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“Yeah, I missed you. Where have you been?” Leif picks me up gently and takes me to my bed, sensing that I am at my limits. He takes off his jacket and leaves to wash his hands and face with cold water, returning only when he is composed enough to talk to me with the fake smile. I lift my hand in protest, and I angrily shake my head at him.
“If you came here to be the fake ass, go away! I am done sitting with people who lie straight to my face. No one is here to be honest with me. Why, Leif? Why so many secrets around me?” I whimper, feeling betrayed by the man who always told me the truth, no matter what.
Leif’s eyes well up with tears, as he envelops my trembling body,
shuddering as he sobs with the torment etched in his bones. I wrap myself around him and let my friend’s pain become mine. For now, I invite him to wail next to my troubled heart.
“Night…” His uncontrollable emotions cascade off him, like a waterfall full of sorrow. I squeeze him, trying to contain our heartbreak with my weak attempts to control the force of his pain.
I know that something is wrong and he’s incapable of telling me the truth. Then he lifts his head, brushing my alien face with his hands and kissing my forehead, tickling my sensitive skin with his long beard.
“Beard needs to go, Leif!” Eww! He pecks my mouth, laughing so hard at my disgust that he falls on the floor before I can grab his hand.
However, as he sits there, I see deep pools of agony, which stirs questions. I am overcome with the unexplainable need to hold him, and raise my arms towards him. Some unreasonable desire to fix whatever the troubles he is going through prompts me to act.
“Come here, Leif.” I demand him to comply, my protectiveness awakening.
He stalls for a moment, hesitant, until he climbs in next to me, lying down in the hospital bed. When the nurse comes in, she doesn’t complain. Instead, she gives me medicine for the pain and leaves again, sadly smiling at us.
“Eventually, you’ll have to tell me,” I whisper to him as he kisses my forehead, my mind drifting to rest.
Before I succumb to sleep, I hear him say, “I will not, for as long as I can. I’ll keep you safe.”
A lone tear escapes my closed eyes, traveling between my breasts, and I remember the weight of something nestled there.
The heartbeat rhythm next to me is not the one I’ve lost. I listen to it, hoping that my friend will help me find the missing pieces. I feel a camaraderie towards this rebel brother, who must help me solve this broken puzzle. My children are waiting for me to become a whole mother. Someone’s voice whispering in the wind tells me to fight and never give up. I try to catch it, but it slips again.
I spend two more weeks at the hospital, where the brain scans confirm that I am at my best, and therapy every day has helped me to move better. Composing my fears under an iron will, I walk to the mirror again to reacquaint myself. The fading bruising shows unfamiliar features. The strange mask of bruises is mocking my feelings.
“You are beautiful, sister.” Raine and Aisha stand behind me with fake excitement, trying to inspire me to accept my new façade.
There was the time when I wore one, hiding myself from the truth, suppressing the cruel, harsh reality. But now, after so many things happened in my life, I am at peace with who I am, or was. This image mocks me again with the vindictive gift I haven’t asked for. Heartless fates are bitches, knocking me down every single time I survive their inflicted damages. I am counting every stitch and wound they have left for me.
I want to be just me. Old, present, and new—all belong to the same warrior I have become. I don’t want to conceal my wounds anymore; my dad didn’t know at the time, that I let go of the pain. The loss that dragged me down is no longer. I don’t remember though, when did I say a final goodbye, since the sorrow is now the treasured memory.
I try to remember who or what healed me, but the turmoil spins like a hurricane, stealing the knowledge from me before I can grasp it. The knock on the door shakes me out of my thoughts as Raine lets Leif in. Since he came back, he doesn’t leave me for long. A moment later, he reaches the private bathroom, holding a leather jacket. The mushy beard is still intact. As he watches me, amused, I try to decipher his facial expression. He is also in disguise.
“You are different,” he says, somewhat politely, as his lips curl into a grin and his eyes shine with mischief, watching my eyebrows crease at his careful remarks.
Wanting to kick him for how he mocks my heart, I clamp my lips together, trying to contain the anger, but feel like I could breathe fire.
“Seriously, Leif, stop messing around, please.” Raine’s worried voice chastises him for being inconsiderate.
All of them wear lighter clothes than before my memory fractured. Leif’s face changes at Raine’s apparent concern, and he tries to apologize, but stops when he notices my even more distressed expression. He never went back to his usual teasing with me, and now he treats me like a fragile flower.
Not to mention, my sisters are incapable of being honest and acting normal around me. My mother has nervous breakdowns in front of me. Apparently, my family is tiptoeing around the issue of my new appearance. It rubs me the wrong way every time—they’re playing me for a fool. I count on Leif’s sharp humor to keep me sane from their demeaning ways to baby me.
Don’t you dare abandon me, Leif! I will the message to reach him through my hurt eyes, and he nods. With quivering lips and tears gathering behind my eyelids, I grab him and Leif draws me into him. The warmth of him is precisely what I need. I try to grasp who he reminds me of. I sniff him like some crazy person, and I don’t care that he vibrates with quiet chuckles as I desperately try to find the truth of the missing memories.
My sister's soothing hand settles between my shoulder blades. When I am pressed against his chest, his heart whispers the truth in my ear and keeps me upright. They are my family, my home, and I love them, and they love me too. So, I hold onto the threads that are woven in my heart, waiting for them to lead me back home.
The memories of the past, like dormant dreams, refuse to come forward and play in front of my eyes in an attempt to wake my feelings. It’s ok, I will find a way back.
Leif disappears before I can drill him for answers, and my sisters tell me that they have to go back to work. Left alone in my hospital room, I settle myself in the bed, still analyzing their strange behavior. Then Lucas knocks on the doorframe, before walking in with soup and tasty bread in his hands. I sit up in bed, hunger churning like a beast in my gut.
“Someone is hungry today, I see!” He smiles with real delight that makes me feel more positive about our conduct.
Lucas has kept himself very distant from me for some unknown reason. The polite, but dismissive, manner in which he has been interacting rubs me the wrong way. I feel walls have been erected so high that to breach them, I would need a tank and to launch a few missiles in order to get through to him.
