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“Calm yourself down, Logan.” Dad’s hand lands on my shoulder, guiding me back to the chair.
“I think Leif is far from the person who doesn’t see her worth, Logan. Contrary to your opinion, he loves that feisty woman you worship.” Something warm burns in my chest, as I realize they are on my side.
Our amused chuckles are followed by Dad’s toast. “I’ve been waiting for this day to come for over thirty years, you three idiots.”
~Cassandra~
If you remember the story of a girl called Alice, you understand it is how I feel now. I have fallen into the dark abyss. Instead of a fantasy, there is a nightmare, with dark things hidden inside my head.
I hear Leon’s unhappy wails. My heart seems to slow down at every whimper and sound he makes, but I can’t find the will to face them both today. Hot tears run down my nose onto the bedsheets. No one responds, so I raise my sluggish body and go to soothe my distressed boy.
“Shhh, Leon, do not cry… Mummy is here.” I try to calm us both as I hold him protectively, breathing him in. You deserve so much better than a mother like me.
Cautiously, I sit with him on the carpet. Leon flails his arms, trying to get what he wants. I play with him while his sister still sleeps. What will
happen after I leave them?
The guilt and shame are beating me down. My spirit’s torn to pieces. I should not have let this happen. If I am diving deep into this grief and guilt, I must have something to hold onto. Depressing thoughts and memories haunt me, and they drag me down too fast, into the mess and turmoil. I am trying to survive.
How to accept all my faults and learn to live with all the mistakes?
“You are not giving up, are you, son?” No running, no hiding, no surrender.
Watching Leon, something resonates within me. I should try to build myself back. Step by step. Piece by piece. Shard by shard. Lost in this chaos of emotions and memories, I forgot who I am. Cassandra. I am much stronger than this.
I whisper to myself, “Walk the path of redemption, Cassandra,” hoping that something positive is waiting on the other side of this heartache. “Hang in there, push through this agony and shame.”
The fire inside my chest starts to kindle with a new resolve to fight. I don’t want to be alone. It is too painful. Perhaps forgiveness could be earned for this unthinkable betrayal.
Later, the twins babble in baby bouncers as I create photo collages with scrapbooking materials. This is how I’m found an hour later, listening to music with the engrossed children in my therapeutic process.
“What are you three doing?” Raine sits next to me as Aisha’s sparkling eyes show excitement to join me.
“I thought that this might cheer me up.” I look at the twins as they start to flirt and lift their chubby hands, wanting to be picked up. I let Raine and Aisha get in on the crafting. Liane needs to be changed while Leon sucks on his hand, babbling.
“Here you are. What is going on here?” Amused, Logan looks at the mess on the floor, scattered around my handiworks.
“I thought I would do something inspiring. There was too much destruction lately.” I might succeed in regaining the sliver of order I’m missing.
Fascinated, I watch my sisters get their crafting freak on. A pleased Logan kisses my lips and joins the girls on the carpet.
“Do you need help to fight, little warriors… What’s happening here?” Lucas walks in, and the confusion turning into amusement makes his face lose the hard edge.
“Get the toolbox from downstairs,” Logan demands.
I arch my eyebrow at the tone Logan is using with Lucas. I look at Marine, who furrows his eyebrows, and then winks at me, smiling, before he leaves the room. A few minutes later, he returns. “I’ve got your toolbox, what do you want to do with it?”
Lucas brings the tools and an annoying Leif to the chaos-commencing room. “You want to make holes to get rid of ‘rats’ or is this an intentional fashion choice?”
“I don’t think holes will look good in the kids’ room. Shall we try with your room first to see if the design choice is right?” Aisha quips, just to irritate Leif’s creative thinking.
“We could always buy him a few rats and see how he gets on with new friends living in the walls.” Raine is not easing up on him either.
“Aisha, go help Lucas. Raine, show me how to do this, please.” A very engrossed Logan looks like he just found a new hobby.
I softly chuckle. Leon has the broadest smile ever, as if the thought of me finding a special present in his nappy makes him delirious.
“Cassandra, does this look all right to you?” Aisha stands, pondering, as Lucas holds up two big frames, trying to give a little preview before deciding on height.
