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"He'd been married for months, Holly."
"Yeah, another shock. Especially with the way he always looked at you."
Air seized my lungs. "It's been that obvious since then?"
"No, I really don't think so. After what I've been through and given the fact I know him a little better than others, I can see it."
"How does he look at me?"
"With admiration, almost like he loves you. He sure doesn't look at his wife in the same way." She paused. "I take that back. He does seem like he loves her but it's just different. I can't explain it. Like he tries so hard not to look at you but when he does it's like awe in his eyes. It's kind of funny since he's a man. Usually it's the woman acting like that."
"No way. He doesn't look at me like that."
"It's the truth. Hayden sees it too. Kova looks at you differently. He definitely doesn’t look at me like he does you, which I'm glad about." She laughed half-heartedly. "If he did, it might trigger PTSD."
I laughed, and covered my m
outh. I giggled way harder than I should have at that comment.
"I'm serious," she said.
"I know it may seem hard to believe, but he didn't force me into anything. It was the opposite, actually. He tried not to but I just kept pushing and pushing until I got what I wanted."
"Even though you knew he had a girlfriend?"
My cheeks heated with embarrassment. I blinked hard, ashamed to open my eyes.
"Yes. I know it makes me a bad person. This might sound cheesy, but he's my other half. I can't imagine a future that he's not in." I inhaled and expelled a weighted breath, then got real with her. "The thing is, I don't know how to stop loving him. My heart beats for him, Holly, every single day. I know it's wrong and I'm not supposed to, but I love him. I don't know how to stop it."
She sucked in a quiet gasp. "Knowing he has a wife doesn't bother you?"
I looked her directly in the eyes and told her the truth. "No, it doesn't."
Her brows shot up, she was taken aback. I didn't blame her. "That's kind of… " Holly didn't finish her sentence.
"Shitty?"
She nodded regrettably. I knew I should feel remorse for what I've done, but the truth was, I didn't. I don't know if I ever did.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. I know the right thing would be to sever ties with him, but I just can't because deep down, I don't want to. My mind gives me warnings but my heart plows them down with nothing but love for him. And love always wins, right? Isn't it supposed to?"
Holly was quiet for a moment. "But he has a wife."
"I know.”
"Is he going to divorce her?"
Quietly, I said, "No, not that I'm aware of. But I'd never ask for that either."
"Then what are you going to do?"
I thought about it for a moment before I said, "I can only love him in the dark."
Fifty-Four
I vomited until I dry heaved.
The back of my throat burned like someone was scraping hot coal down it and my stomach was hollow.
