmm, hmm.”
I rolled my head the pillow and followed her with my eyes as she walked out of the bedroom.. I’d cried all the tears it felt like I had within me. After a deep exhale, I slid out from beneath the sheets and planted my bare feet on the floor. Just then, I heard Katy in the living room making the calls she’d mentioned.
I pushed myself up from the bed and stood, readying myself for a quick bathroom break. As I did, I got a dreadful glimpse of myself in the mirror. Pale, disheveled, fat. Ugh, it literally could not get any worse. I puffed out a breath of disgust and began to make my way to the bedroom door.
But no sooner had I taken my third or fourth step, than a terrific pain shot through my abdomen. It crippled me in an instant, sending me to my knees in agony. I cried out as I slammed to the floor, banging my head on it as I did.
“Ahhhhh!!!!!” I screamed.
The pain was indescribable. It felt like I’d been stabbed with a thousand knives and they were all being twisted and tugged in my belly.
“Maddie?” Katy called out from the living room.
“Ahhhh! Katy! Help!”
I heard her race down the hallway.
“Maddie, oh my God!” she exclaimed as she entered. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
“Uunnnhhh…” I moaned as I rolled around, clutching my belly.
Katy leaned away from me. Raising her hands in confusion she said, “What? What’s wrong? What can I do?”
“My… stomach.” I squealed. “The baby!”
“Oh Maddie, honey, I…” Katy stopped, her words sputtered to an end with a horrifying tone.
My eyes widened as I looked at the expression on her face. It wrinkled in shock as she pointed a shaky finger in my direction.
“Oh sweetie,” she began. “Oh no.”
My hands trembled with terror as I followed the line of her quivering digit. Not wanting to see, I pinched my eyes shut with one last hope it would all work out. But as I turned my head down and looked between my thighs, an evil crimson stain confirmed my worst fears.
MADDIE
“No, Katy! Don’t call him.”
“Maddie, don’t be ridiculous.” Katy stood next to me with her arms folded across her chest and a scowl etched into her brow. “Grey needs to know what is going on! I know you’re angry with him and hurting right now, but it’s his child too.”
I’d been at the hospital for hours. They’d run a million tests on me but still hadn’t given me an answer about what was happening with the baby. All around me, monitors and devices beeped and clicked with irritating consistency. Frustrated, I wanted to rip the tubes from my arms and run, just fucking get away. I exhaled and leaned my head back into the uncomfortable foam rubber pillow, which held the heavy aroma of bleach. I could hear and smell everything, like a thousand times more than normal, and it was driving me crazy.
“I know it’s Grey’s baby Katy, uh, I’m not stupid.” I sighed. “Please don’t yell at me right now.”
Wordless, Katy dropped her arms and moved close to me. Lifting one hand to my forehead, she brushed my hair away from my eyes. Her fingertips felt cool against my perspiration-coated skin. I rolled my head in her direction, looking up into her eyes. Until now, Katy had showed strength when it came to my condition. But everyone has a breaking point and as glassiness flashed across her irises, it became apparent she’d reached hers.
“Oh honey,” she gasped as she raised her free hand to her mouth. “Oh sweetie.”
Tears dribbled down, cascading across her fingers and dropping with an audible pat, pat, pat onto the bed sheet. I had no tears left to cry. The emotions that spawned them had left me when they wheeled me into the emergency room twelve hours earlier.
Instead, a sobering, hollow numbness took their place.
During the weeks I’d lived in denial at Katy’s place, my daydreams led me along a primrose path. Somehow, I convinced myself everything would work out. That once Grey knew the truth about my pregnancy, he’d realize how much he cared. If not for me, then at least for the baby. No one was that callous, cold or self-centered. That’s what I told myself.
But that was before I wound up here, flat on my back and face-to-face with the grim truth of my situation.
Now, where pleasant distraction once occupied my mind, real life, practical considerations intruded every waking moment. If I lost the baby, how would I pick up and go on? I would have to work and survive. But, I’d have to start over with nothing. Everything I worked to build with Grey was destroyed; I could never go back.
If the baby lived, it was a far worse scenario. I didn’t worry too much that Grey wouldn’t meet his financial obligations but as far as ever seeing his child? Hah! Not likely. Anything short of a healthy, beautiful baby would fall far short of Grey Sinclair’s standards. Add to the fact that I was hardly billionaire marriage material, and well, I wasn’t left with much of anything to be optimistic about in that situation.
Katy continued to sob, leaning over and hugging me close. I didn’t bother to try to hug her back. My entire body ached. It was far easier to remain limp and still.
“M-Maddie,” she gulped. “I-I’ll be here for you. N-No matter w-what.”
“I know, Katy. Thank you.”
I summoned what little strength I had to return her affection. As I reached up for her, the tubes in my arms restrained me but I returned Katy’s embrace as best I could and rubbed her back as she wept. I felt terrible for her, but I didn’t even have the energy to tell her to stop.
