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Love. I thought I knew what it was before, but in that moment, I finally understood.
* * *
We watched a movie and then headed to bed. As I’d guessed, it was hard for us to both fit, but she wrapped herself around me, rubbing my back as I tried to drift off. Even the presence of the beautiful and kind woman right in bed with me didn’t stop my heart from thumping in worry.
I thought over what she said. The shrinks had prattled on to me about survivor’s guilt, but I never put much stock in it. I always figured I tried to save someone and didn’t think the accident was my fault, so how could I feel that sort of thing?
I knew at the time I’d had no chance of going after the welder. Even if I had dragged him out without dying, he was probably already dead. But when my woman talked about the guilt, it made a lot more sense. It’d also explained why my dreams were filled with people telling me I was going to die.
It wasn’t about effort, I realized. I’d been haunted, I thought, on some level by the idea that my life had been spared when a better life might not have.
I’d let my life slip away long before that accident, probably after my dad had passed away. Now, slowly,
so many years later, Aspyn was helping me get it back. I just didn’t know if that’d be enough to stop the nightmares.
It wasn’t fair to put that on her, though, even if she wanted to help. My fucked-up head was my fault and the accident’s fault. She could ask to help, but she might not be able to, no matter how much she wanted to.
I understood that. I only hoped she did as well.
Soon, though, my eyes grew heavy with her next to me, her soft hand rubbing my back.
* * *
Sun streamed in through the window landing on my face. I yawned and sat up. Aspyn was still asleep.
Rested. Damn well-rested. That’s what I felt.
Now I couldn’t tell anyone for the life of me what I had dreamed about, but I did know what I hadn’t dreamed about.
I smiled down at Aspyn. A nightmare-free night just from sleeping in the same bed with the woman I loved?
That seemed a cheap price to pay.
Chapter 29
Aspyn
No nightmares for me. In fact, I woke up with more than a little warmth pooling in my center. Apparently, having a handsome, half-naked man pressed up against me all night played some tricks with my body, and some of those signals ended in my dreams.
So, maybe not nightmares, but it was frustrating that I was only getting to dream about fun times and not actually having them.
With a yawn, I stretched and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
When I finally did fully wake up, a delicious combination of smells reached my nose: coffee and bacon. The twin fuels of Livingston. My stomach rumbled.
“Hold on a second,” I said to my traitorous body.
Since Alex wasn’t in bed, I assumed he was responsible for the coffee and bacon. Nothing sexier than a man who knew his way around a kitchen. I grabbed a robe and slipped it on before heading that way.
I stopped in my doorway, thinking about what was going on. I’d dated other men, but I’d never actually had a man in my own home cook me breakfast. Warmth heated my face at the thought. Some things were even better than sex.
After a few more seconds, I managed to force my legs into moving again and continued toward the kitchen. I prayed to the Lord that the food tasted as good as it smelled.
Guilt suddenly gnawed at me over the idea that I’d had such a good night’s sleep. The whole reason my man was there was to get a good night’s sleep, and I hated the idea that I’d been dreaming about sex while he might have been dreaming about death and destruction. My stomach clenched.
I also worried I was being arrogant thinking I could help his nightmares, but if a little love couldn’t help push away nightmares, what good was it?
The best thing a woman could do for her man was support him so that was what I was trying to do. I didn’t have any better ideas other than I’d told him before at his house.
