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“No one needs nightmares,” I said. “They don’t help you get through anything.”
Aspyn swallowed and stared at me. “Can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“What are they about? Your nightmares?” She jerked her head to the side. “I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s none of my business.”
I reached up to gently turn her head back my way. “We’re together, so it’s damn well your business, and I need to start learning to get help from those I care about if I’m trying to convince them they’ve got a future with me.”
Her eyes softened. “You’re sure?”
A single bark of laughter left my mouth. “No, but I’m still going to stop running.” I sighed and rose. I started pacing. “What do you know about my accident?”
“I don’t know much. Carl mentioned some sort of explosion and that you were in the hospital.”
I stopped pacing to eye her for a moment. “And you never looked it up? You weren’t curious?”
Aspyn grimaced. “Why would I? I knew you were hurt, and it was a bad accident. I don’t like the details of that kind that kind of stuff. It can …” She winced.
“It can give you nightmares, yeah.” I nodded slowly.
Aspyn sighed and nodded.
“And you’re sure you want to hear this, then?”
She set her face with grim determination and gave me a quick jerk of a nod. “I think I can’t help you unless I know everything.”
“It was just a standard day, you know. I was back right after the reunion. Working construction.” I shrugged. “There was a gas leak. We didn’t smell it until it was too late. There was this welder there. He ignited the gas. Poor bastard.” I looked up at her ceiling. “I thought when I was in the Army that I might have to deal with seeing people killed or blown up but never had to, but that day, I knew what it would be like, to be hurt, helpless, to think you’re gonna die because of something that’s not your fault at all.”
Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything.
“I got hurt bad, but you know that already. I was laid up. During the accident, though, I was crawling, trying to carry this guy with me, thinking the roof was gonna collapse on me any second or the smoke was gonna get me, until some other guys came and pulled us both out. And I couldn’t help thinking of that poor welder. That son of a bitch must have been killed instantly.” My stomach lurched, and bile climbed my throat. “Of course, that’s what I want to tell myself. I don’t want to think about how he might have suffered or how maybe I could have helped pull him out too.” I locked eyes with her. Tears welled up in the corners of hers. “That’s what I dream about, all the time. It’s not the actual accident itself, just fire, roofs collapsing, and the welder. Sometimes he’s telling me to save him, and sometimes he’s telling me I’m gonna die.”
“You don’t deserve to, you know,” Aspyn blurted out.
“What?” I blinked.
“I know you have PTSD.” She licked her lips, her gaze shifting away. “But it also sounds like something else too. I’ve heard of it, you know. What do they call it, survivor’s guilt?”
“Yeah, some of the shrinks I talked to after the accident talked about that, but I don’t have that.”
“It sounds like you do to me.”
I thought that over. “I don’t want to die.”
“But do you want to live?” A pleading look burned in her eye.
“Maybe you’re right,” I said softly. “I don’t know about before, but I definitely have something to live for now.” I glanced at her and then over in the direction of Kadie’s room.
“You also don’t have to deal with it alone anymore.”
“I … talked to people. Shrinks.”
“They weren’t your friends. They didn’t care about you like your friends or like I do.” She reached up and placed a soft hand on my cheek. “Just always remember. You’re not alone now.”
Aspyn leaned in and gave me a soft kiss.
I kissed her back, sweetly and gently.
