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Helen touched my hand. “Are you okay dear? You’ve been awfully quiet.”
I smiled. “I’m a bit tired.”
“Do you want to go up?”
I shook my head. “No, I’ll stay for a while.”
She was quiet for a moment. “Amy told me about your parents,” she said softly. “I’m sorry. It must have been hard for you.”
It had been, but I’d survived. “It’s okay,” I replied, giving her a small smile. “It was a long time ago.”
She patted my hand again then stood. “I am tired,” she said. “You kids have fun. These days I need my beauty sleep.”
“That’s my cue,” Grant announced, rising to his feet as well.
Amy and Colin also went inside after a while, leaving just me and Jason. I lingered in my chair, waiting, though not exactly sure what I was w
aiting for. He showed no inclination to speak to me. His gaze was far away across the lake, and every now and then he would slosh the wine in his glass and take a sip.
I want us to see each other for real.
I closed my eyes, wondering how different things might have been if I’d been willing to go along with what he wanted.
“More wine?” Jason’s voice jolted me out of my thoughts.
“Yes, thank you.” I held out my glass, and he poured me some of the wine then turned the rest into his glass. He downed it before starting to gather the bottle and the glasses together. It was as if I wasn’t even there. Was he just going to leave? I didn’t know for sure what I wanted, but I didn’t want the night to end without us having a conversation at least.
“Helen told me about your mother,” I started.
He stopped moving, and his eyes rose to mine. “Helen is my mother.”
“Of course.” I searched for words. “I wasn’t aware that your biological mother left.”
He chuckled. “Well, Daphne, it’s not the sort of thing I generally tell people I’m just having sex with.”
I drew in a short breath. “Look, I’m sorry for the way I spoke that night. Obviously, I was wrong, and you do know what it feels like to lose someone.”
“Hold on.” He gave me a puzzled look. “You’re sorry for the things you said because you found out a woman I barely remember abandoned me when I was four years old? Come the fuck on.”
He stood and went inside the house, taking the glassware with him. Well, that was that. My attempt at an apology had gone nowhere, and maybe it was for the best. What was the point of having a conversation with him anyway? If his pride was still hurt because I’d rejected the idea of dating him, there was nothing I could do about that.
I wasn’t going to change my mind and submit to any kind of commitment with him. I wasn’t even sure we could hook up again, because I wasn’t confident I could stay emotionally detached from him if we did.
And I couldn’t be emotionally attached—not to him, not to anyone, at least not yet. I hadn’t worked up to that part of my recovery yet. Jason had derailed me, and while he’d been right when he’d dismissed my self-imposed celibacy as just another wall I put around myself, I wasn’t ready to bring down all the walls yet.
So, I couldn’t be with him the way he’d wanted, and I couldn’t fuck him either, because I would likely grow to want him far more than I should.
I might as well go back to being celibate, I thought with a sigh, because somehow, he’d made it impossible for me to want anyone else.
The lake rippled, and the movement was illuminated by the moonlight. Insects made their night sounds, and somewhere not too far away, a bird was singing. It was the sort of beautiful night where no one should have been alone, but there I was.
The door to the house opened and closed, and Jason joined me again. He’d rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, and now his arms were bare to the elbows. He sat and stretched his long legs out in front of him then closed his eyes.
I ogled him, gazing at his body and fighting the temptation to go over to him. I drew my legs up and turned back to the lake.
“It’s a beautiful night,” I said softly when the silence had stretched for far too long.
“It needs some music,” he said, chuckling dryly. “Or maybe poetry.”
