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Our gazes never wavered the higher I went. We were too afraid to look away, not wanting to break the connection.
Stepping blindly onto the platform when I reached the top, I slowly walked in the direction of my gate, still watching him through blurry eyes.
Kova stayed where he was, rooted to the ground and fixated on me. We only saw each other, and all I could hear was the roaring sound of my heartbeat in my ears the further I got away from him.
Kova's lips parted and my heart plummeted as he took one step in front of him only to stop.
This was too much.
My jaw trembled and my teeth clamped down on my lower lip as his head dropped between his shoulders and he faced the floor. He couldn't stomach to see me walk away.
Gripping my duffle bag strap in search of courage, I turned and stared straight ahead, letting the tears fall freely in waves. There was no way to disguise the pain of losing a loved one and I wasn't going to even try. I was going to let myself feel every emotion to remember that this was real and it would never be forgotten. I was leaving someone I loved behind. There was no reason to shut the door on those feelings.
Kova was as devastating as a tornado.
A quiet sob escaped my lips. I puckered my mouth together.
I thought back to the first time I saw him again as a teenager at World Cup, how he stole my attention and took my breath away. We were inevitable then and we didn't even know it.
Kova had supported me and pushed me to be better than the day before. He believed in me and showed me how to succeed with the right skills, not just in the gym but in life. Even on my worst days when I wanted to give up, he encouraged me to do more, try more, knowing if I didn't give it my all, I'd regret it. He was the flame to the fuel in my veins. He saw the drive in me and ignited it.
Blinking my eyes, I felt a fresh need course through my body.
A new goal sprang to life.
It would be the riskiest one yet.
I was my new goal, and my incentive to thrive would be Kova. It was going to hurt so good.
That was how I was going to view us—a risk worth taking while I got better, healthier. Because I would. I refused any other outcome. I wasn't going to let lupus and kidney disease steal me any more than I already had, not when I had a lot of life in me left to live.
I took a seat near my gate away from people and placed my duffle bag on the floor near my feet. I reached inside and pulled out the gift wrapped in black tissue paper with the envelope attached to it.
I carefully tore off the envelope and accidently pulled back some of the tissue paper. The scent of his cologne bled from the paper as I slipped his note out of the envelope and unfolded it.
Sniffling back the last of my tears, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
My Dearest Malysh,
I was scared to want you. I still am.
Damn it. Fresh tears instantly filled my eyes.
Do not feel bad for the decision you have made. Even though it kills me, I do not regret a fucking thing. Every moment with you was worth having all the way until now, even the bad. If that was all the time I was allotted with you, then I will die a happy man. I hope it is not, though. I hope that when your mind wanders to the past, you think of us and the connection we made. I hope our goodbye opens a door for us to spend a lifetime together. This separation is one of many boulders for us to overturn. I want to be the one to help you lift them when times are tough, but I understand why you want to do it alone. After all, your fight is what I love about you.
You were right to leave.
When I came to your hotel room on the night after the meet I had pulled you from, it was then that I started to write about us every single day. What you made me feel, what you were going through, how I saw you through my eyes. Your strengths, my weaknesses. Our ups and downs. How I learned you were sick and keeping it from me. When I realized I loved you, and how I knew you loved me before you said it.
I smiled at that. I'd only allowed myself to love him in the dark until I couldn't hide anymore.
It is all there in my journal. Every thought, every feeling, they are yours.
I gasped, my hand flying to my mouth to cover it. Tears welled in my eyes. Kova gave me his private journal.
Read one page a day, no more.
Our time is not over, Malysh, but it is for now.
