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I could give her that life. I could give her anything and everything she wanted.
The Peace Corps seemed so far away, I’d nearly forgotten why I wanted to go in the first place. How could I leave when I had this? When I had a family? When I had a little girl to know and love and help raise? When I had Presley in my bed and on my arm and by my side?
My life had been split in two. Before and after. There was no contest as to which was better.
In the depths of my heart, I’d believed without question that having a child would be nothing but worry. That I’d spend every day, every night living in fear that I’d lose what I loved. I’d nearly lost so much that I loved, purposely taking on another was too much to fathom.
I just hadn’t counted on the joy overriding that fear.
Maybe it was because what was done was done. There wasn’t a choice to make, no question of if. I had a child, and thank God the choice had been taken from me. Otherwise, I never would have understood what it meant to live for someone else.
So I would hope with all I had that my child didn’t have the gene. And if she did, I hoped it’d never hurt her.
I pushed off the post and turned, following the scent of coffee and breakfast into the kitchen of the big house.
Mom stood at the stove, humming along to the radio as she worked over a set of pans.
“Morning,” I said, pulling up next to her to peer into the pan. “Ooh, chilaquiles?”
“Mama wanted some.” She angled her cheek in my direction in a silent request for a kiss.
I obliged.
“Where’s Presley? Is she hungry?”
“She just left for work.”
“Ah.” She sounded disappointed. “Well, more for you, I guess. Did y’all have fun at the river yesterday?”
“It was good. We needed to blow off some steam real bad.”
“Good. And nobody got hurt?”
I made a face. “Just Marnie, I think.”
Mom’s brow rose.
“It’s not easy for her to see me with Pres, that’s all.”
“No, I imagine it’s not.” She shook her head. “I feel for her. I wish things had been different, I do.”
“You wish we’d stayed together?”
“No. I just …” She sighed. “I love that girl, even though I hated you together. I hated watching you hurt each other. And I hate to see her hurt now, just when we thought things were over.”
“So do I. But that’s all I can ever seem to do—hurt her.”
“Then maybe try a little harder not to.”
I made a face. “I’m not going to hide Presley and Priscilla. It sucks for Marnie—I know that. But Mom, this is my kid. And the mother of my kid. What am I supposed to do?”
“Just use your brain, Bastian. And think about how Marnie feels in those situations when you’re in the same place.”
“Trust me, I do. But this town isn’t big enough to avoid each other. I’m lucky I got off her front porch without a black eye or bloody nose. Worse if Mitchell had been home. He mighta chased me off the property with a sawed-off.”
“Or you might still be picking buckshot out of your rear end.”
I chuckled. “I’m gonna pick Cilla up in a little bit and bring her over. I think we might go swimming.”
Mom lit up like a lightbulb. “Oh, good. I just bought enough popsicles to supply the school district, so let her have as many as she wants.”
“I promised Presley I wouldn’t sugar her up.”
“Well, just wear her out in the pool. It all evens out.”
I was quiet for a beat, thinking about the other promise I’d made to Presley. “I don’t think I want to go, Mom.”
Her hand stilled over the pan. She glanced up at me. “You’re going to stay?”
I leaned against the counter and folded my arms, staring at a spot on the floor. “How could I leave? I’ve missed too much already. I don’t want to come back and Cilla be in school already. But Presley’s afraid I’ll regret staying. I’m afraid I’ll regret going. I promised her I’d think about it.”
She didn’t say anything.
I frowned. “What do you think?”
Mom drew a long breath and sighed it out. “I think there’s no answer to the question of what you’ll regret. How can you know what you’ll regret until you’ve made a choice?”
“That’s what I said.”
“But I understand where she’s coming from too. She doesn’t want to be responsible if it doesn’t work out. It’s admirable that she wants you to make the choice on your own. Does she want you to stay?”
“She’s all but said she doesn’t want me to go.”
“That’s admirable too. Someone else might have used it to make you stay.”
Someone else was Marnie, by Mom’s tone.
“Presley would never do that.”
