AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I clench my eyes shut. Today is just not my day.
"Thank you," I say quietly.
"I understand there will be a small service held here a few days from now. You can come in whenever you like to spend time alone with her. Otherwise, please come in a few moments early to discuss the final payment. If there is anything you require, let us know so we can accommodate you during your time of need."
I nod, more to myself than anything, and tell him I'll be there an hour early and hang up. I wasn't going to hold a funeral, but Grammy had friends who would want to say goodbye, so I opted for a small celebration of life.
Exhaling
a heavy breath, I place my cell phone on the table and spot the envelope hanging out of my bag. I blink, debating whether I want to open it. One of the cats rubs up against me, its tail wrapping around my leg. I glance down as it looks up at me. I swear it's telling me to rip the Band-Aid off and just open the damn letter already.
Taking a seat on the plastic-covered chair, I pour another glass of the licorice-tasting alcohol, then run my finger under the seal. My stomach is a knotted mess of nerves as I pull out the letter and flip back the folds.
I reread the letter multiple times until the words are blurry and there are teardrops on the paper smearing the ink. I place it on the table and drop my head into my hands. I'm nauseous and I can't seem to catch my breath, like I'm going to have a panic attack and vomit at the same time. Her will is enclosed, and so is the original diagnosis.
Grammy had cancer much longer than I was aware. She said she knew I had a lot on my plate and didn't want to add more to it, so she kept it a secret. She felt it was the right thing to do. Apparently when she found out about the cancer it had already spread to multiple parts of her body, but she wasn't going to treat it because the survival rate was still too low. Grammy said she hopes I'm not upset with her and hopes one day I can forgive her for keeping the illness from me. She said she's going to miss me so much, that I was the greatest thing to happen to her, but that she's happy she can be with my parents again, and how all three of them will be looking down watching over me.
Oh, and she wants me to watch over her babies. Like she even has to ask that.
I'm both upset and so angry that I stand and throw everything off the table in a rage. The cats scamper away in a panic. I scream, letting it all out. If I had known any of this, I would've done what I could to help her. I would've spent more time with her. I would've talked to her more, tried to be around to help more. Hunted down the best doctors. Anything. Now the guilt is eating away at me and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I thought she looked sick, I thought something was wrong with her, but I didn't push the issue because she’d insisted she was fine.
I'm crying and crying, hugging the cats and sneezing, when I hear a ding come from my cell phone. I get on my knees and scrummage for it, looking underneath everything I’d tossed to the floor to find it. I'm a little drunk, but need more to drink. I don't want to feel anything more for the rest of the night.
Locating my phone, my heart sinks when I see Natalie’s name on my screen.
I swallow hard and swipe a shaky finger to open her message.
Nat: Hey.
Hey. Three letters that have the power to make me want to respond. Three little letters that have the power to make me feel all sorts of ways. Three stupid letters that make me miss my best friend so damn much.
But I don't respond. I know if I do, I'll just end up opening up to her and crying even more. She won't want to hear it, though, because she hates me. And since I know how mad she is, I'm sure she's wondering when I'm going to move my stuff out.
Instead, I just close my phone and attempt to clean up the mess I made. An hour or so later, after everything is locked up, I climb into Grammy's bed with her cats and cry myself to sleep.
Sixty
The celebration of life felt a lot longer than the two hours it was. The smiles and stories I heard about Grammy made me happy but also filled me with a deep sadness unlike anything I've ever felt. She didn't have a lot of friends by any means, but she had so much love surrounding her I wasn't aware of. For that, I can find a little reprieve.
I've been sitting alone for about an hour now in the front of the room staring at the best urn the funeral home had and a picture of Grammy. I take a tissue out of my purse and wipe my tears away, then crumble the tissue in my hand. My jaw quivers a little. I'm not ready to leave. When I step outside those wooden doors it'll feel like I'm leaving her behind. I'm not ready for that. The thought makes me sick to my stomach, so I stay longer. Another round of fresh tears slip from my eyes. Just as I'm patting them away, I hear the door open behind me. I'm sure the director is here to tell me it's time to go.
Only it's not the director. It's Natalie. And a whole slew of fresh tears fill my eyes when she takes a seat right next to me and holds my hand in hers. She doesn't say anything and neither do I. She just sits with me and allows me to silently cry.
"I thought it was strange that I didn't see Grammy at the graduation," she finally says, her voice quiet. I can tell she's crying.
"She died a little over a week before graduation."
Natalie tightens her hand in mine. "You should've told me."
I flatten my lips. I don’t say anything. It's hard to find words when I'm struggling inside with all the wrong turns I've made and the people I've let down. I couldn't call her and tell her, not after everything that's happened.
"I'm not okay," she continues, and my heart breaks a little further. "We're not okay. We're not friends, but I loved Grammy too. I wanted to be here for both of you."
I nod over and over. I won't argue with that.
"Thank you."
I take out another tissue and hand her one, then I take one for myself. We wipe our tears and sit quietly for a little while until the director does come in and tell me it's time to close up. He informs me I can make arrangements to come back and pick up the flowers and photo tomorrow if I like. Since it's already so late, I agree to do that, thank him, then take the urn and walk outside with Natalie.
