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Avery rushed over to me just as I covered my eyes. My head tipped back. I released a tight breath, suffering all over again.
Wrapping her arms around me, she held me as I cried on
her shoulder. She comforted me without saying a word. Avery had been with me through everything from the beginning. She had a notion of what I felt right now. There was no need for me to say anything, she knew.
"Oh, Aid," she said, her voice full of sadness. "Don't cry. Trust me, crying will get you nowhere. You'll realize it wasn't worth it."
I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t, not with this agony pulsing inside of my ribs. It told a different story. I was completely blinded by heartbreak and couldn’t see anything beyond my pain.
After a few moments, I pulled back. Avery reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand and plucked a few then handed them to me.
I kept my head down and blotted my eyes. "I just don't understand," I said. "It doesn't make sense. He wanted me to wait. Why would he want to wait? It's not like he said give me six months to clean this up, or one year, he just said we needed time. Time is an infinite number, and a self-imposed deadline can be pushed back. Kova is a perfectionist. By the time he comes to me, I'll already be dead and buried."
I could feel Avery studying me. I looked up at her through my lashes. Her lips were flat and twisting with sorrow as she looked into my eyes.
"I tried calling you. How long have you been here? I would've come back in a second if I knew you were like this."
I blinked. I didn't recall hearing my cell phone ring. "I don't know where my phone is," I said. God, I sounded so empty.
Avery frowned. "Are you sure you brought it back with you?" I nodded. Avery got up and looked around. She came out of the bathroom holding it and looking at the screen. Her thumb moved up and down as she read.
"You have a bunch of messages."
I didn't care.
"Hayden and Holly both sent you congratulations." Her voice trailed off. "Wow. Homeboy gave a play-by-play of you as he watched the event on TV." Her eyes widened. "Okay, now Hayden's just annoying me with all these messages. Holly said congrats and that she loves you. She said you looked so happy on the podium. You even have a message from Reagan."
I sniffled, trying to be grateful I had friends like them, but I felt nothing.
"Congrats, Red, I knew you had it in you all along. Too bad you didn't medal in beam. Nice job, though." Avery observed me with a blank stare. "That was from Reagan."
A partial laugh escaped me. "I figured that."
"Do you want me to message them back for you? I can pretend I'm you."
I nodded. "Thanks." Even though I was upset, that didn't mean it was okay to ignore their messages. I felt bad, but I didn't have the mental fortitude to handle responding to them right now.
Avery put her knee up and sat on the edge of the bed, typing away. After a few minutes, she put the phone down and looked at me. The air was chilly, yet I didn't move to pull the blanket over me. I felt like in some way I deserved to suffer in the cold when I despised it wholeheartedly.
"I'd give up my medals not to feel this heartbreak anymore." I blinked, staring straight into her eyes. "I'd even give up going to the Olympics."
Her shoulders slumped forward. Avery frowned, then said, "Hey. You worked hard for those. Don't say that."
"What happened with my dumb brother?"
"Don't change the subject."
I eyed her resolute expression and knew I wouldn’t be able to turn the topic. After a few quiet seconds, I said, "Then how do I stop feeling like this? I feel so empty inside, yet I feel everything all at once. This is worse than when I found out about the marriage."
That took me so long to accept and get over. I couldn't imagine how long this would take.
Her brows furrowed like she was bothered. "I don't like that you'd give up something like your medals in exchange for him after how hard you worked for them. You almost sacrificed your life for them." She took a deep breath and exhaled. "You're my best friend, and I feel it's my duty to tell you that if Kova makes you feel this way, then I think you need to reevaluate what you want. He clearly has other plans right now, not that I agree or disagree with them, but you need to think about you where he's concerned. What do you want? You know what he wants," she said, hitching her thumb over her shoulder. "The you that I know, would never think like that. Those medals are your whole life, and you'd give them up because of a guy?" Avery gave me a droll stare. "No. Nope. Not happening. I know right now is hard for you. I'll be here every step of the way to help you, but you need to change that attitude right now."
"What do I do, then? I feel so hopeless inside, Ave."
I sniffled again and leveled a stare at her. My stomach was hollow from anguish. It'd been hours since I had dinner. The thought of eating now or anytime in the near future made me sick. Hello, emotional stress.
"What did you do?" I asked. "I'm sitting on the edge here wanting to erase every memory so I never have the chance to feel like this again."
