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"I was about five months when I had the miscarriage. You'd never know it, though. I hardly showed and hid it well."
Avery let go and her tears really started to fall. I reached over and pulled her into a bear hug. She softly cried on my shoulder, shaking. I cried with her over the loss of everything at once. She held me tight as she sobbed, her tears coming in fast and hard. My heart broke as she relived this moment I was sure she wanted to forget for the rest of her life. This whole time she was living a lie with no outlet. I knew that feeling and how it could consume someone, how the pressure mounted into something more, how you're stuck with these depressing thoughts.
But this was different. She had carried a life inside of her. Her child.
A child she lost.
And I had missed out on being an aunt.
Forty-Five
"I don't know what to say, Ave. I'm so, so sorry. God, I'm so sorry," I said again through my tears.
My issues felt so small in comparison to hers. Now I knew why she wanted to tell me in person. This wasn't a conversation to have over the phone.
Avery sniffled and drew in a deep breath. Pulling back, she used her shirt to wipe her eyes.
"I asked him to feel my belly that day because our son was kicking. I wasn't far along enough to feel kicks all the time, but they did start. Small ones, but I felt them. I thought if he wouldn't talk to me, then at least that could work. I remember feeling a sliver of hope, like my heart was going to pop out of my chest because he stopped yelling at me and looked down at my belly. His eyes changed, hi
s demeanor changed, and I saw the old Xavier for a split second. Even though he claimed he didn't want me, he wanted our baby. His hand reached out only to pull back just as quickly. His wall slid back into place and he kicked me out, slamming the door shut. I cried for him to take me back. I didn't make it far inside your house when I fell to the floor in pain. Joy found me."
My entire body tensed over Joy being the one to find her. Then all at once everything clicked into place, and my mind flashed back to Easter when shit had hit the fan. Joy had said she’d cleaned up their mess and helped with Avery's miscarriage like she was proud of it. I clenched the back of my teeth while I tried not to relive that day.
"What happened next?" I asked, dreading to know exactly how Joy had helped.
"She took me to a private clinic," Avery said, her voice so low I could barely hear her.
"Did she know it was a miscarriage?"
Avery hesitated. "She did. She said it would be better if I said I had an abortion. She knew about Xavier's partying and said he wouldn't take it as hard, so I did. Call me crazy but I agreed with her. I never knew when his next high was going to kill him and I didn't want him to take any of the blame at all, so I agreed and lied to him."
My jaw dropped and a splinter of heat zipped down my spine. "You're kidding me. Did she encourage it? I swear, Avery, I will kill her."
God. I was starting to seriously hate that woman.
Avery sobered up a little. "No, not really. I mean the doctor said I was in the early stages of having a miscarriage and that's when Joy suggested I just do the procedure to get it over with to move it along faster." She sat quietly for a moment. Her jaw quivered. "So I did. I killed my baby. I didn't know stress would do it. I didn't know how easy it was to miscarry," she stated, breathing heavily. "I didn't know anything," she cried out. "Now I'll never get to hold him, and Xavier will never get to call him Rocky."
"Rocky?"
She shrugged one shoulder dejectedly. "He joked that he was going to name him Rocky."
We were both quiet for a little while, letting everything sink in. I held my best friend's hand, trying to breathe spirit into her. It physically hurt me to see her like this and I wanted to take away her pain as much as I could. I wasn't naïve. I knew she'd never forget something like this, but if I could help make her a little happy, then I wanted to.
"Why not just tell him the truth?"
"I'd rather him hate me than think he caused the miscarriage and hate himself. If we were together and never fought, then I'd be sitting here with a baby with you. I don't blame him for anything, but I knew he'd blame himself. He went on a bender and pushed the partying the furthest I'd seen yet."
Avery burst out with more tears. "I'm so sorry," she sobbed. I told her to stop and to just to get it out. She shouldn't be apologizing. This was what I was here for.
"If he knew he was the source of the miscarriage, it scares me to think what he'd do."
"I bet he lost it when you told him." Not only was I sad for my bestie, but for my brother too. Just when I thought my problems were bad, there was always someone who had it worse.
Avery raised her head, eyes as wide as the moon. "It was the first time I ever saw him cry. He trashed the pool house, put holes in the wall with his fists and head, got wrecked every night for weeks. Joy had to hire people to redo the whole thing. I thought he was going to overdose again, and for good this time. Thank God he didn't."
"So what happened with the Fourth of July?"
She licked her lips and glanced down. "I wasn't sure when I got pregnant, and my period was irregular, so I was given two due dates. The doctors said that only time would tell as the fetus grew." She paused. "July fourth was in the middle of my due dates. I got pregnant sometime in October, but I didn't know until December."
