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But I wasn’t there yet. The moment I hit my car, the tears began to flow. I gripped the steering wheel, and I didn’t even try to keep from allowing my heart to shatter. There were a million reasons why my heart was breaking, a million reasons why I was falling apart, but the main reason was because of Reese.
My beautiful star who deserved so much more than I’d been able to give her. She deserved the world, and I was giving her crumbs.
I didn’t know how I’d do this. I didn’t know how I’d be able to provide for her. All I knew was I couldn’t put her in a position where she didn’t have a place to lay her head. I couldn’t put her life in jeopardy because of my failings. There was nothing more important in this world than my daughter.
When it rains, it pours.
About a year ago, I heard those words from a homeless person who was standing outside a grocery store, panhandling. It didn’t rain much in Los Angeles, but that afternoon it was a downpour, making it hard to even drive through the streets.
The woman stood in the rain with a jacket covering her head, and she was swaying back and forth, chilled to her bones and holding up a sign for some help. Reese seemed completely unaware of that woman’s struggles; her only mission in life was to jump in every puddle she crossed.
When I looked at the woman, my chest felt tight. Sure, things weren’t perfect for Reese and me, but our struggles could’ve been worse. I reached into my purse and pulled out the few dollar bills that I had and handed them her way, along with my umbrella.
“Oh no, you keep the umbrella,” she ordered, as she thanked me for the money. “I don’t need it.”
“It’s coming down pretty hard. My daughter and I can just rush to our car to get dry. You need it more.”
“When it rains, it pours,” she sang, looking up at the sky as her face became drenched, yet still, she was smiling. The biggest smile on her face. “But the rain always stops, and the sun comes out again. Thank you for your kindness. May God bless you.”
I was certain that interaction didn’t resonate with the woman as much as it had with me, but her thoughts got me through some of my hardest times. Especially the ones I was currently partaking in.
When it rains, it pours, but the rain always stops, and the sun comes out again.
Funny how strangers could affect a person without even knowing it.
I was having a terrible day, going through my own deluge, and I couldn’t even fully process it because, before I could be fully human, I first had to be a mom.
As I picked up Reese from camp, I was determined to show some of my best acting skills in front of her. Inside my soul, I was cracking due to the storm; outside I smiled like the sun.
“How was camp, sweet pea?” I asked after climbing back into the driver’s seat of my car as Reese hummed some song she’d learned that day.
“It was good! We are making the biggest, biggest, biggest piñata ever, and Ms. Kate said we get to break it on the last day of camp! Mama, it’s the size of the moon!” She gleamed, making me laugh. Even on the worst days, that little girl could make me smile.
“Wow! That must be really big.”
“It is. It’s the biggest thing ever. Plus! They are putting candy in it, and we all got to pick a candy we wanted in it, because Ms. Kate and Ms. Rachel said that all of our opinions mattered and I picked Skittles, because they are my favorite candy, and my best friend Mia said ‘Eww’ because she thinks Skittles are gross, and my other best friend Randy said I picked a bad one, so I changed it to Blow Pops.” She said it so nonchalantly, as if those two other kids weren’t freaking bullies.
It didn’t go unnoticed by me that Mia and Randy were the same two kids who had Reese questioning if we were poor.
Tomorrow, I’d be having a very stern conversation with the camp instructors to make sure that they were truly watching over my daughter to keep her from being bullied by those two.
“Reese, you know better than changing your mind because of what someone else says. You love Skittles. Don’t let these kids make you think you don’t like what you like.”
I glanced back at her to witness her shrugging her shoulders. “It’s just because Mia and Randy are cooler than me, that’s all.”
“Reese Marie, don’t ever say something like that again, okay? You are the coolest person in this world, and don’t let anyone make you think differently.”
