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"Where do you want to sit?"
I looked around. "Can we just lay on that lounge? I'm a little tired and I think it would be fun to watch the fireworks like that. Kind of like underneath the stars. My dad texted me earlier and said I should be able to catch a good show from here." The lounge was the size of a full bed and had plenty of room for both of us.
"You spoke with your father?" Kova asked.
Once we laid back, I folded my hands over my stomach and looked up to the night sky, listening to the sounds of fireworks in the distance.
"I did…kind of. He texted to see how I was before I boarded the plane in Texas and asked me if I had plans tonight—oh, look!" I pointed excitedly, cutting off my train of thought. "There's one! And another!" Kova watched with me as the show began. "I told him I was just going to go home and crash. That's when he said the downtown area puts on a good show and if I wanted to catch it from home I should be able to see it. I didn't think I would because of the marina being so close, but I guess I was wrong. Dad said permits are granted to shoot fireworks off from barges on the water. Sounds dangerous, if you ask me."
I glanced around at the adjoining condos and the balconies filled with people drinking and laughing. Different genres of music wove together and it sounded like a nightclub. I thought about how I was here with Kova and what my dad would think. Scratch that. I knew what he would think. He'd murder Kova and then enroll me in an all-girl Catholic boarding school.
My forehead creased together and I lost myself to my thoughts and all the lies that had been told over the year. Joy claimed she knew about me and Kova, but she had no proof, because if she had any, she'd have told Dad by now. I had a feeling if she did tell my dad anything he wouldn't believe her after the way she treated me over Easter.
That being said, I shivered at the thought of the truth being revealed to anyone.
"Are you cold?" Kova asked.
"No, I was just thinking about what would happen if my dad found out about us. Even if I was legal, I don't think he would ever take the news lightly." I paused, and looked at him. "Do you ever feel guilty? My dad is your friend. Katja is your wife. We're hurting and lying to both of them."
Kova glanced away and stared into the night sky, watching the fireworks. He was bothered, but I think because of the guilt and lies he’d dished out.
"One thing my mother told me before she took her last breath was to never feel guilty for the things that make me happy. She said, 'Kova, I want you to live like it is your last day, because you will never get tomorrow back and the future is all you have.' I was holding her hand when she said that. She was frail and her skin was gray. The world is cruel, life is so short, and if two people out of seven billion in the world can find solace, no matter if it is right or wrong, then there is no reason to ever feel guilty. My mother always put my happiness before hers. She lived a lonely life so I could live a full one. She never married, never fell in love, never went out with girlfriends, never went on holiday, then she got sick. She did not want that for me. I made a promise to her that I would live for the both of us, and I am." Kova turned toward me. "So, no, Adrianna, I do not feel guilty for my actions, I know what I am doing. I made my choices. While they may not make sense to other people, I cannot worry about that. No one is truly selfless, and I cannot be responsible for everyone's happiness when no one cares about mine. I have tried that with Katja and look where it has gotten me. I am trapped in a loveless marriage I cannot fight my way out of. Do I love her? Sure. But I am not in love with her. I love her like a friend and it will never be any more than that." He paused to take a breath. "Do you feel guilty?"
I stared at him, unblinking, trying to contemplate an answer. I was momentarily rendered speechless. Kova was stuck in a loveless marriage and from what it sounded like, he was very much alone. I studied his gaze. His e
yes never wavered from mine. There was no flicker of hidden emotion, no hesitation. He didn't lie. In fact, he was open and exposed. I could taste the honesty in his words and see that he was telling me the truth.
I licked my lips and his gaze followed the motion. "I only feel guilty because my dad is friends with you. He put his trust in me to be responsible while I'm here alone, and in you to watch over me and protect me. I can't imagine hearing his friend was having sex with his daughter behind his back would ever be seen as anything but deceitful." I hesitated, then said, "It would be really bad if he ever found out. The thought terrifies me. As for Katja, I honestly don't feel any sort of way. Every person, regardless if they're married or not, is fair game. A relationship can't be threatened if there isn't a bond to be broken. It's that simple. The connection has to be strong enough that nothing could sever it. Would I hate to be in Katja shoes? Yes, but I will never allow myself or my relationship to be in jeopardy, because I would make sure my partner knew my shoes were one of a kind and no one could compare." My voice dropped. "I should feel bad, but the truth is, I don't. Does that make me a bad person?" I sure thought it did.
One side of Kova's mouth pulled to the side. "I think you are asking the wrong person that question."
We chuckled and I rested my head back, thinking about how much had changed in the course of a year.
"I wish you were always like this."
"Like what?" he asked.
"No-holds-barred and completely yourself."
"Believe me, Adrianna, I do try." He was pensive and I believed he wasn't lying.
"So if today is your birthday, and last year you hosted a barbeque on the same day, why didn't you have a cake? Why didn't Katja make one for you? We could have all sang to you."
"The truth? She forgot it was my birthday."
My heart plummeted like a stone. She was grinding my gears and I was starting to really not like her.
"Is that what you guys were fighting about in your kitchen?" Kova turned toward me with confusion in his eyes. He brought one arm to fold behind his head, his bicep flexing in the moonlight. He stared straight ahead like he was thinking back to last year. "I remember you guys whispering in Russian, it looked like you guys were arguing, and you threw something into the sink."
"I do not recall what the exact argument was about, but it would not have been about my birthday. That I can assure you. I was never big on celebrating it to begin with. I do not like to do anything extravagant."
"Singing 'Happy Birthday' is not extravagant. I can't believe she forgot last year, and now this year she isn't here. You'd think she'd stay in town because of that. I'm so sorry."
"It is no big deal."
He brushed it off, but I still felt bad. My mind flipped through what was in my cabinets and if I had anything I could give him. I never kept cookies or candy in my house for obvious reasons, but then I remembered I'd purchased a four-pack of big, double chocolate organic brownies and stuffed them in the back of my freezer for a rainy day. I hadn't even had one yet.
I had an idea. Sitting up, I said, "I'll be right back," then I limped inside my condo and went straight for the kitchen. I took out one of the frozen brownies and placed it on a plate, then popped it into the microwave. While it heated up, I grabbed a tea light candle since I didn't have actual birthday candles, and hobbled to get the lighter from my bathroom. The microwave beeped just as I got back. Gently, I pushed the tea light into the center of the brownie and lit it. Cupping my hand around the flame, I walked slowly back to the patio so the flame wouldn't burn out.
