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"I wish I was."
My gaze wandered away, shame eating away at the lining in my stomach. I was going to give myself an ulcer at this rate. I placed the half-eaten cracker on my nightstand and then brushed away the imaginary crumbs on my blanket.
"Kova?" I asked softly, now picking lint.
"Yes?"
"What do you think would happen if my dad found out about us? We know Joy knows, and why she hasn't told my dad is beyond me. I feel like she's holding onto the information for some reason, I just don't know why. Katja is aware and knows everything. But my dad? He thinks you're staying here as a favor to watch over me, because you're his friend…"
My voice trailed off and the guilt I’d felt before multiplied by ten.
Thirty-Four
"I honestly do not have an answer for you." Kova sat on the edge of my bed. His face was drawn, and he appeared as horrible as I felt. "I wish I did, but I do not. Even if I was not Frank's friend, I do not believe it would go over well."
"How would you feel if the roles were reversed?"
His eyes sharpened. "I would be in jail. If I ever have a daughter, she will be on lockdown until she is thirty-five. No cell phone. No television. No friends." Kova raised a pointed brow, then said, "No friends who like to—how do you say—smush other friends."
A sad smile tugged at my lips and I laughed. "Did you just say smush?"
"I did. I am not too old to not know what that word means, and do not tell me a boy can fuck like a man at seventeen. They only just discovered their cock."
I smiled bigger. "You're terrible."
Kova shrugged without care. "I am who I am."
Reality faced me again. Guilt was chewing me up. "This is so wrong, Kova. I feel bad for my dad. I never realize how wrong it is until it's looking me in the face."
Kova sighed deeply. "Believe me. Every day when I look at you, when I think about us and the things I want, it will never be right. But here, Ria," he said and placed his hand over his heart, "I do not care what is right or wrong. All I care about is you. So if I have to sneak behind your father’s back, then so be it."
"And you're okay with that?"
"What other choice do I have? Give you up? Never. I have tried and it did not work. Could you cut ties with me completely?"
I looked into his eyes. I knew the answer without having to say it. He did too.
Our love and pain were entwined, curling around us whenever we breathed the same air. We were stuck in a cycle. A painful, endless cycle that had no light at the end of the tunnel.
We were going to destroy so many relationships, but hopefully not ruin our own in the process.
I tossed and turned all night.
Glancing at the clock, annoyance steamrolled through me. It had only been a few hours since I’d fallen back to sleep. So not really all night, but it sure felt like it. I turned on my side and watched Kova sleeping in the dark. The only light streamed in from the blinds. His arms were folded behind his head, the carved vascularity of his biceps accentuated at this angle. Kova was a brawny man, physically beautiful with immense strength and a surprising softness to him.
His naked chest expanded and contracted with each pull of air. I reached out, wanting so badly to touch him, to trace the tattoo on his ribs. But I didn't. I rolled over back onto my other side and closed my eyes, praying for sleep. After I’d had a large mug of soup, I curled up next to Kova with the intention of talking, but my eyes drifted shut before I could stop them and I fell back asleep, only to wake up every few hours or so.
"What are you thinking about," he asked softly, spooning me. Kova wrapped an arm around my waist and fitted me to him like a puzzle piece. His body was so warm and inviting. I sank back into him and sighed. My butt burrowed into his hips and I pulled up the covers over us.
My fingers laced his and I pulled them to my chest. "I didn't mean to wake you."
Kova kissed the back of my neck and asked me again as he cupped his legs to the back of mine. "What are you thinking about?"
"Nothing. Everything. I have a hard time staying asleep some nights. I'm so physically tired I can barely move, but my mind doesn't stop."
"Do you take anything to help you sleep?"
I shook my head. "No. I figured with all the other medications I take it wasn't a good idea to add more to the mix."
