AllFreeNovel
Share Us
My eyes travel to my youngest sister. I wonder what she told Raine about my episode. As if sensing I’m thinking about her, she draws me into a bear hug, and we tumble onto the bed.
“We need to talk about the secrets you hide from us, sister.”
I nod, afraid to disturb the small glimmer of happiness. Besides, you don’t want to mess with my fierce, beautiful sister. She is a force to be reckoned with.
The worry is churning in my chest about the call I arranged with Carl yesterday. With no expectations whatsoever, I still hope he will want them as much as I do. Those two lives already giving me the purpose and focus I’ve been missing.
It’s time to take my life back.
Down the Dark Memory Lane
Monday
I wake up early in the morning, around six, in a quiet, dark room. I rush to begin my daily routine. The air still smells of the ginger cookies me, my sisters, and niece baked yesterday. The lingering scent of the flowers makes me feel elated while I do yoga.
Afterward, I take a hot and relaxing shower, with my mind and body invigorated to start a new day. I dress quickly and put makeup on for work, making my skin glow and feeling fresh. I need a little confidence boost today.
It is time to see where Logan will fit in. I don’t know yet if I want him with us, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough.
I head to the kitchen to make myself a cup of coffee with milk and a small spoonful of agave syrup, along with some oats porridge topped with almond milk and fresh berries Raine brought me yesterday. My protective sisters are overbearing with their attention to my health and well-being.
Loving the quiet morning, I sit and watch the world reluctantly wake up to start their hectic day. I collect my thoughts on the impending conversation with Logan later today. How I’m supposed to break the news?
Not knowing how he’ll react, I smile, pleased as I rub my belly, sending my peanuts tender love through the bond. Eventually, my mind steers me to the convers
ation I had with my sisters earlier.
“Why haven’t you told us about the panic attacks? Or that they are that intense?” Hurt, Aisha accuses me of not confiding in any of them. Raine has tears in her eyes as she feels the evident distance between us.
“I didn’t want anyone to have a say in how I’m supposed to deal with my mental health. Mostly, be tempted to lock me up in the hospital.” The accusation lurks between us.
“We wouldn’t have done it, Sandra,” Raine adamantly tries to convince me, even though I know it was done to me in the past. She forgets I don’t call myself Sandra anymore, and my body tightens at her words.
“Sorry,” she whispers to correct her mistake. They both know perfectly well why I’ve become someone else. Sandra couldn’t survive the agonizing pain.
“I don’t know about that. As I recall, all of you started to pick me apart, piece by piece, and made so-called ‘professional’ prognosis of my mental state.”
A shiver runs down my spine. They’d overruled me and threw me into the crazy house to get my shit together. It helped, though, because here I am, healthy and moving on with my life.
My mum is fifty-four, and a very controlling and bossy woman. Naturally, our clashing personalities always have been very traumatic and poisonous for our relationship. The constant need to take control of every aspect of my life appeared to be her obsession, even back when I was young.
I’ve learned how to hide my insecurities, and grew very reclusive and closed off. I always knew how to distract others with jokes and banter, to keep them from the things I didn’t want them to know.
We will never understand each other’s expectations about how we’re supposed to be as a mother and daughter unit.
The painful grip on my lungs reminds me of the helpless terror from the past. The terrible betrayal is squeezing my chest with phantom fingers. The tears are streaming down my face, as I recall the sensation of helplessness.
“We are here for you, Cassandra,” Aisha and Raine said yesterday, trying to gain my trust.
Although they’ve seemed sincere, I still can’t fully trust them. Out of preservation, I’ve kept it to myself. I will never again allow them to trap me like an animal.
Once, I made an ultimatum. “If you want to be in my life, you have to stop treating me like I have few screws missing.”
I developed a strong instinct hide the extent of my issues. What’s done is done. They pulled it together later when I asked them to keep my parents off my back.
An incoming message from Raine brings me back from the past.
R: Are you up? How’s your sickness?
