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“Get up, Jashae,” my grandma said again.
“Ima get up, ma… just give me a second,” I hoarsely said to her.
“Do you hear yourself, Shae? You done ran yourself sick in here. Jashae, I won’t even pretend that I know what this feels like because honestly, I don’t. I don’t know what it feels like to lose a son so I won’t dare come in here and tell you how to feel. That’s not my place to tell you that, but baby, today is the day of Vonte’s funeral, and I can’t let you go out like this. I’ve been watching you like this for the past two weeks, and I’ve allowed you to push me and everyone away while you suffer in here alone, but that stops today. Get up, Jashae.” This time, she yelled.
I stood up, and when I did, she walked over to me and held me tight. I wrapped my arms around her, and I squeezed her just as tightly. With me in her arms, she sang a song to me that she used to walk around the house and sing all the time when I was a little girl.
“Better days
Better days
Better days are coming,” she sang to me.
I had to have been holding onto her for at least ten minutes. It’s like I needed that hug because I couldn’t seem to let her ago, even if I tried. She held me and rocked our bodies from side to side. When she finished singing, she prayed over me again. My grandmother was always
praying for me, but ever since I lost Vonte, she’s been doing it more than usual. After I finally found the strength to pull away from her, I walked out of the room and into the hallway bathroom, where the shower was running for me just like she said.
I closed the door behind me, and when I saw what was looking back at me back in the mirror, I swear I wanted to cry. I’ve never looked this bad in my life. It was to the point where I looked almost unrecognizable. My skin just looked dirty and dry. The circles under my eyes told it all. I couldn’t lie and tell people that I was sleeping because the circles told my truth. Bloodshot red eyes, which resembled a person who was high off marijuana. I looked under the counter and grabbed the Cantu shampoo and conditioner so I could wash my hair while I showered.
I was inside the shower, wishing for the day to be over already. Today was the day I would bury my son. I wanted to put this day on hold for as long as I could, but as Vonte’s mother, I had to put on my big girl panties and give him the home going service that he deserved. What made today even harder was the fact that Trip wouldn’t be there.
I meant what I said to him a week ago about me needing him. I felt like I’ve never needed him more in my life. It killed me that he wouldn’t be able to attend our son’s funeral today, but there was nothing that I could do to change that. I barely had enough strength in my body for myself so I couldn’t be his strength as well.
After taking a much needed shower and washing my hair, I stepped out of the glass walk in shower. I wrapped one towel around my body and another one around my damp hair. I stood at the sink and brushed my teeth then rinsed it out with some mouthwash. Before I left the bathroom, I made sure to grab the blow dryer that was underneath the sink, and I took the stairs to my room.
I hadn’t been down there in days because I’d been spending the majority of my days inside Vonte’s room, damn near to the point where someone would have to drag me out. When I made it to my room, Mahogany was in there, and she was fully dressed. No matter how many times I’ve cursed her out in these past few weeks, telling her to take her ass home, she wouldn’t. Mahogany hadn’t left this house since I came home from the hospital. I didn’t know if she was staying because she thought that I was going to harm myself or what, but she’d pretty much moved right into the guest bedroom.
“Sit down. I’ll blow dry it for you,” she said.
I didn’t say anything back to her. Instead, I just walked over and took a seat at the ottoman, which was at the foot of my bed. She didn’t say anything either. She just removed the towel from over my head and into the bathroom to grab some combs and clips. For over twenty minutes, she stood behind me and blow dried my hair.
“Can you flat iron it for me and part it down the middle? Vonte liked when I wore my hair like that,” I said, with a sly smile on my face.
Whenever I used to leave in the mornings on the weekends to get my hair done, he would always scream out, “Make sure they do it bone straight, with that middle part. You know that’s my favorite.”
I’d never get the chance to hear him say that to me again. Every time I found myself thinking about all the good times that Vonte and I shared, in that same breath, I get emotional as well because all of those things will just be a thing of the past now.
“The thought of having children never crossed my mind. It’s not even that I don’t like kids. If anything, I just like the idea of having someone’s kids for a few hours and then giving them back. If anything ever made me think that I wanted kids, even if it were just for a second, it would have to have been because of you and Vonte. I adored your relationship. To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything like it. You loved that boy with every bone in your body, and the same thing goes for him.
“Jashae, you did your job as a mother. In fact, you exceeded your job. Vonte left knowing that he was loved, appreciated, worth something, and cherished. I don’t expect you to go back to the old you overnight, but Shae, I’m going to tell you like everybody else has been telling you; you know Vonte wouldn’t want to see you like this. You’re damn near killing yourself. Shae, I’m here. I haven’t been to work in two weeks because I know you need your family and me, you just don’t want to admit it right now. I don’t care if you come get me out of my bed at three in the morning and you just need someone to sit up with you and talk, I will be there for you. Let’s lay your handsome king to rest today and get you feeling better, alright?” Mahogany asked.
It was never a question whether Mahogany was going to be there for me or not because I couldn’t remember a time when I ever needed her, and she wasn’t there.
“Thank you. Sis, I’m going to try. I swear I am,” I assured her.
It took her about half an hour to straighten my hair for me, and once she was finished, my grandmother came in the room holding onto the dress again. She also let it be known at the limo was outside, ready to take us to the church where Vonte’s funeral would be held today. It was the same church that he and I grew up in; my grandmother’s church.
Crazy how this black dress that I was putting on to wear was a dress that I probably wore to work two months ago, and when I wore it then, it was fitted. Today, the dress fit like I’d gotten it two sizes too big. I couldn’t care less about what I looked like, especially when I was getting ready to face some real life stuff. I threw a blazer on top of the dress, applied some lotion to my legs, and I slipped my heels on. I had no choice but to wear oversized frames on my face to block out what I felt was ugliness.
When I made it down the stairs, my grandmother, Mahogany, and my daddy were all waiting. In no time, we all piled up in the limo, and no one said anything. I leaned my head against the window and tears fell that I didn’t even bother to wipe. In no time, we pulled up at the church, and I was the last one to get out, with my dad’s assistance. Once I was out, he pulled me into him for a hug.
There were hundreds of cars parked outside in front of the church. The church parking lot wasn’t even big enough to hold all the cars, so people were leaving their cars in the street, next door in the plaza’s lot, just everywhere. A school bus with my son’s school name on it pulled up, and the entire basketball team walked out. They all wore jerseys with Vonte’s number on it. It was no secret that Vonte was my son, so as I got closer to the church doors, holding onto my daddy’s hand, I received so many looks of sympathy.
Old women who knew me would pull me into them and say a quick prayer over me. People were grabbing my hand and crying for me because they probably could only imagine what this had to have felt like. It was finally our turn to walk into the church. On the outside, I was just fine, but on the inside, I was an emotional wreck. As we walked inside, the choir was singing, and I silently cried as I walked to the front and got ready to view my son lying in his casket. The moment I made it to the front, my dad let go of my hand, so that I could go up there and have my moment with him.
Both of my hands went on the front of the casket, and I bit my bottom lip as I cried for him. He was so handsome in his white suit. He looked to have been in a peaceful sleep. I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me, but I swear he was smiling.
“Heaven couldn’t wait, huh? Giovonte, I love you. I love you, baby. My heart is broken. I’m broken. Save a spot for me. I guess you finally get to meet your grandmother, huh? All we ever saw was pictures of her. I miss you so much… so much, baby boy,” I let him know.
