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“We don’t even have any snake-catching equipment with us. We don’t have one of those loop things you see on the nature channel. We don’t have no rats or chickens or roadkill to feed it. We don’t got a snake cage. I don’t even know what a snake cage looks like. The snakes at the zoo are behind glass.”
“I’ll stun-gun her.”
“Say what?”
“I’ll zap Ethel with my stun gun, load her into the back of the SUV, and take her home to Diggery’s double-wide.”
“Are you nuts?”
“It could work.”
“What about salmonella?” Lula said. “You could get salmonella from touching a snake.”
“I have hand sanitizer in my messenger bag.”
SEVEN
LULA WAS ON the alert when I turned onto Pilkman.
“There’s three women standing on the sidewalk on the next block,” she said. “I’m guessing they’re snake watching.”
I parked near the women, and Lula and I got out. A huge snake was curled up on a patch of grass that served as front yard to a modest bungalow.
“What do you think?” I asked Lula. “Is that Ethel?”
“Hard to tell,” Lula said. “Last I saw her she was draped in a tree.”
“It’s a boa,” one of the women said. “We looked it up.”
“Have you ever seen this snake around here before?” I asked her. “Does anyone in this neighborhood own a snake?”
Everyone shook their head. No one had seen the snake before today.
“Hey! Ethel!” Lula shouted at the snake.
We all took a step closer and looked to see if there was any response.
“It opened an eye,” Lula said. “That’s Ethel all right.”
“Is Ethel your snake?” the woman asked.
“She belongs to someone we know,” Lula said. “And Stephanie here is responsible for bringing her home.”
“It’s an awfully big snake,” one of the other women said.
“Yeah, but Stephanie’s got a plan,” Lula said. “She’s gonna load Ethel into the back of her car. I know that Mercedes looks like a luxury vehicle, but it’s got some muscle, and if we keep Ethel all curled up, we’re pretty sure she’ll fit.”
My heart was beating with a sickening thud. I was terrified of Ethel. And I was repulsed at the thought of touching her.
Okay, I told myself. Attitude adjustment needed. She’s a pet. She’s had a big adventure, and she’ll be happy to go home. And she doesn’t look hungry, so that’s a good thing. Most likely she’s just eaten a beagle, and she’s feeling sleepy. No reason to be afraid. And probably she feels good to the touch. You wouldn’t have a problem if she was a pair of cowboy boots, right?
I inched closer, telling myself to stay calm. I circled around to Ethel’s tail and took a deep breath. I reached down to touch her, and she tensed, raised her head, and looked at me. I stumbled back and paused for a moment, relieved that I hadn’t soiled myself.
“Maybe you shouldn’t get so close,” one of the women said. “Maybe you should wait for animal control.”
“No worries,” Lula said. “Stephanie knows what she’s doing. Besides, Ethel’s just saying hello.”
Ethel was uncurling and moving toward me, eyes wide open, forked tongue out. I didn’t see any lumps in her body that would indicate the presence of an undigested beagle, and I was thinking I might be wrong about her not being hungry. I had pepper spray in one hand and my stun gun in my other hand, and I had no idea if either would have any effect on a boa.
