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Sympathy filled her crystal blue eyes. "That's what happens with your first love."
My jaw trembled. Kova was my first everything. He was a devastating love I'd never regret.
"It took me a while to realize the only way to stop that emotion gnawing away at you is to live with it. Receive it, accept it, and move on. I'm not saying tomorrow, I'm not saying to never think about it, I'm just saying you don't want to waste your days away pining after something you can't have. You need to live your life and find something new that makes you happy. We fell in love, we had our hearts broken, and we’ll move on like so many others have."
"Why does anyone want to fall in love if it ends like this?"
Avery smiled sadly at me. "Sometimes the most heartbreaking memories are the most heartfelt ones we can never let go of. You had a good time, and you'll remember that feeling it gave you. You'll smile and wonder where that person ended up and how their life is going. Nostalgia will hit and you'll smile. There's something to be learned. It's why you hold onto them."
I glanced down at my hands, musing over her words. I was twisting one end of the tissue into a sharp pointed edge. There was something somber about that. People wanted to remember the good times that were filled with kisses under the rain. It was when one felt the most alive.
"In some strange way that helps," I said. I glanced away, feeling the sorrow settle over me once again.
"I can't stand to see you like this. Yeah, I like Kova, and I think you guys would be good together. But seeing you like this kills me. It makes me despise him. Honestly, I want to kill him. He isn't worth this, Adrianna. Not to see you like this, ready to give up your Olympic medals."
I fought back my tears. I heard Avery loud and clear. I thought about what Kova had said to me and how I felt his tone in my heart. He mimicked my feelings exactly, yet he’d still walked away. I didn't understand.
"Why didn't he fight for me?" I asked, my voice small. "He didn't even try. I wanted him to so badly. All he kept saying was that we needed time. Time is the same thing as walking away. Seriously, Ave, do you really think my dad is going to be cool with Kova even in a year? Obviously not."
Her shoulders fell. "Would it have changed your mind if he had?"
I bit down on the inside of my lip. Avery sensed my indecision and leaned in to hug me. "You know, sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in the twilight zone when it comes to you and Kova. I find myself cheering for him when I know I shouldn't. Call me crazy, but I don't think he didn't not want to fight for you. You guys have been through a lot, and I've seen the way he looks at you when no one is around. That's not someone who gives up easily. I think Kova is really trying to do what he thinks is right for the both of you. I think he would've fought for you only if he knew he could win. He can't win right now. Why drag out the bad time? It could only make things worse."
I pursed my lips together, fighting the emotion and shifted my eyes to Avery. Her crystal blue eyes weighed into mine. That sounded like Kova. I wanted to believe her, but it was hard to when I was so passionate about us. It went back to that whole "if there's a will, there's a way" thing. I felt like he had no will, and I think
that's what crushed me.
"Kova doesn't know that for sure. That's a huge risk to take."
"As much as it hurts to hear this, I think he did the right thing, even though it's killing the both of you. You're strong, he knows that. He knows you'll get over this." She paused and pressed her teeth into her lower lip. I could sense her hesitation when she sat up straighter. "The next couple of weeks are going to suck monkey balls, not just because of Kova, but because of your health too. Your life is about to take a huge turn. I feel like you should take that time to go through the motions and think about yourself and what you want. Reflect, heal, and all that shit. That way you give yourself time to figure out how to navigate your new life. Find who you are." She stared me in the eyes. "That's when you'll see just how fucking amazing and worthy you are."
Tears filled my eyes. I seriously loved my best friend. My jaw wobbled as I let out what I'd secretly been holding in. "I think… I think I'm really just scared, Ave. I'm scared I'm not going to get to live a full life. If I wasn't sick, then I feel like I'd be more understanding, but that's not the case. I want to live right now. Tell me I'm insane—we both know I am—but I think I need to live to get me through what I'm about to do, and that's with the people I love most." Tears streamed from my eyes and my voice squeaked. "I'm not asking for a lot. What if he comes around when it's too late? All that wasted time."
Her eyes hardened and she pointed a finger at me. "Don't even utter shit like that. I'm serious, Adrianna. You know I'm always going to be Team Ria, even if you're wrong, but you have to give Kova a chance to come back from this too." She was a little upset with me. "You know I'm right. Just say it," she said, grinning now. "Ave, you're always right."
A smile twitched my lips. I regarded Avery in a different light tonight. We'd always had this funny, easygoing friendship. The last couple of years we'd grown a lot, and now I was seeing her in a way I never had before. My head tilted to the side. Avery had this fiery ball of courage that she hid in her back pocket. There was a tenacity about her, and she inspired me with it.
"Did you let go completely?"
Avery looked away for a long moment, then back at me. I knew her answer before she even said it.
I smiled sadly at her.
"He's got one chance left. When he's ready, he's ready."
"Are you just going to wait?"
"Psh," she said. Her smile was filled with amusement. "That's a negative. I'm too young to wait around for love. If it happens, it happens."
I smiled back, but I didn't believe her. Avery was putting on a strong front, but I'd give it to her. She was trying to lift me up, and it was working.
When Avery spoke again, her voice was low, and there was a slight tremble to it. She couldn't look at me. "I feel like when people are looking for love, it never happens. I also feel like when they're waiting for it to knock on their door, it'll never happen either. I don't want to be like that, so I'm just gonna live and see where I end up and have fun. I want to spread my wings and fly against the wind. Life is too short to eat fat-free ice cream and sugar-free cake."
She was seriously winning me over.
"Did you think it would come to this?" I asked her. Tears blurred my eyes once again. I wanted to stop crying.
"No," she said quietly, and grimaced. "Honestly, I never saw this coming. I feel bad about it." Leaning into me, Avery gave me a big bear hug, then looked at me and said, "I think you need to ask yourself who you are without Kova."
