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“I know you do,” I admitted.
“The thought of having a child with Marnie ended a marriage. But with you …” He shook his head, glanced at the ground. “This doesn’t scare me. Not with you here with me.”
“Bas, that’s easy to say now. You weren’t there through sleepless nights, teething or croup or colic. She’s a little person now. It’s easy to imagine being her parent because she’s smiling and bossing you around and giving you earthworm genealogy.”
“No, it’s not that.” He sighed and dragged his hand through his hair, leaving ruts in the dense locks. “I didn’t know that loving Cilla could overpower my fear. But when it came to Marnie … I guess it all comes down to trust. It was impossible not to imagine even if I’d never do it. I knew without a doubt that if we did have a child, Marnie and I would never agree on how to raise them—we couldn’t agree on anything. And then there was the fear that if things went bad, she’d use a child as leverage. But I want to believe that you’ve done what I would have done. That we would have worked together in a way Marnie and I never have.”
I didn’t respond right away, instead taking a moment to move to the table where the vessels we’d prepared for this batch waited. As I poured through the openings of the wick holders, I said, “You can’t know that, not for sure. She never got that chance. And neither did we.” And then I changed the subject. Laterally, at least. “What happened today?”
“It was as bad as I expected. She’s hurt and angry. I don’t blame her.”
“Me neither,” I said quietly, sadly.
“I did her wrong,” he admitted. “I knew deep down it wouldn’t work out. I knew she didn’t really understand that I meant what I said about having kids. But I married her anyway and hurt her worse than I ever would have otherwise. And now, this. It’s the twist of a knife.”
“Why did you? Marry her.”
He didn’t even have to think—he must have done enough of that on his own. “Because my mother was dying, and Marnie was the only solid thing in my entire life. She was the buoy we hung onto through the hurricane. I love her—I always have in my way. I think part of me believed we’d grown up, grown out of the shit we did to each other when we were in high school. But we didn’t. I don’t think I knew you could love someone you were incompatible with. Or maybe I just thought marriage would fix something. Change something. But I was wrong, and she paid the price. It’s not fair. None of it is fair, and I’ll never be able to make it up to her.”
“No. You and I will be the villains of her story. Nothing will change that. I mean, I was always the villain of her story, but you’ve earned your place next to me.”
“But it’s not just breaking up or disagreeing. She doesn’t understand why I’m not … I don’t know. Freaking out. Or mad at you.”
“Why aren’t you?”
“Mad at you?” A pause. “I don’t think I’m capable of being mad at you.”
I laughed. “Because you’ve never been with me for more than a few months at a time. Admit it—you’re a big, smushy mush who’s built me up in your memory just like I’ve done you. As real as this is, it’s not real at all.” He didn’t look convinced. “Trust me. One day you’re gonna be so mad at me, and I’m gonna tell you I told you so.”
Another beat of silence. “I’ll respectfully disagree. You’re one of the most real things to ever happen to me, Presley.”
I couldn’t look at him—I’d fall apart. “So you’re not freaking out either?”
“Oh, I’m freaking out. Just on the inside.”
I chuckled as I poured the last candle.
“When do you want to do her genetic testing?”
The hair on the back of my neck rose—this wasn’t a conversation I’d been looking forward to. “What would you say if I asked you to wait?”
“For how long?”
“Hear me out,” I started, avoiding his eyes by keeping my hands busy with cleanup. “If she has it—if we know she has it—we are going to live every single day afraid of a maybe, a someday. And if she knows she has it, so will she. She’ll never live a normal life.”
“I need to know, Pres,” he said darkly.
“But do you? I mean, do you really? Are you sure it’s not easier for you to hold onto hope?”
“But if she doesn’t have it—”
“But if she does? It will change everything, and not for the better. And not just for you. But for me and our families and everyone who loves her. And most of all, her.”
