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"I'm sorry," I said, a hair above a whisper. "You must be so annoyed with me and this drama by now. You must think it's ridiculous how I feel."
"What you feel is not ridiculous. He made you feel this way and I hate that for you. I wish I could make it better."
He nestled me further into his lap and I felt a growing thickness I wasn't expecting. Our gazes met and he clearly wasn't ashamed over the fact he was hard.
"I care about you, Aid, more than you probably know…more than I should allow myself to. Seeing you hurt, hurts me."
"You're the only one who cares about me," I said so quietly, and that was the sad truth.
"Don't say that. You know it's not true."
"Oh, it is, trust me. I don't know what I did to deserve this trifecta of shit dumped on me."
We looked into each other's eyes and I knew he could see the melancholy written all over my face.
My heart
ached with this unending need to be desired, wanted, loved by one specific man, and the boy in front of me was open and honest and wanted to give me everything the one man I wanted couldn't.
Hayden placed his hands around my hips and shifted me closer to him, pushing me against his hardened length. The smoldering look in his eyes made my stomach flutter.
"I see so much good in you," he said. "I just wish you could see it too."
My teeth dug into my lip and his gaze dropped to my mouth, where it stayed a little too long. He was too good to me—too good in general—and I didn't deserve that. His head angled to the side, his eyes growing heavy with hunger. I felt my own telltale sign of desire stirring and briefly wondered if I should act on it. Could I use Hayden to my own advantage? Use my friend to help me escape the thoughts running through my head, even for a little while? What kind of person did that make me, and did I care?
"Hayden…" He lifted his gaze and I decided to take a chance. "I just want to forget. Make me forget Kova."
Eyes wide, he shook his head. The struggle was written all over his face and the wound in my heart widened upon seeing that. He knew what I was asking for, and I knew his answer before he’d even opened his mouth.
"You're vulnerable right now, and I'm not a monster."
I disagreed. "I'm asking, though. There's a difference. It doesn't make you a monster if I'm asking, right?"
"It wouldn't be right," he said, regret heavy in his voice.
My jaw trembled and a sigh rushed past my lips. I shouldn't have asked, because I was an emotionally charged mess gasping for air. Asking him to go that extra mile was wrong, especially when he was the one person who'd always had my best interest at heart, who’d dropped everything any time I've ever needed him. And for what? Sex wouldn't accomplish anything. It wouldn't change my current situation. It wouldn't magically erase the past…
But it would make me forget for a little while. It would make me feel wanted. It would ease the pain in my heart and the nauseous feeling in my gut.
Hayden tilted his head to the side and took me in. I bet he would be gentle and caring between the sheets, someone who showed me respect both inside and outside of the bedroom.
"God." The word came out sounding more like defeat. "You must think I'm the worst kind of human alive.”
I lifted my knee to move off Hayden, but he stopped me, raising a hand to my cheek and turning me to face him.
"Hey," he said, his voice low and raspy. His fingers laced through my chalky hair and he pulled me close to whisper against my lips. "I could never think that about you. I think Kova is the worst kind of human alive, but not you. I think you're amazing. I think you're strong. I think you're ambitious. And, I think you're beautiful." The corner of his mouth quirked up. "But I would feel wrong having you like this. I want you to come to me willingly, not because you're hurt and trying to forget someone else."
"I pushed you away because of Kova, because I foolishly held on and hoped that there would be more. But I'm done. I'm done with him. I promise. Even if we don't do anything, I'm still done with him."
"So you only want me now that he's out of the picture?" He pulled back. Hurt masked his features and that made me feel even worse.
"No. No, it’s not like that. You know that's not true." I sighed, regretting what I’d said. I wasn’t making any sense and wished even more that I hadn't asked what I did. "I just wanted to forget him, forget the pain…just for a little while."
"Tell me the truth, Aid. What was really going on between you two? It was more than just fucking around, wasn’t it?"
I sat there in stunned silence. Hayden was asking too much from me. I couldn’t answer him, not honestly.
"Jesus Christ, you fell for him. You fell for that fucking piece of shit."
