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Forty-Six
There was an enormous feeling of loss that no one had prepared me for after the Olympics.
It had hit at the end of the first week.
An emptiness settled in my chest and built a fortress around the outer layer. I didn't like the barren feeling that spread like black smoke through my heart chambers, and I used sleep as a way to avoid it.
This time three weeks ago, I was standing on the podium accepting the team gold medal. Now I was getting out of the shower hardly able to stand because of inflammation in my body. My ankles were sore, my toes looked like sausage links, and my cheeks were often warm to the touch. I was so out of breath, and the exhaustion wrecked me. I couldn't catch a good deep breath no matter how hard I tried. It was like my body had said that's enough and took over and released everything I'd been fighting to keep at bay for the last few years and unloaded it.
I'd achieved my dream…but no one talked about the after.
The first week home was spent sleeping, and then more sleeping. Dad was staying at Sophia's, but they both came over throughout the week to check on me and have dinner at night. We hadn't gone back to Amelia Island because I had a doctor appointment set up two days later and Dad felt it wasn't necessary to drive to Cape Coral right after. I was glad. I didn't want to be stuck there. Surprisingly, I felt more at home here than I did there. I'd missed my appointment, and the ones scheduled after that. Dad had reassured Dr. Kozol that I was okay and that I would be in within the next few weeks.
The second week I still hadn't cleaned anything or even unpacked my bags. Sophia actually came over and did that for me. She offered to hang up my medals, but I told her it wasn't necessary since I needed to start packing up my condo anyway and wanted to bring them with me. I slept a little less but not by much.
Today marked the end of the third lonely week home, and the deadline of when I was supposed to announce to the gymnastics world that I was committing to the University of Oklahoma.
The school was aware of my health and was still willing to take a chance on me after I’d told them I couldn’t take a full load the first year. They even granted me a late start due to competing in the Olympics, so long as I could catch up on my assignments. I should be elated, but I couldn't find a smidgen of joy. There were no rays of sunshine in my veins. No excitement when I got a swag package of clothes in the mail from the school. Not after how depressed and alone I'd been lately.
I'd gone through spurts of depression in the past, but I'd never felt depression quite like this since I've been back. It made me think I'd never truly experienced what depression was until now.
My ache for Kova increased with each moon. It was worse in the middle of the night. I missed him so much and longed to hear his voice. Tears fell at any given moment. I was alone, missing my other half.
There was no more Kova and Ria.
I wondered if his heart hurt the way mine did.
If I was on his mind the way he was on mine.
If he felt my loss the way I felt his.
I wondered if he'd picked up his phone to call me like I had him numerous times only to not go through with it.
Kova had been on my mind more so this week than the last two, and I think that was because my time here was coming to an end. He had known about my commitment to Oklahoma before anyone else had, but he didn't know that I hadn’t left yet.
It was strange. I hadn't felt the need to tell him I was actually here. We’d both made a decision that night in his hotel room. Being home and looking back on that night, writing and reading my journal, it killed me to accept that our minds were set and we weren't budging.
I don't think it would've mattered if he knew I was here or not. Kova wanted time, but I didn't have it to give.
Seven days from now I would be in another state living on my own again. I was both anxious and nervous about that and thought Dad would initially be against me moving so soon, but he was actually relieved. He figured the further away I was from Kova, the better.
I turned off all the lights then locked up my condo, finally leaving for my very much delayed appointment. I made my way downstairs and stepped outside. Dad was already waiting for me with Sophia. Pulling my jacket tighter, I opened the door of his sleek Mercedes and slid into the back seat.
Within the hour of arriving, I had vials of blood drawn, ultrasounds completed on various parts of my torso, and numbers were input into the computer to track my overall health. We were sitting across from Dr. Kozol ready to go over my new treatment plan. It was like any other appointment I'd had with him in the past, only it wasn't. Dad and Sophia were here, and something about that made this appointment feel so much more final.
"Congratulations, Adrianna," Dr. Kozol said, taking me away from my thoughts. "The whole office was cheering you on. We're so proud of you, even though you defied doctor’s orders."
I chuckled and dipped my chin to hide my blush. I was honest and told him I'd taken lots of Motrin while I was away. He continued, "We had every television on in here, holding our breaths. You had quite a few people in tears watching you accept the gold medal. I must say, for someone who is as ill as you, you're a true fighter and a sight to watch. You made it look so easy, like nothing held you down. I'd never guess you're as sick as you are."
"I've been sleeping since we got back. Believe me, it came with a price, but it was so worth it."
He angled his head, giving me a knowing look. "I bet. Your exam tells me you had a pretty bad flare up. Luckily it happened after you got back."
Dr. Kozol asked me a handful of questions, then went on to address that he’d found a doctor in Oklahoma he felt was capable of handling my case. He told us how he’d spoken in depth with him multiple times and what his plan of attack would be. It was similar to my current one before I’d decided to move. Though he was confident, he also suggested we get a few opinions of our own, just to be safe.
I listened to Dr. Kozol tell Dad step by step of what to expect within the next few months. I'd read about this phase online so many times I was having nightmares about it and it hadn't even started yet.
"Expect dialysis three to four times a week, lasting anywhere from three to five hours each time." Dr. Kozol stacked some papers together. He pulled a pen from his coat pocket then began writing something down. He looked up at me when he was finished. "During that time or after you leave, your body will cramp from the fluid being pulled from your body during dialysis. That's the stuff your kidneys couldn't process any longer. Most patients complain of leg cramps, though some say their entire body aches. Everyo
