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So, I pass her a glass of water to wash it down.
“Ew! That was disgusting.” Her whole body shudders.
Usually, Leon sits at the kitchen island and watches us work and helps only when the messy part is over. Today, he had a fight with his best friend at school and since I came back he hasn’t spoken to me.
“Leon, you want to tell me how your day was?” I holler, hoping he’s done sulking and is ready to talk. But I hear only a grunt, no.
“Do you want to tell me what happened?”
Liane lowers her head and pretends she didn’t even hear me.
For five-year-old kids, they both are way too smart. I guess I’ll have to wait since Liane won’t tell me either. This is what it’s like to have twins.
Sadly, Logan won’t get to see them grow or help them go through things. My chest throbs, remembering how little they were when he died. They hadn’t even started to walk before we lost him. To them, Logan Cade is only a face in the pictures.
“Hey, the water’s boiling. Do you want to put dumplings in?” I ask Leon, who saunters into the kitchen full of inner conflict.
“Mommy?”
I clean my hands with a towel and give him my full attention.
“Did you love my dad?”
I still, confused. “Of course. Why are you asking?”
“My friend”—he pauses, flopping onto the chair—“told me I’m a bastard. He heard his parents talking. They said my dad didn’t love us.”
I blink at him, my throat stinging from anger and disbelief.
Why are people doing this?
“Do you know what that means?”
He shakes his raven head, wringing his hands as he waits for me to explain. Putting the dumplings in boiling water, I set the timer and sit to talk with him. My kids are bright beyond their age, so even an innocent lie would make them mistrust me.
“It refers to the children born to unmarried parents.”
“But you and Dad got married, right?” Liane presses her body to my side, and my arms drape around her.
“Yes, after you were born, we did.” I grab Leon and pull him to me. “You’re very loved and precious to me. Never doubt that, okay? People will say things just to be mean to you. But know this, your dad adored you. He was so happy when you were born.”
I met Logan at the meeting in Liverpool. Logan Cade was a formidable man who was used to getting what he wanted, and I was a woman hiding my past and pain from everyone, including myself. At first, I didn’t like him. He made me feel uncomfortable, demanding things, burning with an array of emotions, threatening my restraints. But I was starving for connection, and he was undeniable, demanding, and passionate. I gave in. That one night of passion changed the course of our lives.
He pushed me away when I told him I was pregnant, and then came back, demanding to be part of their lives. I didn’t trust him; he was a threat. Logan could have taken my kids from me. And I wouldn’t have survived another loss.
I was suffering from anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. But Logan Cade did nothing halfway. He wanted me even if he knew I was grieving, my fears choking me. He didn’t care I was broken, suffering from traumatic loss, barely breathing. Logan tried to help me to cope with the pain and heal. Behind that arrogant mask, he was an amazing man, patient, intelligent, caring. I loved him so much.
Shaking off my thoughts, I swallow my regrets. Instead, I talk about what my twins heard at school from their classmates. Clearly, their parents speak about me, and not in the kindest way. I try to protect them, but people are cruel, judgmental. They absorb information from social media, tabloids, and use it as a weapon to hurt us.
That’s why I can’t get involved with anyone. I can’t afford another scandal hurting my kids or another fight with their grandparents, trying to protect their reputation.
After dinner, I take my kids upstairs to the bathroom.
“Do you think aliens are real?” Leon asks me as he passes me his favorite magazine about space.
But before I can answer, my jeans pocket starts to vibrate. I pull out my phone and answer, pressing the device between my shoulders while squeezing toothpaste on their toothbrushes.
“Hey, how're the kids?” Leif, Logan’s triplet and my best friend, yawns into the speaker, clearly tired. Little Maya is a demanding little thing, as is his wife. They got very close after Logan died and a year later announced their engagement and shortly married.
