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I smiled to myself. Her twin was a giant teddy bear who wanted to comfort and guard everyone. A lot made sense now. Hayden would never accept Kova no matter how much I pleaded my case to him, because of what had happened to Holly. She had been easily manipulated by her old coach, and he assumed I'd been too. It was easy to say I wasn't, but the words were empty when his sister had actually experienced it.
"He's been worried about you, you know."
"I don't think Hayden is capable of not worrying about anyone," I said, and she agreed. "Why is there a dating rule in effect?" I asked.
She glanced
at me, then let go of the comforter she was picking at, like she'd finally let go of the shame she carried with her. She dried her cheeks with the back of her hand.
"Before the coach was fired, I spiraled out of control. I skipped practices so I wouldn’t have to see him. And like I said, I hooked up with kids from school just to feel normal. I had a terrible attitude. It was too late before I realized that my actions had backfired on me because my coach noticed too. He'd gotten worse than ever with me, and I ended up confessing to Hayden one night. I couldn't take anymore and I broke down. I told him I needed to take an STD test because I had a bump on me that I freaked out over. It ended up being nothing, but Hayden was furious and got involved trying to help. By that point Kova threatened to expel me from World Cup for my behavior." She paused, taking a deep breath. "Hayden went to Kova and pleaded with him, telling him everything that had been going on and how I needed to take an STD test. That’s when Kova called my parents. When they wanted to pull us from World Cup, Kova went to bat for us. He told them of his plans to fire my coach the moment he bought the building so we could stay. Unfortunately around the same time, my dad took a job in Ohio. It was an offer he couldn't refuse, but I didn't want to leave and neither did Hayden. They couldn’t afford to keep us training here, let alone in a rented apartment, and they sure as hell wouldn't trust another coach so soon. That was when Kova suddenly had a scholarship program no one knew about."
My face scrunched up. That was news to me. "What scholarship program?"
"Exactly."
"The program would pay for me and Hayden to train full time and the meet costs. The only thing my parents had to pay for were the travel, leos, and other needs outside of the gym. Kova said he saw our true potential and that we could live with him and Katja until we got our own place so they could watch over us. It wasn't easy for my parents. They had to come to an agreement, like Kova agreeing not to go to the cops. It took time and money."
It was easily over two grand a month just for both of them to train full-time elite, not to mention the leotards could run as high as five hundred dollars for one. Training at the Olympic level often created financial strain on families, some going as far as to file bankruptcy. Elite was almost as heavy with expenses. With Kova footing the bill, it alleviated the burden on the family with the possibility of securing a future for Hayden and Holly. The whole reason Holly was still competing at an elite level was to hopefully gain a full-ride scholarship to college. Hayden had received one, and Holly was praying she would too.
"In return, we had to sign a no-dating agreement. Kova said his time was valuable and we had to respect it. He was giving us one chance, and one chance only. "
I laughed. "I'm sorry for laughing, it's just so Kova."
"I know. I think he felt guilty he hadn't caught on sooner with my coach, so this was his way of giving back. I don't have to tell you how often this happens or how most coaches get away with it. My parents said he even offered to pay for the therapy, but they declined and said he was doing enough for us already. Ultimately, my mom stayed back for a few months until she put us in the trust and care of Kova. We tell everyone that we’ve lived on our own since sixteen, but it's a lie. My parents were running out of money with the move to Ohio, so we lived with Kova and Katja for a little while. Once the coach was fired, we got our own apartment. That gave my parents the time they needed to get our place situated. Kova knew how much gymnastics meant to me and my brother and he wanted us to have it without worry, but with security. And we did."
My eyes were focused on Holly, my chest aching for the time that was stolen from her. She was the all-American girl on the outside, but on the inside, she was suffering and in a state of anxiety thinking I was being abused like she had been. There was so much I didn't know about the people I spent fifty hours a week with. I knew them, yet they were virtual strangers.
Quietly, she said, "Kova was the one to pull me out of it. He worked with me at my pace until I was ready to train elite. He said if I was never ready then that would be okay, but that we had to try. I owe him so much."
Tears immediately filled my eyes. I blinked them away. He'd done the same for me and it was something I could never repay him for. It was hard to wrap my head around Kova and this story. His generosity, his compassion, why he never told me. It made a lot of sense now. Kova had struggled growing up. The thought occurred to me that he was trying to make a change, possibly trying to give to those who might not have the chance. It placed him in a light that was riveting and took me by complete surprise. It made my heart beat for him and who he was underneath, the layer he kept hidden to the world. After all our ups and downs, I knew there was a man with a big heart there, I just didn't know how big it really was.
Swallowing, I exhaled the worry of telling a secret, and opened up the way she had.
"Kova was the one to pull me out of the dark hole I'd been stuck in too. When the diagnoses came, I shut down and didn't tell anyone. On top of that, I'd been dealing with so many personal things at home I was trying to not let get to me too. I had so much weight I was carrying around every day that I tried to channel into gymnastics. I'd wake up and think, what else could go wrong?" I paused for a moment, thinking. "It took some time, but you know how when you just hold it all in and then you explode and it's usually on the wrong person?" She nodded. "That's what happened. I blew up, and I blew up on him. He let me." Her brows shot up. "Kova knew about it—my dad told him, even though he promised me he wouldn't—and so he'd been trying all along to help me. I just didn't know it because I didn't see it from shutting everyone out."
Holly chewed on her lip for a long moment. "Was there something going on before this? You and him?" Her question was soft and without judgment.
"Yes."
Her shoulders fell. Her reaction part shocked part sad. "I knew it. I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure either."
"It's not like what you and your coach went through. I know it sounds like I'm defending him, but I'm not. I promise. If anything, I pushed him."
"I believe you, it's just hard to accept, you know? There's always a shadow of doubt. I know Kova and I would never put him in the same category of that other coach. It's just…" She let out a sigh. "Yeah, I get it."
I nodded. It made sense. "Do you think the others know?" I asked, praying for two little letters. Holly shook her head and I exhaled in relief.
"If they knew, they'd talk about it."
"Reagan kind of knows." Her eyes widened. "I didn't speak to her about it and I never will, but she caught on the day Katja came to the gym and told everyone about the wedding."
She blinked like she was thinking back to that day. "Yeah, that was a surprise."
"How so?"
"They just never seemed totally in love, you know? I knew they loved each other—like I love you, but not like I love you like that."
The knots in my stomach tightened just thinking about that dreadful day and how I wished I could erase it from my memory.
