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"I'm sorry for calling you a junkie." I whimpered. "I didn't mean to. I know you're not."
"Just shut up. I am one, and I got pissed. I'm your big brother. I'm supposed to protect you and all I ever do is fuck up every damn day. I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at myself and feel like all I do is let people down." Cupping the back of my head, my brother held me, letting me cry as much as I needed to. "I wanted to kill him, sis, when Dad told me what happened. He had to hold me back because I fucking lost it and I was ready to get my boys and go after him. I feel like I let you down and didn’t protect you when you needed it most."
His apology wasn't helping my emotions because all I could do was feel the weight of his words and the regret lining them. I clenched my eyes shut trying to hold in the tears. We both felt bad. Maybe we both had shit built up inside we had to get out, and it just happened to be with each other.
Guilt ate away at my heart. All I did was hurt people and sometimes I didn't even know I was doing it.
"I promise, Xavier, I promise nothing like that happened. I swear." I sniffled. "I have no reason to lie anymore. Please believe me. He—Kova—he was sick over it when it happened. I didn't care that he was, and I found myself purposely tempting him and trying to be around him."
Xavier pulled back and lifted the hem of his shirt for me to wipe my tears. I tried to smile but I couldn’t bring myself to as I took it and dabbed my eyes. I was hurt, but so was he. God, I wished we could go back and redo this conversation from the start.
Exhaling a large breath, I glanced up and was taken aback by the way he was looking at me.
Xavier was in a bad place. I had a terrible gut feeling no one knew just how messed up inside he was. His pointed nose flared. His dirty blond eyelashes framed the glowing amber of his eyes. He was going through some deep stuff too.
I didn't say anything. All I could do was hug my brother. He was emotionally suffering just as much as I was, possibly more, and maybe, just maybe, he needed this more than I did.
My heart pounded against my chest for him. Squeezing my eyes shut, I prayed that whatever he was dealing with inside would get better.
Xavier rested his head on top of my shoulder and we stood in silence as tears streamed down my flushed cheeks. He dipped his head and I felt his back shaking. It was a subtle shake, but I could feel it.
After a few good minutes of us dealing with our struggles in quiet, I said, "I know you're mad at her, but I hope you can come to terms with what happened between you guys. Not only is she my best friend, but she's my match, Xavier. She's always going to be in my life."
"I know. What are the chances that would happen?"
Xavier seemed much calmer now that he released whatever he was holding in.
"I was just as shocked. She surprised me on my birthday with the news."
"I know. She told me," he said, and I glanced up with my brows drawn together. He answered my puzzled stare. "When she got the news, she was bursting to tell you. I'm sure you know she's terrible with surprises. So, she told me and talked my ear off for days and said she was going shopping for you."
A dim smile tugged at one corner of my mouth.
"She got me some really funny things," I said, thinking of the shirts and mug. "I loved them."
"Yeah, I saw them. I helped her pick them out."
Surprise was written on my face. She hadn't told me they’d spoken or that he’d helped her, but I guess that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things anymore.
"It'll never work out with her," he added, his voice as far away as his stare. He was looking at something over my shoulder, but I could see he was lost in his thoughts.
"You don't know that."
He looked back at me. "No, I do."
"Do you love her?"
His long silence was my answer and I didn't like that. It was like barbed wire around my bleeding heart.
"I don't want you to worry about me and her. Everything'll be fine. I'll be real with you that I still fucking love her even though I want to wring her tiny goddamn neck. I know she feels the same way. But sometimes love just isn't enough, some things just can't be forgiven."
"Crazier things have happened."
He ignored me. "The last couple of years have been really…disturbing, but I'll always be here for you. I love you, but you better not ever think about hooking up with that man again, Adrianna, because I will kill him."
A sad chuckle rolled off my lips. I knew he wasn't serious. At least I didn't think he was.
"I love him, Xavier. How does one stop loving someone when it's killing them? I don't want to let go of him, and I know he feels the same way about me."
