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do is gas you. We got pepper spray. Or we could zap you with the stun gun. My choice would be the stun gun on account of we're using my car and there's a lot of snot produced if we give you a face full of pepper spray. I just had my car detailed.
I don't want the back seat full of snot.'
Cantell's mouth dropped open and her eyes glazed over. 'I just took a couple bags of chips,' she said. 'It's not like I'm a criminal.'
Lula looked around. 'You wouldn't have any of them chips left over, would you?'
'I gave them all back. Except for the ones I ate.'
Cantell had short brown hair and a pleasant round face. She was dressed in jeans and an extra-roomy T-shirt. Her age was listed as thirty-two.
'You should have kept your court date,' I said to Cantell. 'You might have only gotten community service.'
'I didn't have anything to wear,' she wailed. 'Look at me. I'm a house! Nothing fits. I ate a truck full of Fritos!'
'You're not as big as me,' Lula said. 'And I got a lot of stuff to wear. You just gotta know how to shop. We should go out shopping together some day. My secret is I only buy spandex and I buy it too small. That way it sucks everything in. Not that I'm fat or anything.
It's just I got a lot of muscle.'
Lula was currently in athletic gear mode, wearing hot pink stretch pants, matching halter top, and serious running shoes. The strain on the spandex was frightening. I was heading for cover at the first sign of a seam unraveling.
'Here's the plan,' I said to Cantell.`I'm going to call Vinnie and have him meet us at the courthouse. That way you can get bonded out immediately, and you won't have to sit around in a holding cell.'
'I guess that would be okay,' Cantell said. 'But you have to get me back here before my lads get off the school bus.'
'Sure,' I said, 'but just in case, maybe you want to make alternative arrangements.'
'And maybe I can lose some weight before I have to go to court,'
Cantell said.
'Be a good idea not to hold up any more snack food trucks,' Lula said.
'I had my period! I needed those chips.'
'Hey, I hear you,' Lula said.
After we got Cantell rebooked and rebonded and returned to her house, Lula drove me across town, back to the Burg.
'That wasn't so bad,' Lula said. 'She seemed like a real nice person. Do you think she's going to show up for court this time?'
'No. We're going to have to go over to her house and drag her to court, kicking and screaming.'
'Yeah, that's what I think, too.'
Lula pulled to the curb and idled in front of my parents' house.
Lula drove a red Firebird that had a sound system capable of broadcasting rap over a five-mile radius. Lula had the sound on low but the bass at capacity, and I could feel my fillings vibrating.
'Thanks for the ride,' I told Lula. 'See you tomorrow.'
To,' Lula said. And she took off.
My Grandma Mazur was at the front door, waiting for me.
Grandma Mazur rooms with my parents now that Grandpa Mazur is living la vidu loca everlasting. Grandma Mazur has a body like a soup chicken and a mind that defies description. She keeps her steel gray hair cut short and tightly permed. She prefers pastel polyester pantsuits and white tennis shoes. And she watches wrestling. Grandma doesn't care if wrestling's fake or real.
Grandma likes to look at big men in little spandex panties.
