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That horrible dread in my throat chokes me. We are going to collide. The beautiful winter wonderland painted on the surface of the red bus mocks us as we spin towards our demise. My shocked eyes look over at Logan, who is desperately trying to handle the car.
Somehow, I know. This is the end of our forever.
I grab his arm, needing to tell him, “I will love you until the end of time,” but words never leave me.
His eyes grow soft and gentle, tears frozen in them for a split second, as his desolate gaze reflects all his feelings. Suddenly, he alters the course of the car and pure terror grips my chest as we finally collide.
We crash, flying forward from the impact. The brutal collision splits me in two—a million knives slice my body in thousand pieces and tear the ligaments apart.
Squashed in the metal grave, we lay, broken and bleeding. I wheeze, unable to draw in air, or speak. To get reprieve from the horror and from pain, I close my eyes. My husband’s hand coils around my numb fingers and holds on for dear life.
I hear his fading voice begging me to survive, every word forced and desperate, calling me back. “Cassandra, don’t leave…please. Live. Our babies…I need you …”
I open my eyes, forcing my lips to stretch in a smile. My vision blurs, then fades. The pain numbs me, and my limbs turn frozen. But I catch his loving expression, digging into my soul, before I leave him alone.
I jolt, startled, finding myself next to his unrecognizable body. My breath catches in my throat. I should have been the one lying here. My husband changed the course of the spinning car on purpose. He saved my life.
Affected by his blind instinct to protect me, I silently weep and kiss his chest through the hospital gown. “I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive you for leaving me. For the stupid move to save me,” I whisper to him, settling my hand over his heart forced to beat against his will.
I decide not to think about it anymore. I let my beloved man keep his dignity and peace. Leif stands from the chair where he was sleeping and comes to help me as I attempt to untangle myself from him.
“Let me.” He gathers me in his gentle hands and carries me back to my room without a single word. I rest my head against his chest, feeling numbness spreading into my limbs, the hollow sorrow still ripping me to pieces with sharp claws, opening me wider. He stops at the station to talk to the nurses, then takes me to the hospital room I escaped from.
I whimper, gasping as a new wave of pain hits me full force. I am bleeding again. I can feel a void so deep it resonates through me, cutting me even deeper, sucking in every piece of will and light into the wide-open abyss.
Someone’s lips brush my forehead, keeping me centered. Leif. Then he wraps me in a shaking embrace and I feel his trembling heart breaking apart. I nestle next to it, not knowing how to make it better.
The morning comes fast, staining the skies with azure and reds, which gradually become oranges and yellows. A soft beard tickles my forehead as the snoring sound gives me comfort, until my family comes into the room a little later and shakes Leif awake. I close my eyes, hiding, biding my time. Comfortable for now, I pretend I am sleeping. He takes them to the coffee bar downstairs for breakfast. I am left alone, and I know Leif is giving me time to come to terms with the reality.
The breeze stirs around my body, announcing his presence as it nestles next to me, and I know that he belongs to me. I shake as tears spill from my eyes. Unable to comprehend his demise, I rest there, with Logan’s ghost warming my numb body, reminding me to live.
“I thought we would be together forever,” I whisper hoarsely to him, as pale lips kiss my head. I hear his whispers, urging me to use his gift. Exhausted, I close my eyes, begging him to stay with me a little bit longer, even if only in my dreams.
As if he heard my last wish, my husband draws me back near the lake, where we play with our kids and kiss under the trees, watching the sunset together. For the last time, I feel his embrace and take in his scent while drinking from his lips.
“Don’t leave us, please,” I whisper to him, memorizing his stunning eyes before he brings me back to the cruel reality. Here, I am on my own again, to battle the struggles. Our children will never know their incredible father.
Somehow, I knew I would ruin this family. The cost of love was too high for us all. He should have left, and lived a long and happy life with someone blessed with a happy future. Instead, he stayed with the person cursed to never know what happily-ever-after is. The pain and guilt are coming for tea, like old friends.
Welcome back, bitches!
This time, I can’t let them overwhelm me. This man gave his life and brought me back to our children. The woven net around my trembling heart will keep me alive. I just wonder what will be left of the person who lost so much.
Would I be capable of loving people as they deserve, and will I find peace as my heart chases all the ghosts from my past?
I’ll learn how to walk and breathe around the spikes lodged in my chest. I will run and live, even if my spirit abandoned me, bewildered by the vicious ache.
Making my decision, I lift myself up and turn around
. I find Lucas standing next to my bed, trembling, and he’s barely able to hold back his own tornado bursting from his chest. His tormented eyes reflect leashed agony and desperation that needs to break free. Otherwise, it will kill him, poison him, and crush him.
“I know,” I tell him, and raise my hands, inviting him to unleash his sorrow and hurt me instead. There’s an undulating need to feel it until it rips me apart, urging me to find the source of my demise.
Slowly, as if in a trance, he wraps his arms around me. Breathing carefully, Lucas shakes, trying to control what is inevitable. I squeeze him, kissing his shoulder, letting my tears come in hot rivulets.
“Let it go,” I encourage him. “It’s okay, I know.”
I hear his strangled sob rip from his chest, but he chokes, containing it. Not for long, though, as his grieving soul bursts from his throat and fills the room with agonizing heartbreak. My chest tightens, and I feel a fissure appear within, bleeding, as cold, ghostly hands grip my chest and squeeze it open.
