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"Even with everything he's done to you, you still would hold on and love him?"
Before I answered, I took a hard look at him. Something in my gut said he was asking more for himself than to question me. I had a feeling this had to do with him and Avery.
"I do." I looked in his eyes and told him the truth. "If it's worth it, I have to forgive to move on. Kova's worth it." I nodded. Xavier didn't say anything. He seemed surprised and slightly hopeful. "Please, please," I said, stressing the word, "don't tell Dad. It's the honest truth, though."
He lifted my side braid and ran his fingers over it. Still looking at my hair, he said under his breath, "When you find out how to stop loving people when it's killing you, let me know."
Twenty-Five
I’d almost forgotten I had to see my doctor for a full checkup before I left.
Lupus brain fog was real.
I drove south to Cape Coral the day of the appointment.
Before I’d left, Dad told me Kova had called him and said he needed to speak with me because a couple of colleges had inquired about me. I had been thrilled, thinking I could put my focus on my next goal to keep my mind busy, but Dad had been reluctant. He didn't want me going back to World Cup for anything without him, especially where Kova was involved. But he also knew how important it was to discuss this matter. As gradually as I could, I’d reminded him Kova wasn't going to college with me.
With a little over an hour before I had to see my doctor, I was currently sitting in Kova's office with Madeline next to me. They'd already been in his office waiting for me when I walked in wearing light denim skinny jeans and a boho chic top with my leopard flats.
Looking at him but not being able to touch him, physically hurt me. I was getting to the point where I was unable to tell the difference between heartache and the tightness from my illnesses anymore. Both hacked my chest open with bare hands. I swallowed, wondering if he felt the same. I thought this would be easy—come in, have the conversation, leave.
But it wasn't like that at all.
The anguish in my chest at seeing him again in his element consumed my heart and took over all feeling. His fingertips tapped the top of the wood desk and my eyes dropped to the motion. Memories of us in his office flashed through my mind. My eyes lifted to the wall he took me against when Hayden had walked in and found us. I looked back at the desk he was still tapping, and I pictured myself hidden under it naked when Katja had walked in. I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to look at the couch where we had shared many intimate moments together and did a double take. My stomach plummeted.
It was a direct blow to my gut.
The couch was gone. My brows knitted together and hurt lacerated my tender heart. I wondered when he got rid of it, and why. My instincts told me it had to do with us, but the bigger part of me fighting for us was more optimistic about it.
I turned and faced forward. Madeline was still writing stuff down and checking her phone while she did, mumbling to herself. Kova was peering straight into my eyes with a helpless look.
I needed him. I needed to touch him, to feel his arms wrapped around me. I needed him to demand I tell him I love him so I could say I hate you. I just needed him to breathe against me and I'd know how he felt about us.
Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. It made the heart ache for something that might never be.
I didn't believe in soul mates. I thought the saying was cheesy, it made me laugh, but I got it now. I understood it, because I felt the two words come together.
Not attempting to see Kova later was going to be a struggle. I was trying to respect my father’s wishes and not hurt anyone else, but when my stomach was in knots and my heart was screaming out for him, it was difficult to consider anyone else's feelings but my own.
I looked at Kova. Our eyes met and he took my breath away. His hat was missing—I loved seeing him in it. The half-moon crescents under his eyes and drained expression told me he hadn't been sleeping much. I briefly wondered if he was writing his thoughts away or finding solace at the bottom of a vodka bottle. Sometimes he did that when his thoughts were dark.
My gaze drifted further down and I noticed Kova wasn't wearing his wedding ring anymore. I glanced away, trying to think back to the Trials and whether or not he had it on then, but it was all a blur. I wanted to believe he hadn't worn it, but I just couldn't remember.
"It's good to see you, Adrianna," Madeline finally said. She looked up from the binder she'd been writing in. "It felt strange not seeing you all week."
I gave her a sincere smile and cupped some
loose strands of my hair behind my ear. "It was strange not being here, actually. I didn't know what to do with myself. All my schoolwork is done. I finished early, so I just slept the whole time."
Her gaze softened with a knowing look I didn't like. She knew why I’d slept the week away, I was positive she knew. Though, it became a question with multiple choice answers. Did she know about both diseases? Or about the abortion—could I call it that if I'd already started to miscarry?
I didn't want to think about it.
"What did you do with your medals?" she asked me.
Now I was grinning from ear to ear. "I hung them up in my room at my dad’s house along with the flowers. I placed the bouquet upside down to dry so I could keep them forever."
"That was such a great idea. You can spray them with hairspray and they'll hold."
