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“No, she wouldn’t. But there’s one thing you two are going to have to come to grips with. There’s no way of knowing. You’ve got to just jump and pray you land on your feet.”
I thought about that for a moment, staring at that spot on the floor again. “The second I found out about Priscilla, my world shrank to a five-mile radius with her in the middle. Nothing else seems to matter anymore, not like it did before.”
“Well, it sounds like you already know what you want to do.”
“Is she right, though? Am I just … am I caught up in it all? She’s implied that I’m in some sort of fairy tale mode. That how I feel isn’t real.”
“Because she’s been a mother for all this time without you. You are punch drunk. And not just with Priscilla, but with Presley too. You always were when she was in town. She’s been in the trenches, and she knows the reality of being a parent. It’s hard and humbling and will strip you bare. And when it does, you’d better love your partner, because there will be plenty of times you won’t like them very much. It can bring you together, or it can tear you apart.”
“So what’s the trick? What did you and Dad do?”
“We hung onto each other instead of pushing each other away. The whole world could be crumbling in on us, and we’d just hold each other closer. The trick is that you have to grow together. And to do that, you have to be honest. You have to talk to each other, be real with each other. Love the other more than you love yourself. Just like you probably do with Priscilla already.”
My heart jumped at the realization that she was right. “That’s why I don’t want to go, isn’t it?”
She nodded. “And baby, I can’t think of a better reason to stay.”
“Even Presley?”
“Well, I’m gonna side with her on this—you can’t stay for her. Staying for your baby is one thing. But Presley’s not wrong … you can’t make this decision for her, or it’ll hurt your whole little family if things don’t work out.” She set down her wooden spoon and turned to me. “But Bastian, are you ready to stay here, in this town? All you’ve ever wanted was to get out of here, but you’ve never gotten far before something called you back. So if you’re going to stay, you’ve got to find a way to make your life here as meaningful as it was when you left before. You have to find a way to fulfill that part of you that wants to wander without leaving. And that, I think, is the biggest challenge you’ll face.”
I swallowed hard at the sobering truth of her words. So much of leaving was about this town being too small to make a difference. I wanted to change the world. Be a part of something bigger than myself.
And that was something I’d have to reconcile, or Presley could pay the price.
“So did becoming a mom make you and Presley this smart, or are you both just a couple of natural geniuses?”
She laughed and handed me a plate. “A bit of both.”
I kissed her on the temple. “Thanks, Mama.”
“You’re welcome. But that plate’s for your abuela.”
“Not for that.”
Mom gave me a smile. “I know.”
And she did know, and more than I ever could.
“Higher, Daddy!”
“You sure?” I gave her a shove on the swing. “I don’t want you to fly off. Mama might kill me.”
She giggled and kicked her feet. “Higher!”
“Okay. You asked for it.” I gave a grunt for show and pushed hard enough that the chain went slack and then caught, jerking the swing.
And Priscilla squealed with joy. The other parents gave me discerning looks.
But I couldn’t find it in me to care, especially on a day like today.
I walked around to the front of the swings as she lost her momentum, swinging lower and lower.
“I jump!”
“No, no, wait—”
She launched off the swing like a goddamn flying squirrel, shrieking and flailing and almost impossible to catch, but I got her. Though I got clocked in the jaw with her elbow on the way.
My heart beat about a billion miles a minute. “Jesus, Cilla. Next time, wait until I’m ready.”
She laughed like the devil before squishing my face with her fat little hands. “Good job, Daddy.”
“Thanks, bug. What do you wanna do? Slide some more?”
“We can go see Mommy? Mommy’s got pie.”
“I don’t think she’s off work yet, but we can go see her if you want.”
“I want.”
“Then you get.”
I set her down, and she took my hand, which was really just her little fingers hooked in that space between my thumb and index finger. My hand swallowed a third of her arm.
I didn’t know how it was possible to love someone so much without knowing them at all. She was just a child—with a personality big enough to fill a circus tent—not even a fully formed person. But she didn’t have to do a single thing but exist for me to love her enough to take a bullet for her.
