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“No, not that I know of.”
Her head bobbed slowly up and down as she processed what I said, still taking in my face. “Get some rest tonight. These next few weeks are going to get chaotic.”
“Goodnight,” I said quietly.
Stepping out of Kova’s office, I mechanically made my way to my truck and drove home. My condo was cold and lonely. Typically, I preferred the solitude, but lately it was eating away at me. When I was alone, I reflected. I overthought everything and then I regretted. I wanted to call Avery and tell her the good news, but I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet. It was selfish of me, I knew that, but I needed to preserve what little of myself I had left. I could call Hayden. He’d come running, but I wasn’t up for his company.
Everything I did was wrong except when it came to gymnastics.
Lighting a few scented candles, I ate dinner, as much as my stomach could handle, then took a shower and cried in a ball on the tile, counting the strands of hair and wondering how there could be so many on the floor.
* * *
The week passed through hazy eyes. I didn’t know where it began or where it ended, and now we were landing in a new city.
I hadn’t spoken to anyone save for my dad for a few short minutes so he could tell me he wouldn’t be at this meet, but he’d make it to the next one. That was two meets he’d miss in a row. All I’d done was practice from sun up until well after sun down. Not a minute was wasted. Push came to shove and I’d been ready. Heart and soul, body and mind. I blocked everything out, kept to myself, and trained like a beast. I was on autopilot.
“It’s going to be a hectic week,” Madeline said. Talk about an understatement.
I pushed myself so hard I was certain I made myself sick. I felt more worn down than ever before, so unhappy and so weary. I’d secretly taken more Motrin to try and alleviate some of the pain and I’d had more ice baths this past week than I’d had my whole time at World Cup. I knew I shouldn't have taken the medication, but I had to. I couldn't handle how awful my body felt. Deep tissue massages, sports tape, blading… Kova even had me roll on some stupid foam log he insisted would release lactic acid and help me recover quicker. I never complained, though. Not once. It was grueling and exhausting and overwhelming, but I wanted it and I loved every taxing minute, even though I was falling deeper and deeper into my depression.
Before we boarded the plane, I took some Benadryl and slept until we landed. My bones ached horribly, my whole body inflamed, and I felt as stiff as a ninety-year-old when I walked off the plane. Shortly after we arrived at the hotel, I unpacked then passed out. I'd been woken up for dinner but begged to sleep, and stayed asleep, until the next morning. I was so physically drained that I woke up in the same position I'd fallen asleep in.
In truth, I felt weak and it scared me.
"Are you okay?" Madeline asked, concern filling her voice. She'd come to the hotel room I shared with my teammates. We were getting ready to leave for the meet but they stepped out at her request so she could speak with me privately.
"Yes, why?"
"You seem out of it and we need your head in the game right now."
I yawned. "Just a little tired, but I'm okay."
The space between her eyes creased together and she pressed the back of her hand to my head. "You're warm."
I pulled away. "A fever won't hold me back. Don't worry," I said and slapped on a smile. "I thought I felt a little warm last night and took some cold medicine with a few Emergen-C packets."
"Are you wearing blush?"
"Yes, of course." My lips pursed together. "Why?"
"You just look a little more flushed than usual."
Now it was my turn for my brows to bunch tight. I glanced in the mirror and shrieked.
"Oh, my God." I laughed. "I didn't blend it in enough," I lied. I did look a little more flushed for some reason. Looking back at my coach, I said, "My mom got me new blush. It was my first time trying it out and I went a little too heavy." I grabbed my makeup bag and brushed on some foundation to help tone down my cheeks. "Better?" I asked.
She didn't seem sold but nodded anyway. "Did you take Emergen-C this morning?"
"No."
"Open up two and take them now." I did what she said and forced them down. "Good. That stuff works miracles and you should be good soon. When we get back, make sure you schedule an appointment with your doctor. Let's not mention this to Kova, though. He hasn't been himself lately."
"Good idea."
I refused to be concerned with what I could do to help him anymore, but also because it would look a little odd delving into my coach's life and asking Madeline for more information. Staying out of his personal life was key to preserving my sanity.
"Ready to roll? You got this?"
