AllFreeNovel
Share Us
We giggled. I'd convinced Avery to read a romance novel a few months ago and the rest was history. She said boys were better in books. I agreed. Even though we both loved the steamy scenes, her way of putting a smile on my face was to narrate a book while I was at dialysis. She had come to three sessions with me and my cheeks bloomed with heat. It was the three best sessions I’d had.
After I’d arrived in Oklahoma a little over a year ago, Dad and Sophia had flown in to help me unpack and get settled. Sophia ended up staying then for close to a month. I’d initially wanted to go at it on my own, but after my first few dialysis treatments, I had to admit it was nice to have her help. Once I’d felt confident I could make it to treatments and care for myself afterward, she returned home to Georgia. We spoke and texted all the time. Truth be told, the month she’d spent here was exactly what we’d needed to work on our bond. I was really happy to have a mom who wanted me. There was a part of me that longed to be able to say my mom was my best friend.
As the New Year’s celebrations continued, I wanted to creep toward the exit and drop the empty smile from my face. All day I’d reminisced on the past, and as the day had drawn to an end, my veins had filled with a vibrating need for the one person who wasn’t here. I hadn’t heard from him since the day I left. He’d said he’d come for me, and while I desperately wanted him to, I was partially relieved he hadn’t yet.
Avery left a couple of days later and I already missed her so much. Some days, like today, were lonely. I didn't regret my decision to move here, but it wasn't easy either. Life lessons and growing up and all that jazz.
I retrieved a bottle of water from the refrigerator and took a sip as I sorted through the mail I’d left on the counter earlier. I smiled at the postcard Avery had sent from Florida.
Working on my holiday tan in the sun. How’s the snow?
She could be such a brat. Avery wasn't a fan of the cold weather and almost bailed after she arrived here. Apparently Oklahoma had one of those rare cold fronts where it felt like negative three degrees. She said she wasn't built for cold, and I'd have to agree that I wasn't either. However, it was where I felt I needed to be.
I flipped the grocery ads aside and revealed a padded yellow envelope. My brows furrowed wondering who had my address and what I received.
Turning it over, my heart stilled at the familiar writing on the label. Chills raked down my arms. My stomach twisted into knots and I sat on the stool before my legs went out from under me.
It had been sixteen months since I last had any form of contact with him. I'd counted.
I had zero shame.
Quickly, I tore open the package and saw three journals inside. Lips parting on a gasp, I pulled them out along with a letter attached to the top one. Each journal was wrapped in black tissue paper bound with a green sticker that reminded me of his eyes.
My Dearest Malysh,
Enclosed is my soul.
X
Kova
With shaking hands, I lifted the first journal and lost myself in his words.
It started from the day I left.
He wrote about his divorce process, my dad dropping the charges against him, selling World Cup… He was raw and honest, and I found myself tearing up every few pages. I missed him every day, but I never realized I missed him this much until I stayed up all night reading the journals. At times the pages were filled with his dark thoughts or ramblings that I couldn't make sense of. I gathered he'd had copious amounts of vodka those days when he penned his feelings. Still, I savored them. They were his thoughts, ones I begged him for when I was in Georgia. I would take what I could get. It was a little view inside his head and I was grateful for it. My heart ached and relief flooded through me. He still loved me. He hadn’t come for me yet, but he still loved me. I was somewhat okay knowing that.
The second journal turned slightly personal. I cried a lot.
I do not know who I am without her here. I thought things would smooth over once the divorce proceedings began, but they have not. It has only worsened. I miss her and I do not know how to handle these thoughts raging through my head without her to talk to me. It is painful. Strange enough, she could look at me and know my head was filled with chaos and iron it out for me. She would push, half the time I hated it, but I always felt better when I spoke to her. If only I realized that then.
I need her more than anything in the world, but I know I cannot have her. It is not right, but fuck, I am dying inside without her. I want to run to her and take her in my arms and never let her go. They say you do not know what you have until it is gone, and now I understand that sentiment more than ever. I never should have let her leave.
What a fucking mess my head is.
I am alone, stuck in this house with the walls closing in on me. I want to burn it to the ground and leave. I should go back to Russia.
I hate Russia. It is too far from her.
I have nowhere to go, and yet all I want to do is runaway and leave.
Everywhere I look, I think of her. I see her. I smell her. I wish I did not. She is hundreds of miles away, yet she feels right here with me.
I lost you her. I feel like I lost you her for good and I do not know how to handle this. I am going out of my mind.
I hate myself for causing her pain. I want to numb myself from feeling. Board up my windows and shut the world out. It is better that way and how I used to live, until her.
Why did she take my black and white world and splash it with color? I wish Frank never called me, and I wish she never stepped foot in my gym. The moment I saw her was a punch to my gut. It is still fresh, like it happened yesterday.
