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'Yeah. No answer. And no answering machine.'
'How about Cantell?'
'I talked to her earlier. She said she'd kill herself before she'd go to jail. She said you were going to have to come over there and shoot her and then drag her dead body out of the house.'
It says here she held up a Frito-Lay truck?'
'Apparently she was on that no-carbohydrate diet, got her period and snapped when she saw the truck parked in front of a convenience store. Just got whacked out at the thought of all those chips. She threatened the driver with a nail file, filled her car with bags of Fritos, and took off, leaving the driver standing there in front of his empty truck. The police asked him why he didn't stop her, and he said she was a woman on the edge. He said his wife got to looking like that sometimes, and he didn't go near her when she was like that, either.'
'I've been on that diet and this crime makes perfect sense to me,' Lula said. 'Especially if she had her period. You don't want to go through your period without Fritos. Where you gonna get your salt from? And what about cramps? What are you supposed to take for cramps?'
'Midol?' Connie said.
'Well, yeah, but you gotta have some Fritos while you're waiting for the Midol to kick in. Fritos have a calming influence on a woman.'
Vinnie stuck his head out the door of his inner office and glared at me. 'What are you sitting around for? We got three FTAs in this morning and you already had one in your possession. Four FTAs!
Christ, I'm not running a charity here.'
Vinnie is my cousin on my fathers side of the family and sole owner of Vincent Plum Bail Bonds. He's an oily little guy with slicked-back black hair, pointy-toed shoes, and a bunch of gold chains hanging around his scrawny tanning salon-tanned neck. It's rumored that he once had a romantic relationship with a duck. He drives a Cadillac Seville. And he's married to Harry the Hammer's only daughter. Vinnie's rating as a human being would be in the vicinity of pond slime. His rating as a bonds agent would be considerably higher. Vinnie understood human weakness.
'I haven't got a car,' I told Vinnie. 'My car got firebombed.'
'What's your point? Your cars are always getting firebombed.
Have Lula drive you. She doesn't do anything around here anyway,'
Tour ass,' Lula said.
Vinnie pulled his head back into his office, and he slammed and locked the door.
Connie rolled her eyes. And Lula flipped Vinnie the finger.
'I saw that,' Vinnie yelled from behind his closed door.
'I hate when he's right,' Lula said, 'but there's no reason we can't use my car. I just don't want to pick up the drunken leaker. If he takes paint off a house, I'm not letting him near my upholstery.'
'Try Cantell,' Connie said. 'She should still be at home.'
Fifteen minutes later we were in front of Cantell's house in
Hamilton Township. It was a trim little ranch on a small lot, in a neighborhood of similar houses. The grass was neatly cut, but it was patchy with crabgrass and parched from a hot, dry August.
Young azaleas bordered the front of the house. A blue Honda Civic was parked in the driveway.
'Don't look like the home of a hijacker,' Lula said. 'No garage.'
'Sounds like this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.'
We approached the front door and knocked. And Cantell answered.
'Oh God,' Cantell said. 'Don't tell me you're from the bond agency. I told the woman on the phone I didn't want to go to jail.'
This is just a rebooking process,' I told her. 'We bring you in and then Vinnie bonds you out again.'
'No way. I'm not going back to that jail. It's too embarrassing. I'd rather you shoot me and kill me.'
'We wouldn't shoot you,' Lula said. 'Unless, of course, you drew a gun. What we'd
