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I went over to my phone to see if he’d texted me, but he hadn’t. I flopped down to the floor with the phone in my hand, feeling like I’d been played. I wasn’t even sure why the fuck I cared so much. He got what he came for last night, so I don’t know why I expected to wake up next to him.
Jashae Johnson
It’s been a month since the funeral. I was nowhere near better. As much shit as I talked about my boss, Ms. Hendrix, being an asshole, she understood. She wasn’t punishing me for not bringing my ass back to work. How could I go back to work? I could hardly do basic things like clean up my house, so I knew that I couldn’t perform my job the way that I used to before this happened.
A month ago, the problem with me was that I wasn’t sleeping, but a couple of weeks ago, I was introduced to Ambien, which was a pill that helped me to sleep. With that pill, I would sleep just about the majority of the day. I wasn’t doing it to harm myself, more so to block out my reality. At least with me being asleep, I wouldn’t have to think about Vonte and him no longer being here. His 18th birthday is tomorrow, and I planned to take two of the pills in the morning so I could sleep the whole day through.
I wasn’t strong enough to go through tomorrow. Since the funeral, Trip has been calling every day nonstop for me to come and see him, and I finally agreed to come this morning. I didn’t want to be in this prison waiting for Trip. I would much rather be at home in my damn bed. I’d been sitting in the visitation room for almost fifteen minutes, waiting for them to bring Trip in. Usually, when I came to see Trip, I would always dress up nice to give him something to miss, but today, I literally couldn’t care less what the hell I looked like. My long hair was still in the two French braids that I put it in last night before I went to bed. I was dressed in a Nike hoodie with the matching sweats and slides were on my feet.
I sat with my hands folded, pretty much just staring off into space. To the left of me was a mother, probably a few years younger than me, sitting at the table with what was probably her son. He looked to be at least six years old. I’m not sure who they were here waiting to see but seeing them reminded me of Vonte and me years ago. He would be so anxious to see his dad. Every two seconds, he was always asking, “When is he coming, mama?”
Little things like that, I just missed. I hadn’t even realized that seeing the mother and her son had gotten me emotional until I felt a tear hit my bottom lip. All of a sudden, the visiting area got louder. I looked up, and they were bringing out the last group of men, and that’s when I saw Trip. He was growing his hair out and his beard. His eyes matched mine, and I’m pretty sure his soul did as well. Usually, when he would come out, I would stand to hug him, but I didn’t bother to move. Hell, he didn’t even bother to stand me up and ask me for a hug.
When he did sit in front of me, though, he leaned his head in and aggressively kissed me on my lips. I didn’t even bother kissing him back.
“I’m surprised you remembered how to make your way over to this motha fucka. Fuck is wrong with you, Jashae? That’s how we doing it now? You going a whole fuckin’ month without seeing me. Your selfish ass ain’t the only one who lost a son. I lost one too, shorty! Did your ass forget that I didn’t get to attend the funeral? You got everybody back at home to be there for you. You’re the only one I got, yo, and that ain’t much of nothing because I can’t get your ass to pick up the phone!” he snapped, hitting the table, and making me jump.
I used my hands to wipe away my tears.
“Giovonni, why would you do this? Why would you do thisss? You had me come down here so you could yell at me? I got enough shit going on at home, and I don’t need you fussing about being there for you when I can barely be there for my fuckin’ self!” I cried.
“You selfish, yo! Selfish ass motha fucka, I swear. I may do some fucked up shit around the way, but when have I ever not been there for you when you needed me, Shae? When?” he asked.
“Now! Right now, Giovonni! I need you now, and you’re not there! You’re here. What the fuck do you want me to do?” I yelled back.
At this point, everyone in the visiting room was looking at us, but I didn’t fuckin’ care. I didn’t care too much about anything these days.
“Physically, I ain’t there, but I pick up the motha fuckin’ phone every time you call, yo,” he barked.
“I don’t want to do this anymore with you, Trip. I don’t want to wait anymore for you,” I cried.
If looks could kill, I would be dead.
“Why? So, you could go fuck on Miami? You think I don’t know about that nigga hugging up on you after my son’s funeral? Selfish ass bitch, you couldn’t wait for Vonte to die so you could start sucking that nigga’s dick!” he barked.
Hearing him say that broke me to pieces, causing me to cry harder than I already was.
“Why would you say that? Why would you say something to me like that? Trip, I hate you! I swear to God I hate your ass” I yelled at him.
Tears were running down my face, snot was coming out of my nose, all of that. I was doing a straight-up ugly cry. I tried to stand up, but he reached over the table and grabbed me by the front of my hoodie then dragged my little ass across the table. He slammed me on my back, making me hit my head on the floor in the process. The guards ca
me over and tackled Trip. I was hurt, and I was watching them hurt Trip, so it made me an emotional wreck.
“Try me if you want to, Shae. You know the type of street nigga you dealing with. You lucky these niggas got me, or else I would have broken your fuckin’ neck!” He shouted all types of insults and threats to me until he was out of the visitation room. About five other guards surrounded me, checking to see if I was okay and if I needed any medical attention. The only medical attention that I was going to need was for them to mend my broken heart, and I didn’t think that they had anything for that, so they couldn’t cure me.
9:00 P.M
My bedroom door was closed, but the door wasn’t locked. My bathroom door was locked, though. I’d just taken one of my sleeping pills, and right now, I was soaking in the tub, resting my bones after the long day that I had. The back of my head was killing me from Trip’s stupid ass slamming me. It would be months before I heard from him again because there was no doubt in my mind that they were going to throw him in the hole for what he did to me in visitation, and even if he does call, I’m not answering.
On my son’s life, I swear to God that I’m done with Trip. I didn’t deserve what he’d did to me earlier today, and he knew it. We were both hurting, but that didn’t give him the right to put his hands on me. My grandmother, my dad, and Mahogany all wanted to know how the visitation went today, but I wouldn’t dare tell either of them what happened because the shit was too embarrassing. I couldn’t help but feel like I was letting Vonte down. He hated when his dad and I argued, but for us to be fighting, that was a totally different thing.
My head was propped up on the back of the tub, and I was fighting my sleep something serious. It didn’t make matters better that the lights were dimmed inside the bathroom, which wasn’t doing anything but making me even sleepier. Every time my head hit the back of the tub, I would jump, waking myself back up. It had gotten to the point that I couldn’t even fight to stay up anymore because eventually, my eyes had drifted off, and I fell into a deep sleep.
Mahogany Williams
Jashae was too quiet. I was in the guest bedroom, and I didn’t hear anything coming from her bedroom. I had just walked back into the house maybe five minutes ago after sitting on the porch, smoking a blunt. I was in my feelings a little bit because I found myself texting Jabari’s dumb ass over two hours ago, and I hadn’t heard back from him yet. In fact, he and I hadn’t spoken to or seen each other since the night that he left my house.
I wouldn’t say I missed him because that was too strong of a word, but I’ll admit that I wanted to see him. I did all this big talk about not loving these niggas and not getting attached, yet I felt like I was hunting this man down. I was a bit content with the fact that I wouldn’t be hearing back from him tonight, so after I finished smoking, I headed back inside the house.
