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I swallow the lump in my throat as the horrible taste of guilt rises from my stomach. I look her in the eyes. “I never slept with another man, Margaret. I lied so that Joshua wouldn’t throw his life away on me. I knew he would never let me leave him unless I told him that and it has haunted me ever since. To this day, I have never had sex with another man.”
She goes silent and sits back in her chair in shock. “What, never?” I shake my head. Her face drops.
“I know this sounds strange to you, but Joshua and I are truly in love and you have made us miserable with your venom. Joshua should never have to choose between us Margaret. It is just not fair to put him in that position. I would never do that to him but you seem to do it easily.”
She drops her head. “I know.”
“And then you come to me after I let my father die telling me that we are not even related, when you have hated me for all these years. How do you expect me to react?”
She tears up as she looks at me. “Natasha … I’m so sorry. I felt you were dangerous to Joshua. His love for you is all consuming and I know that in all honesty if you left him again it would break him … and I was right. He took a cocaine overdose. But in the end when I saw him so miserable I couldn’t do it to him any longer. I had to tell you the truth.”
I sit back in my chair. “Tell me, are you going to tell your son the truth about his paternity?” I ask as I raise an eyebrow in contempt.
Her face drops. “Natasha, please don’t judge me. After I had Scott,” she looks around the café to make sure nobody is listening, “Robert was working all the time and lost interest in me sexually. I was only twenty-two years old. He was away three weeks out of four and I was pretty sure he was having an affair. I was miserable.” The waitress arrives with our coffee. Margaret stops talking immediately. “Thank you,” she smiles. “We had a friend that used to come to the house regularly to check on me and Scott, at Robert’s request. He was my only friend at the t
ime and I came to depend on him. His marriage had temporarily broken up and we leaned on each other for support. We talked a lot, and often he would come over and then stay for dinner. We were both very lonely. One night after a few wines he told me that he used to fantasise about me … sexually… when he was alone in bed.” My eyes widen as I imagine the situation she is setting for me. “I was totally shocked and asked him to leave immediately. But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It haunted me, Natasha. I was in my sexual prime and I was married to a man who saw me as a mother to his child and nothing more. It was a very difficult time for me.”
“I can’t imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like that,” I whisper. She smiles. “You will never have to worry about that. The chemistry you have with Joshua runs too deep.” I give her a thankful smile, she didn’t have to say that. “Anyway, I thought about it for two whole months and in the end I was fantasising about him in my bed as well. I wanted to feel wanted, I wanted to feel desired. Robert went away for four months and as usual our friend would call daily to check on me. The sexual tension between us became unbearable and one night he kissed me on the lips goodnight. I got nervous and asked him to leave, but he didn’t. He stayed out in his car for four hours while I paced inside, distraught at what I was about to do. When he knocked again at two in the morning I didn’t have any resistance left. I broke Natasha, I gave into temptation. We made passionate love every day and night for a month. I fell totally in love with him and when Robert was due home in a few weeks I told this man of my intentions to leave Robert so we could be together.” I sit back in shock, this is not the story I expected. “He told me to not be a fool and that he was going back to his wife.” She tears up at the memory. My stomach drops and I actually feel … pity for her. “He told me that we could never be together and that he would not choose me over his friend and that if I told Robert he would make my life misery. I was heartbroken—how could I have been so stupid. I threw away my marriage vows on a man who was using me for sex.” She wipes her tears with a tissue and takes a sip of her coffee. “When Robert got back he was different. The man I married was back and he admitted that he had in fact had an affair and wanted us to start again. To try and be a family unit for Scott’s sake. How could I say no when I had been just as deceitful. I jumped at the chance to stay with the man who I had previously been deeply in love with.” She wipes her eyes again with her tissue. “Anyway to cut a long story short I found out two months later that I was pregnant but I didn’t think the child could be through the affair as we had always used condoms. And, besides, Robert and I had fallen back in love and a child was a blessing. My beautiful Joshua was a gift. He brought me so much happiness and I thanked god every day that I had been given a second chance at happiness.”
Empathy wins and I smile and grab her hand over the table. “Margaret, I know how it feels to give into temptation. I fell in love with my first cousin remember. Every night we would fight our conscience to be together. It was dreadful.”
She nods and smiles as if understanding. “When Joshua was sixteen he fell off a horse and lost a lot of blood.” I frown as the next part of the story unfolds. “Anyway his father was away at the time overseas and Joshua ended up needing a blood transfusion. When the doctors tested his blood type it came back that he had a very rare blood type and that it was not genetically possible that he could be a full sibling to his brothers. I have never been so crushed. Joshua was the son of another man. How could I have done this to Joshua and his beloved father?” My eyes cloud over now as I realise this was a terrible mistake. I actually feel sorry for her. “To make matters worse I had to go to this man who is still a friend of Robert’s and tell him the truth so he could donate the lifesaving blood Joshua needed. He was mortified and if the truth came out he would lose everything, his wife, his kids, and his best friend. He has threatened me with violence if I ever told anybody.”
I frown. “Margaret, is this man dangerous?” I whisper.
She nods. “Unfortunately yes, and unstable.” She wipes her eyes again with her tissue. “It was he who brought it to my attention that the only way this secret would come out is if you and Joshua stayed together and had genetic testing … for pregnancy and things.” My eyes widen as I understand. She sobs out loud.
“I knew I had to keep you apart … at all costs.” I nod as I grab her hand and she squeezes it.
“Natasha, will you keep my secret … please. No good can come of this getting out. Joshua will be devastated, Robert will be devastated. This man will lose everything and take vengeance on me. Robert will probably leave me and Joshua will not be a Stanton.” I frown as my tears threaten again.
“Margaret, you are asking me to lie to the man I love. I can’t do that,”I whisper.
She shakes her head. “No, not lie … just not mention it and then if it comes to him having to know, I will tell him and I will pretend that you didn’t know anything about it … I swear I will never implicate you in any of this mess.”
I rub my hands through my hair. “Margaret, I wish you hadn’t told me,” I whisper angrily.
She nods. “I know but I had to, you were both so devastated. I have never seen a love like yours Natasha. You really are soulmates … I believe that … you believe that … Joshua knows that. How could I keep it from you? Keep you from each other when I knew the truth.”
I frown as I drain my coffee cup. I put my head into my hands on the table. “This is fucked up Margaret, and I’m a psychologist … I deal with fucked up well.”
She smiles and grabs my hand. “I know dear. I’m sorry to put you in this situation but what choice do I honestly have? If you can think of another way out of this where Joshua doesn’t get hurt please let me know. I’ll be all for it.” I sit in silence for ten minutes quietly drinking my second coffee as I wrack my brain for another avenue to follow. I’ve got nothing. I nod as I blow out a heavy breath in resignation. She’s right … there is no way out of it. I have no choice but to lie. Joshua deserves better.
Chapter 4
At five-thirty I return to Joshua’s room to find it empty. His belongings, my fold-up bed, everything … gone.
Max and I are puzzled until a nurse approaches us. “Are you Natasha Stanton?” she asks.
I smile proudly. “Yes.”
“Your husband has been moved upstairs to the private wing and asked me to let you know where he is.”
“Oh ok, thank you,” I reply.
“Take the lift up to level seven and then you will see a large set of grey doors with a security code on your right. Push the buzzer and you will be buzzed in,” she answers.
I smile again. “Ok thanks.” We ride the lift in silence. My mind is heavily weighed down by Margaret’s story. I can’t believe I actually feel sorry for her. Can you imagine what it must be like to hold a secret like that in for twenty-seven … actually, no, she said she found out when he was sixteen, so eleven years. And it is such a bad secret … my poor baby, he has no idea. God, this is such a mess. Have I done the right thing agreeing to keep this quiet? What if he finds out later that I knew all along and then leaves me for deceiving him? It’s entirely possible. I’m just as bad as his mother … but what choice do we have? It’s him we are protecting. What a fucking nightmare. We arrive at the security doors and a janitor is cleaning the foyer near the double doors.
