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He picked up my garbage pail and turned it over, shaking it so all the contents fell out. One stick was turned up and I could see the two pink lines from where I was standing, so I knew he could too.
"I'm sorry," I said again. "I know I should've told you but I was scared and I didn't want you to blame me and think I planned it. I tried to tell you a few times but I just couldn't do it. I was too scared. Then you started talking about Katja's pregnancy and I didn't want you to think I was lying too."
Kova fell to his knees and picked up the tests, flipping them over. He didn't say anything, just studied them, reading the two that clearly showed I was pregnant.
"I know you probably hate me for this, but I really did try. I don't know what happened… I took the pills like I was supposed to. I didn't even know I was pregnant until we came back from the meet."
Holding the tests, he turned to face me. He squeezed his eyes shut, remorse filling his face. "I could never hate you," he said.
Another sob burst from me and I ran to where he was kneeling. I got down and looked into his eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"You were pregnant at the meet," he said.
"Yes, I just didn't know it."
His face fell. "What made you take the test?"
"Avery. I was so sick, and it was her idea. I just thought I was sick because of traveling and my stupid kidney issues and how it took so much out of me. It never occurred to me I could be pregnant."
He looked down at the tests, staring hard at them like he was looking for an answer.
"You have to be a few months. Two, close to three."
"No," I wept, my jaw quivering. "That means the heart is beating." Fresh, warm tears fell.
Kova looked up, but before he could say anything, I told him what I had already decided.
"I can't have a baby, Kova. I'm sorry but I just can't. I'm going to have an abortion. I've already made up my mind. It's my body and you can't force me to have a kid, not that I think you want one, but I'm not changing my mind. I'm sorry but it's what I have to do."
I don’t think I even breathed through that.
"Were you even going to tell me?"
I blinked. I went for the truth because at this point I had nothing left to lose. "I honestly don't know. I was going to, then I didn't know how to tell you. I really don't know. I want to say yes, but I've been a mess and I couldn't find the words. There was never a right time." Exhaling, I said, "No, I know I would've told you. I just don't know when I would have."
Recognition dawned on him. He held the stick up. "This is why you kept pushing me away?"
I nodded.
Kova grabbed all the sticks, then carried me to my room where he sat me down, then placed the throw blanket I had at the end of my bed around my shoulders. He rubbed my arms, trying to warm me up and sat down next to me.
This wasn't what I’d expected. I’d expected rage. I’d expected yelling. I’d expected the worst and yet there was nothing. But he wasn't saying anything, and that terrified me.
“How was I supposed to tell you I’m pregnant?”
Silence.
“I knew you would be mad. I knew it.”
Silence.
“An abortion is the only option for us. I’m only seventeen. I can’t have a baby.”
Silence.
Silence.
Silence.
