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The last thing I wanted to do was tell some stranger my problems and have them give me more pills to take. I was already on a daily cocktail of medication. I didn’t want to add more.
"I'm concerned the illnesses have skewed your vision. You're not making wise decisions, Adrianna. Maybe you should really consider speaking to someone. You do realize you won't be able to do gymnastics this year if you have surgery, right? It's not physically possible."
Of course, I was aware of that. I was aware of everything against me.
I wasn't going to answer him. If I could do dialysis, then I'd be okay for a little while. He had to know that was the door I was going to walk through. At least that way everyone can get prepared and adjusted. That's what I told myself, anyway.
"Wherever you decide to live, I'll put a team together for you. Everyone knows someone in this field, but I'll make sure I'm personally part of the new team, if you like." Dr. Kozol grimaced as he stacked the papers together. "Medically speaking, however, it's not wise. I just don't see how you're going to be able to come back with the thunder you need to train, even if the hours are less and the routines are not as demanding. Transplant recovery is going to take months for you to heal. Then you have to build yourself back up, and then start training. I'm concerned you're going to break your body back down and we'll have to start over. We don't want that. We only want to go up from here."
"But it's doable?" I asked, hopeful.
"I can't recall seeing anyone do it, but that doesn't mea
n it's not possible." He paused. "I just have to ask something." I nodded, curious about what he wanted to know. "Is gymnastics really worth risking your life for? Really think about that question. You're young. Why are you trying to destroy yourself? You wear yourself down by playing a sport. Once you reach stage five, which you aren't far from, that's it, Adrianna. You can kiss gymnastics goodbye and live out your days in a hospital bed." He studied me. "I don’t understand why you want to do that. You’ll make your life so much harder."
My eyes dropped to the floor. I didn't have a death wish. I guess I just didn't like my life and strived for a better life. It bothered me that something that couldn't be seen could dictate so much in my life.
"If we're not going to schedule your transplant right after, then we need to start you on dialysis. I want you on a plane back here within two days after the Olympics. Otherwise, I'm going to have to resign as your doctor. The risk is too great, and you've not yielded to the treatment I've devised for you. I've done everything I can for you up until now—I've waited long enough."
If I did what he said, that meant I wouldn't be able to do the promo tours with the Olympic team after. My heart crumbled a little.
"I'm not trying to be defiant and I don't want to die. I guess it's the one thing I have control over. It's the one thing that truly makes me happy. Without gymnastics, I don't know who I am. I don't know how to live or what to do."
"That's because you haven't given yourself time to live," he said sympathetically. "Give yourself time to recover properly and then weigh your choices. After that, you can decide what you want to live for. You'll have all the time in the world during recovery to find who you are and what you want to do."
Quietly, I said, "I don't know how to live without gymnastics if I quit. Gymnastics is who I am."
"You don't have to quit. There are other ways to be involved in the sport. You need to get better first and then sort out your future. But with these kind of results after months and months of powerful medications"—he tapped the paper—"you’re knocking on death’s door. Your kidney function is already extremely low. You're pushing the limit. If you drop to fifteen percent, you'll need emergency surgery. Just attending college is going to be difficult in general with the side effects of dialysis. You need to seriously weigh your pros and cons."
I nodded. "I have a question. Realistically, say I start dialysis shortly after I come home, and say I respond well to the treatment, how long do I have before I would need a transplant?"
Dr. Kozol chuckled under his breath. "I feel bad for your future husband," he joked, which made me laugh. "If, and that's a big if, you have a positive response, I'd say no more than two years to be safe. Four would be ideal, but given where your health is right now, that's highly unlikely. We'd rather be prepared early. I hesitate to tell you this because I don't want you to focus on that."
I perked up. I could work with a two-year timeline for both Avery and myself. Even though she was selflessly giving me a kidney, I had to take her time into consideration too. I wasn't going to chance my life like everyone around me assumed I was. I felt in my heart of hearts I'd get better enough to compete again, and that's the kind of mentality I went with. I could hire a personal trainer and do light workouts while recovering with dialysis that way I didn't lose what I’d worked so hard to attain.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I said, "Let's schedule the dialysis now. I'll be here with bells on first thing when I get back." I stopped when something dawned on me. "Wait, I'm supposed to be going back to Amelia Island after the Games."
"That's not an issue. I have an office about thirty minutes west of there. I'll make sure your file is transferred and everything is in place when you come in. In the meantime, once you decide where you will relocate to, let me know so I can put together a reputable team. How long will you remain in Georgia?"
"I'm not sure."
Dr. Kozol began writing while he asked me questions. Since I was deferring school to recover, I had roughly nine months before school started again, which meant I had about six or so to prepare for the collegiate team, and three months to get my health in order.
"Right now, you're retaining fluid in your feet, which isn't good."
"Is that why they felt stiff and swollen this morning? I almost had to change my shoes."
"Yes. Luckily, it hasn't reached your face. Any nausea or confusion? Irregular heartbeat? A change in urine?"
I shook my head. "Honestly, no. I've been feeling really good. Other than the usual joint pain and more hair loss, nothing out of the ordinary. My headaches have been pretty bad, but I think those are due to the fact I'm stressed out and running on anxiety because of the training camp and the Games."
His eyes met mine above the rim of his glasses. "Don't ignore what your body is trying to tell you."
"I'm not."
The room grew quiet as Dr. Kozol made his notes. I wasn't too thrilled about starting dialysis.
"You're going to be monitored for heart disease since you already have severe kidney damage that's progressing. I'm going to switch out one of your medications for a stronger steroid. This'll help with the wear and tear. I implore you to take the medication exactly as it's stated on the bottle. You cannot miss a dose."
