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“I dreaded this day, I really did. But I knew that before I left this earth, I had to get some clarity with the two of you. I wanted you both to know that it was never anything that the two of you did as kids that drove me away, hell nothing even that your mama did. I was facing inner demons, and pretty much living a total lie. Jaquan, when your mother was pregnant with you, I just knew that shit had gotten real, but I just couldn’t step up to the plate because I knew it wasn’t me. And then boom, four years later, your mom got pregnant with you, Monae, and I just don’t know, I couldn’t do it anymore.
“Man, you talking in fuckin’ riddles. Just say what the fuck you came here to say. We’re prepared for whatever you got because we done been through hell and back before!” I said, banging my fist on the table, which caused everybody in the restaurant to look in our direction. Monae rubbed my back to calm me down, and it did help a little.
“I couldn’t be in you all’s life because I was gay! Okay, I said it! It was all a fuckin’ lie, and my parents were starting to have their suspicions, so to keep them happy, I went and got your mother pregnant. Not once, but twice! It’s like I was trying to prove some fuckin’ point to them for their acceptance of me, when I actually ended up losing the two most important people in my life. I came around twice, which is when you turned nine and twelve. After the second time, I just couldn’t do the shit anymore!” he said.
“Monae, I think I may have seen you once in your life, but I swear I thought about the two of you every day. I just couldn’t come out and tell your mother the truth because I knew for a fact that she wouldn’t accept me for who I was, and she would have felt like I had played her. I just want the two of you to know that I love you deeply, I really do and I was so busy thinking about what everybody else thought about me, that I forgot about the two people whose opinion mattered the most and who’s hearts were broken in the end,” he said.
I watched as tears fell from his eyes. I was about to respond but then our waitress came. I watched as he quickly wiped his eyes, and after we all ordered, he looked at us with pain in his eyes. I’m hardcore, 24/7, but looking in the eyes of this man before me, I felt for his ass, I really did.
“So, do you two have anything you want to say?” he asked us.
“Do you really think Monae and I would have given a fuck about that shit while we were growing up! We were fuckin’ babies, man. Your presence was good enough for us. We weren’t asking you to marry our mama, but we would have appreciated it if you were there. I wouldn’t have given a fuck if your ass was white, blind, deaf, none of that shit because your presence speaks volumes! All along, you were worried about the wrong damn reasons for you not stepping up to the plate and taking your responsibilities as a got damn man! You think my mama would have kept us away from you if you told her you were gay? Hell no, she just would have had to deal with that shit. What pisses me off is that it seems like my mama was a damn ploy for your parents to believe that you weren’t this gay ass man that they thought you were! You know what’s funny to me? I wouldn’t have given a fuck about that shit back then, and I don’t give a fuck about it now! That ain’t even like me to judge somebody off their sexual preference. You like what you like and so do I,” I said, not really having anything else to say at that point.
“I appreciate that, man,” he told me.
Then, all of a sudden, it was like I remembered some shit.
“Wait, what about your wife and your other kids that you moved to Atlanta with?” I asked him.
“You mean my ex-wife. Because we weren’t having sex often, my ex-wife thought that I was cheating on her, when actually, I was just a gay man who wasn’t attracted to her in that type of way. As far as my other two daughters, they know about all of this. The same way I’m telling you all everything, I’ve let them know about my disease as well,” he said.
For a few minutes, we all just sat there in silence, just taking everything in.
“What about you, Monae?” he asked my sister because she had pretty much been quiet the entire time.
“I mean, like my brother said, we were kids. We would have accepted you either way. As a child, all you really want from a parent is love. All that other stuff shouldn’t matter and it doesn’t matter. I just hate that you let your fear of what our mom would say about it dictate your position in our lives. We wouldn’t have judged you then and we aren’t judging you now. I would just like to know, where are we going to go from here?” Monae asked.
“With what little time that I have left…” he said.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked him.
“It kills me to tell the both of you this, but I have been diagnosed with HIV. When I saw you at the press conference that day, that’s what I was coming down there to tell you. I had just found out a week before, and I knew that I couldn’t go another day without getting things straight with all of my children.
“Not trying to sound like an asshole, but damn, is my mama straight, man?” I asked.
He chuckled. “Yes, she’s fine. I wasn’t even messing around with men back then, but I knew without a doubt that I was indeed a homosexual man. After my divorce is when I fully came out,” he said.
“Okay, but what do you mean by what little time you have left? I’m not understanding that,” I said.
I wasn’t judging this man for who he was at all. Shit, we all had a fucked up past, and nobody in this world was perfect. I done did some things in life that I’m not proud of, so I’m in no position to point the finger at him.
“Meaning that I don’t have long left on this earth, son. I was one of those people who wasn’t diagnosed early. Let me break it down to the two of you because I can see that you aren’t following me. I am diagnosed with HIV and AIDS concurrently, which means that I have had HIV for a long time, and the virus had already done damage to my body by the time I found out that I was infected. While I was in Atlanta, I was dumb and wasn’t protecting myself, and now I have to live with the consequences.
“Wow,” was all that I could say. It sucks to be in the position he was in, and I just felt so bad for the man.
“I’m not asking for the two of you to show me any pity. All I want is one last chance with the two of you to make it right once and for all,” he finished as the waitress came back with our food.
“Can you add on the salmon, with the seasoned rice and corn for the two sides. And a kid’s meal chicken tenders and fries? It’s going
to be to go,” I told the waitress once she set down our plates.
“No problem,” she said and walked away.
“For the wife and your baby?” he asked me.
“Yeah, my pregnant wife. She’ll kill my ass if I come back without her food,” I told him and then laughed because I could picture how that situation would turn out if I walked my ass back in that house and didn’t bring Charlie her food.
“And one on the way, right?” he asked me as I began to cut through my steak.
