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We kiss, her fingers tracing the symbol on my bracelet, and I love being wrapped around her to the point where I don’t know my limbs from hers.
How am I ever going to leave her for school?
“Don’t sneak out before I wake up, okay?” she tells me. “We’ll go to school together.”
I hesitate, knowing her mother knows me. She’s on the school board. She would be aware of me since they voted on renovating the showers, because of me.
But Clay doesn’t want me to sneak out like I’d planned. “Promise?”
I touch her face again. “I’m not going to leave.”
“GOD, I NEED a shower,” Liv whispers, trying to slip a pair of my black leggings on as she hops on one foot.
I pull my sports bra over my head, tucking my breasts inside. “I know.” I lean down and give her a peck on the lips. “I’d like to do that with you right now, actually, but we’re just going to get sweaty again in class.”
It’s another morning workout today, and we’re going to be late if we don’t jam. I slip a rubber band around my wrist, grab my duffel, and shove a clean uniform inside, tossing Liv a skirt and a Polo, as well.
“Thanks.”
She doesn’t have time to run home before school, especially since we woke up late and then proceeded to just stay in bed even longer, not wanting to leave. After my father had left last night, I just buried my face in her neck, lying awake for a long time before I was able to fall asleep again.
And I love that she just held me tighter, despite my embarrassment.
Nuzzling into me, stroking my back, and kissing my hair… After a while, the shame dissipated, and all I felt was safe.
“I’m just going to make sure…” I gesture toward the door, but she just nods, pulling on one of my sports bras before I find the words.
I step into the hallway, closing the door behind me, and pad in my bare feet down the hall to see if my mom is up.
Was my father telling the truth last night? Are they just holding it together until I leave for college?
And the pregnancy… It was my dad’s baby, after all. How in the hell could she do that? Is she trying to destroy what little we have left?
I sweep my hair back into a ponytail, but as I pass the gym, my mom calls my name.
“Clay,” she says. “Come here.”
I look inside, seeing her press buttons on the treadmill and come to a stop.
I remain at the door.
“Come here,” she says again.
I shift on my feet, seeing the red rings around her eyes, telling me that she probably cried more than slept last night.
“Just cut me a break, will you?” she says, stepping off the machine. “Come here for a minute?”
She doesn’t snap. She just sounds…tired. I glance down the hall, Liv’s waiting for me, but I walk into the room.
She sits down on an exercise ball, breathing hard. “I’m sorry about last night,” she tells me. “I know we were loud, and I’m sorry. I just….” She stops, thinking. “I’m just sorry.”
Water bottles sit on the glass table next to me, along with some towels and a prescription bottle.
“I’m almost happy you’re going off to North Carolina soon,” she says. “Your dad and I will fix this. I promise.”
She can’t promise that. She’s saying that so I’ll concentrate on my senior year and being young and all that.
I look over at her, seeing the sixteen-year-old from the picture at Mimi’s house yesterday. She had no idea then that this was where she’d end up. She thought she knew everything, probably.
North Carolina is hundreds of miles from where Liv will be. Hundreds.
“Maybe you should go away,” I tell her, my voice soft. “Take Dad and just get away for a while.”
We lost Henry, but for some reason, I don’t want to lose everything else. Even if it’s broken, it’s all I know.
“You should leave and take him,” I whisper. “Get out of this town, somewhere where you both can see something new, away from distractions.”
Her head falls, and I see a tear spill.
“I abandoned him,” she finally says, shocking me. “He’s right. I couldn’t think about anything else other than my pain, and I couldn’t muster a care for my daughter or my husband.”
I listen, having wanted to see her façade crack for so long, but I’m not sure I like it now that it is.
“He’s going to leave me, Clay,” she says matter-of-factly. “And part of me understands why. And the other part can’t forgive him.” She looks up at me. “How could he think about anything else? How could he want a woman when our son is underground?”
Because it’s not about the sex.
Liv feels good to me. Everything feels good with her, and I crave her every moment, but it’s not about the sex. It’s about everything that comes with it. Talking to her. Touching her. Her scent and the promise of more. The feel of how she loves my body, and how being with her and doing things that make her breathless reminds me that I feel just a little bit lonely with everyone else in my life, except her.
