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"Thank you for warning me. You know I don't like talking about it. It makes me feel like a walking disease. I mean, I am, but I feel like all eyes are on me now and I hate that feeling. I think this might be harder for me than the actual Games."
Kova eyed me cautiously.
"I want you to think of it as a story of both survival and inspiration, nothing else," he said, but his voice was too distant again for my liking. "That is what you are, Adrianna. You are an inspiration. You may not see it now, but one day a young gymnast will look up to you for your strength and fight, using your story as her motivation. Do not get caught in your emotions thinking the worst. Not only did you make the team, you made it while having lupus and kidney disease. That is not something to just be proud of, but to wear with pride. People will talk regardless. Who gives a shit? Do not let that take away from what you are about to do."
My lips twitched for a second. He said shit with a heavier than usual Russian accent.
"Why didn't you give an opinion when I asked about colleges? You know what you think matters to me. I want your insight."
He kissed the top of my head. "I don't want you to make a decision based on what I say."
"I won't. I'm just curious. I'm sure you know more about the schools than I do anyway."
Kova sighed deeply. "UCLA is a fantastic school, the team is top-notch. The head coach is someone I could see working well with you. She is known for bringing out the best in gymnasts and giving them time to find where they shine most. However, after all you have been through, what you will undergo soon, I am not sure competition on all four events is wise. You hate balance beam. Why waste your time and energy on something you dislike when you can spend it on something you love and excel at?"
Kova made a valid point, but I also liked to challenge myself. Plus, if I was taking a year off to recover, then I could possibly do all four events.
"Florida and Oklahoma are both neck and neck," he continued. "I personally love watching you on floor. Yes, vault and bars are where you outdo every competitor, but you come alive on floor, so I am leaning toward Oklahoma. With that all being said, given your health, Florida is an ideal choice for you."
My finger traced back and forth over his collarbone. I noticed he didn't suggest Georgia. My intuition told me he didn't want to make it seem like he was asking me to stay back and that was why he didn't bring it up.
Goose bumps prickled my skin as I touched him. Kova rested his cheek on the top of my head. I realized this was all it took for me—a stolen moment with him that settled my nerves.
Twenty-Seven
"I think your best option at this point is to forgo dialysis and schedule the transplant surgery immediately following the Olympics."
Puzzled, I sat staring at Dr. Kozol as if he'd just spoken a foreign language and expected me to understand and respond to it. The plan was originally to begin dialysis so I could allow my body time to rest and heal from gymnastics before I jumped into surgery. I knew eventually I had to get the transplant, just not so soon.
"I don't understand," I said, confusion shifting through me. I thought I was doing okay, better than I had in a long time. I felt okay, not worse. "I was going to move after the Olympics, possibly to another state. I thought I would continue our treatments there, just long distance. Now I need to schedule surgery immediately? What happened to dialysis?"
While I hadn't had time to give it thought considering how fast my life was moving lately, I knew accepting a place on one of the college teams was next on my list. If I had surgery, the offer might be retracted. A decision needed to be made soon even though I’d only just learned of the proposals.
It'd be what I worked for, my incentive to get better.
Not to mention, Avery had to prepare too. Was there even enough time for both of us to get on the same schedule? Anxiety gripped me. This was getting more real by the minute.
Avery was going to college. Did that mean she needed to take a leave of absence? I couldn't do that to her, especially not her freshman year. Maybe a summer surgery would work. That way we both could rest and heal properly. This summer was too late, it would have to be next year.
Clearing my throat, I continued. "Were my test results not what you expected?"
"They're not where I hoped you'd be at this point. You're responding to the medication, but your body is fighting it, and though the decline is slow, it’s steady. The longer you go without surgery, the more wear and tear you're doing to your body even though you can't physically see it. You need to really consider surgery immediately upon returning. You don't want to get to the point where you'll be too far gone."
While Dr. Kozol had seen me when I was in the hospital, he hadn't been able to run the tests he typically did. When I got here, he had vials of blood drawn and tested in his office, some sent out to the lab, along with X-rays and ultrasounds on various organs. He left no stone unturned. I'd sat for hours in his office thinking he'd tell me one thing only to surprise me with something else.
I glanced down at my lap. My fingers were twisted together, my nailbeds a pale pink. This was not what I was expecting. That changed a lot for me. I wouldn't be able to do that and move at the same time.
"How would this work if I move out of state?"
Dr. Kozol stared at me for an uncomfortable moment. "Where are you planning to go?" I listed the schools I was offered a scholarship to and told him the training hours were not nearly as grueling. His bushy brows rose. "So, you're going to continue with gymnastics?"
I nodded, and his eyes bore deeper into mine. I felt like he was silently ridiculing me, that I was reckless for my choices. He wasn't happy with me.
"If it's possible, I'd like to. It's really the only motivation I have right now."
"Have you considered speaking to a psychologist?"
I grimaced. "No, I don't want to do that."
