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“It won’t go away,” Chris agreed. “It will get easier to manage, though. These things take time, Sarah. I miss him, too. Every day. Every day I wonder why it was him and not me who died. I survived, but I shouldn’t have. I should have been the one who died: not him. I don’t have a family, or a sweet little sister, or parents to look after me. I’m just a former foster kid who decided to make something of himself. Garrett, though…man, he had it all, Sarah. He had it all, and I’m sorry he’s the one who died.”
Sarah let Chris hold her for a few more minutes, then she pulled away and silently began washing the dishes again.
She hoped Chris was wrong about the pain, but something told her that he wasn’t. She was going to be mourning her brother for the rest of her life.
3
After the dishes were finished, Rita and Jim decided to build a bonfire. The group sat in the backyard, roasting marshmallows and telling stories until it was late. When the older couple decided to go to bed, Sarah and Chris told them goodnight and headed out front to their cars.
Chris walked Sarah to hers.
“So,” he said, leaning against the vehicle, making himself comfortable. “Tonight was fun.”
“Yeah,” she agreed, looking up at the stars. It was hard to meet his eyes. It was too intimate. “It was nice. I had a good time.”
“Look,” Chris said, and his voice sounded nervous. She quickly dropped her gaze to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. It’s been hard.”
“It’s okay. I know you couldn’t come to the funeral because you were overseas.”
“Believe me, I tried. Couldn’t get permission to leave. I fought for it, but not hard enough, I guess.”
“Do you, um, maybe want to go see his grave?” She asked quickly, squishing her face in nervous anticipation. “I know it’s kind of difficult. Maybe it’s a bad idea, but if you want, I can show it to you.”
“I’d like that.”
She was a little surprised, but tried not to let it show. Of course Chris would want to see her brother’s grave. They were best friends: basically brothers.
“Are you free next weekend?”
“Saturday morning sound good?”
“Okay,” she nodded. “I’ll message you.”
“Good.” He hugged her, pulling her close once again. Chris smelled great and his body felt hard beneath his shirt. He was a rock compared to her mushy figure. She hoped he didn’t notice the weight she’d gained since the last time he’d seen a picture. He probably did, but she dressed in loose clothing on purpose. She didn’t need people commenting on her weight or speculating about why she might be so chubby all of a sudden.
Maybe everyone assumed she had been emotionally eating since her brother passed. Hopefully that’s exactly what they all thought.
“Bye, Chris.”
“Goodnight, cutie.”
He left, and she got in her car to head home. It was only a 15-minute drive, but it seemed to last forever. She’d have to tell him, she realized. She’d have to tell all of them. It was only a matter of time before someone figured out that Sarah had been getting fatter. Her clothes were too small and she was tired all the time.
There had just never been a good time to bring up pregnancy. When she finally decided to tell everyone, they got word that Garrett was dead.
What was she supposed to do then?
Tell them at the funeral?
Everything had happened so fast. There had never been a perfect moment to open up and share
with her parents. Sarah didn’t think they’d be really upset. They wouldn’t go crazy or urge her to have an abortion or anything like that, but they would probably be disappointed in her. Garrett had always been the favorite child and while her parents were usually pretty kind to her, she worried they would compare her.
Garrett had never gotten anyone pregnant.
Garrett had never made a huge, dumb, major mistake.
Even in death, Garrett was a hero. Sarah loved her brother dearly, admired him, and looked up to him, but she also lived in his shadow.
