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“No, not a boyfriend, just someone I went out with a few times, no big deal,” Sasha said with a shrug. “Let’s finish up so I can kick your ass.” She attempted a smile, and I nodded.
I was content to finish out our date and not get into a serious discussion about this Sean guy in the middle of the bowling alley, but I didn’t like the expression he’d put on her face, and I vowed to get to the bottom of things once we got back home.
Chapter 14 – Sasha
I was being ridiculous. I knew it, could feel it, but couldn’t stop it.
Yes, when I’d first hooked up with Sean, I’d laid it all on the line and explained to him that I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend, a husband, or a baby daddy. Those weren’t things I wanted in my life. Yes, when he’d told me that our “hook-ups” had run their course, and he was ready to find someone who was ready to settle down, I’d been a little upset that he’d let me go so easily. But … to see that he’d already moved on, to a short, blonde chick who looked like she was already picking out china patterns in her head, really upset me.
I didn’t want to be with Sean. I knew that … Yet, I felt betrayed by the fact that he was already dating Marley. Even though I was at the bowling alley, on a date with TJ. It was not rationale at all. But it was how I felt.
I walked into my bedroom and pulled off my clothes, throwing them into the basket in the corner, and crawling into bed.
I felt the bed dip and heard TJ’s voice, “Hey, Red. Talk to me.”
“I’m sorry, TJ, but I’m not in the mood now,” I mumbled in the pillow, hoping that he wouldn’t be pissed that I wasn’t fulfilling the promises I’d been making since this morning.
“I got that,” TJ replied. I felt the bed give way and looked up when I heard his zipper going down. I watched through the sheet of my hair as he shucked of his pants and pulled his shirt over his head, then pulled back the covers and settled in. “Come here,” he said, patting his tanned, muscled chest.
I maneuvered enough to get under the blankets myself, clad in only my underwear, and scooted over to lay my head on his chest. He began to run his fingers through my hair, and I sighed, closing my eyes and letting the feeling of calm overtake me.
“So … Who’s Sean?” TJ prompted.
I brought my hand up to rest on his abdomen and absently doodled on his skin as I thought about how I should answer. Truthfully, I decided. This was TJ after all, and he’d seen all of us girls at our best, and worst. I knew he could handle it.
“He’s no one, really. He’s the last guy I was hooking up with. It ended a few days before you moved in here. He knew the
drill … I wasn’t looking for anything serious, yada yada yada,” I said softly as I doodled. “I was all set to give him the big kiss off, but he beat me to it. Said he was ready to find a woman that wants to settle down, and he knew I was not that woman. I should have been glad. Instead, it hurt. I don’t know why, I didn’t love him or anything. Maybe it was just my pride that was hurt.”
“Do you really think it was your pride?” TJ questioned.
I sighed and attempted to shake my head against his chest. “I don’t know, I guess I wished that just once, I would find a guy that wasn’t willing to give up on me so easily,” I admitted, my chest feeling heavy.
“Have you changed your mind? Are you ready to be in a serious relationship, settle down, have kids?” TJ asked. I had the feeling he was playing devil’s advocate … Either that or Dr. Phil.
“I never want to have kids. That’s just not in the cards for me. But a serious relationship? Maybe. I don’t know,” I admitted.
“When you saw Sean tonight, did you want him back?”
“No, I think I just felt offended that he found his Mrs. Right already, I mean, we just stopped seeing each other a couple weeks ago, and he shows up tonight with little miss petite blonde. She couldn’t be more different from me. It made me wonder what he saw in me in the first place,” I whispered against him. “I know it doesn’t make sense, TJ, it’s just an insecurity. Maybe I’m tired of being the fantasy.”
TJ cupped his hand under my chin and lifted it, so I was looking him in the eyes.
“You are a fantasy, Red, no doubt about it. You’re independent, confident, and sexy as hell, but that’s not all you are, so don’t sell yourself short. You’ve kept these guys at an arm’s length, so they gave you what you expected them to. If you’re ready to move on to something more serious, you’re going to have to open yourself up, and put yourself out there. Don’t hold back,” TJ said softly, his eyes intent on mine.
His words made sense, and eased the ache in my chest a bit, but I couldn’t help but worry that I’d been keeping men at a distance for so long, that I wouldn’t have the first clue of how to allow them to get closer.
“Okay,” I replied, breaking eye contact and laying my head back down. When his fingers resumed stroking my hair, I almost purred. I felt totally content. “What if I put myself out there, and the guy still doesn’t want me?” I asked, voicing my fears.
“First of all, that guy would be a total jackass. Second of all, if it’s what you want, you have to go for it, no matter the consequences. Kind of like you did with your job, Red. When you first started out, you would meet up with us totally pissed because the older people in your office weren’t taking you seriously. They thought you were too young, and too rich, to ever put your heart and soul into real estate the way that they did. But what did you do? You proved them wrong. Now you’re on your way to opening your own agency, and you’ve accomplished things they never thought possible. You wanted it, you knew you could do it, so you achieved it. You can do anything, and have anyone that you want, Red. You just need to believe in yourself. I do,” TJ said, kissing the top of my head as his words flew over me like a soft caress.
“Thank you,” I said as my eyes began to fill. “That’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”
“Is that what you’re thinking?” he prodded. “That you’re ready to pursue a more serious relationship?”
“Gosh, TJ, I want to, but you know what my parents were like. They had a farce of a marriage during my childhood, and then hated each other through my teenage years. My mom gave up, and my dad was never around … That didn’t exactly make me eager to jump head first into a relationship, you know? I know Cal’s parents are amazing, but they seem like the exception, not the rule.”
“Yeah, I get that,” TJ replied. “Neither of us had great role models when it came to parents.”
