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“Kick me off?” I said. “He wasn’t going to kick me off. He wouldn’t leave me alone, actually. He was furious with Colin, and he told him off, and then Red wouldn’t stop hugging me.”
“Hugging you,” Katie said, her voice pointed.
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Bullshit.”
“It doesn’t,” I protested. “He wanted me to back off. Trust me.”
“The Liam I know would never back off,” Katie said.
“Of course I would,” I said.
“No,” she said, her voice strong. “You’re one of the most confident people I’ve ever known.”
“That is… so false.”
“It’s true,” she said. “You don’t know it, but you’ve been confident this entire fucking time, Liam. You left a family that wasn’t serving you. You started an incredibly successful career. And now, you had the confidence to leave it all behind and start fresh when you knew you needed to. You’re incredible.”
I swallowed. “Jesus, Katie, I’ve already cried enough tonight.”
“I’m just saying. Don’t back down. Don’t run away.”
“But I’ve been running away from things my whole life,” I said.
“You haven’t been running away. You’ve been running towards,” she corrected. “I don’t know Red like you do, but everything I’ve heard… he doesn’t seem like somebody who would be afraid to tell you off. If he didn’t tell you off, there’s something else.”
“Don’t get my hopes up,” I said. “It’s just going to kill me all over again.”
She sighed. “At this point, you have nothing to lose, Liam.”
She was right. It didn’t matter how uneasy I felt, how sure I was that Red probably wanted nothing to do with me.
I had nothing to lose. If rock bottom existed, I had already hit it, over and over again.
And for the first time, I didn’t want a cheap thrill. I didn’t want chaos or chemical joy. I wanted something everyday, something real, something simple.
I let out a long breath. “I guess I should… try,” I said.
“So what the hell are you doing on the phone with me for?” she asked, incredulous.
“Oh, no reason, other than being completely fucking scared out of my mind,” I said.
Katie paused for a while. “You need to have trust, Liam,” she finally said. “That’s always the hardest thing, isn’t it?”
“It’s the hardest fucking thing.”
She hummed. “All I know is that it’s been ten years and you and Red both still can’t keep away from one another.”
“I’ll never be able to,” I said.
“Something tells me he won’t be able to, either,” Katie said.
“I just wish so badly I believed that,” I said. “Fully. Without a doubt.”
“Well, I do, even if you don’t. Life doesn’t exist without doubt. I know you can’t give up now.”
In another minute we had hung up, and my body felt like it was running on some electrical current, like I was hooked up to a battery that could explode at any time. It felt like potential—but potential that could be as dangerous as it could be amazing.
I started driving, on autopilot again, but this time toward the Copper General. The store would only be open a little longer, and I arrived as the workers were already sweeping the floors. But there was something I had to get. A whole lot of something. I was still buzzing as I walked inside, the way I used to buzz before a party.
Everything was so different, but I was starting to love the way different felt.
After loading up my car with my spoils, I drove back home the long way, taking every winding road I could back to my house. A unique feeling of freedom welled up in me as I drove back—a sense of freedom I’d never felt before.
I felt free because for the first time in so long, I didn’t feel controlled by anything other than myself. It felt vast and scary but also incredible, like I was a young bird finally learning how to fly on my own.
I rolled down all the windows in my car and stuck one hand out into the air, letting it rush underneath my skin. It was dark outside, and I was as unsure of the future as I’d ever been.
But I knew Katie was right. I had to let go. Let go of any expectations I had and take a plunge like I’d never done before.
I had no alternative anymore.
I saw the truck on my driveway before I even saw Red.
Finally, the adrenaline rush that had been building inside me all night coalesced into a singular sensation. Something so light inside me I almost felt like I could float into the fucking sky.
He was here. Red was here, sitting on the front steps leading up to my door.
I looked back at the back seat of my car, glancing at the ten young Gallica rose plants I’d just bought.
My plan was going to have to be different now. But it was still going to happen. I reached back, grabbing one of the pots.
