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We were saved from acting when Liam and Aliyah stood and turned off the TV.
“We’re gonna give you guys some privacy,” Aliyah said, gathering her things quickly and moving to pull Gwen in to a hug. She whispered something I couldn’t hear into her ear, then left the apartment. Followed by Liam.
Suddenly we were alone, yet still standing in the same spots.
“Hey,” I said, unable to stand the silence anymore. “Are you … Um … Do you wanna sit?”
Why did it suddenly seem so awkward? Like I couldn’t cross to her and take her into my arms like I wanted to.
Gwen stepped forward, biting her lip as she nodded at my question, then crossed to sit on the couch where Liam and Aliyah had just been. I crossed to join her, then stopped, unsure if I should sit next to her or give her space.
“Craig,” Gwen said, putting her hand on my wrist and causing me to look at her.
She bridged the gap and walked into my arms, so I held her tightly, my cheek resting on the top of her head.
“Imissed you,” I said
, feeling courageous after she made the first move.
“I missed you too,” she replied, her voice choking up.
She pulled back and motioned to the couch. “Sit, we need to talk.”
I sat, and watched as she eased down next to me, playing nervously with a thread that was hanging off her long-sleeved shirt.
“If you don’t mind, I’d just like to get it all out,” she began. “I met with a therapist friend of Gaby’s this morning, and we had a really great conversation. She’s going to set me up with someone that I can see up here on a regular basis, which I think will help a lot.”
“Okay, that sounds great, whatever you need,” I said, happy that she’d felt good about her appointment, and hopeful that it would help her work through whatever she needed.
“I need you to listen,” Gwen said, her green eyes intent on mine. “I’m going to tell you everything that happened with Brad and Dave, why I think I bottle things up, and why it’s been so hard for me to talk about it with you. You’ll probably want to ask questions, but just let me get it all out, okay? I’m afraid if I don’t say it all at once, I’ll freeze up and never do it.”
“I’m here for you, Gwennie, you know that,” I replied, hoping to assure her.
She took a deep breath and blew it out. Then her eyes welled up and she proceeded to break my heart.
“After talking with Gaby, and the therapist this morning, I think the reason I’ve kept everything bottled up stems back to my dad. When he left, I was an emotional wreck, and when I saw what my reaction was doing to my mom, Gaby, and even to him, I decided it was better for everyone if I kept my feelings to myself. And I didn’t like hurting in that way. The crying, the fear … so I stopped allowing myself to recognize those feelings and just locked them away. So I wouldn’t have to deal with them,” she chuckled dryly and brought her eyes to mine. “I’m not sure if I’m saying it right, or if it makes sense…”
I nodded, wanting her to know that I did understand, without interrupting.
I took her hand in mine, hoping that wouldn’t break her train of thought. She just looked so fragile that I had to touch her. To feel like I was offering some sort of comfort.
“Anyway,” she began again, flexing her hand under mine. “That’s why I think I bottle things up and don’t like to talk about my feelings, I don’t want to burden anyone else … or something like that. And why I didn’t want to tell you specifically everything that happened that night, even though you were the one that found me, helped me, and avenged me, was that I didn’t want you to see me differently.”
Gwen must have known I wanted to argue, because she squeezed my hand tightly and kept my attention on her.
“I love you, Craig, and I always have. Even back then. I knew that I wanted to be with you romantically, and later, when I was able to process what had happened, I was mortified that it was you that walked into that bedroom and found me.”
She cleared her throat, then looked me dead in the eye and said, “I never would have told you, if you hadn’t walked in that night. I’m sorry, but I wouldn’t have. I didn’t want you to see me as a victim, Craig. As someone who was broken, or changed in some way.”
“Gwen,” her name slipped out unintentionally, and even I could hear the pain in that one word.
Gwen shook her head to stop me from saying more, and continued.
“I was raped,” she said softly, then began to cry. Not big, sobbing tears, but quiet, devastating ones. “I didn’t want to admit that, even to myself, but I can’t hide behind my fear any longer. I didn’t chose to lose my virginity to Brad that night. I didn’t chose to have sex when I was so drunk I could barely understand what was going on. I was naïve for a sixteen-year-old girl, I know that, but I never expected a kiss to lead to sex. I really didn’t.” She choked back a sob, and it killed me not to be able to hold her in my arms, but I knew she needed to let it all out. To purge herself of the grief she’d been holding on to for the last four years.
“I didn’t choose to lose my virginity to Brad, who I barely knew, while that asshole Dave watched and jerked off.”Her words caused an inner war between rage and devastation within me. I felt a white-hot flash, combined with a burning that began in my chest and moved its way up my throat. It was so fierce that I couldn’t contain it within myself, I had to let it out.
I moved my free hand to cover my mouth, but a sound somewhere between a wail and a protest came out.
