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“I’ll be back in a minute.” I twist to find Darren, who is glaring at Mark, and I waver. Perhaps I should stay and make sure my father-in-law won’t say anything to upset him.
“Go, they look tired.” He presses his lips to my forehead, and something loosens inside of me.
“I’m sleepy, Mommy.”
I decide to leave them, hoping Mark will handle Darren since I need to talk to Leif.
The strained silence between us makes my stomach coil with nerves as we both help the kids brush their teeth and then get them into pajamas. I wonder why Leif is so disapproving of the man I brought home. Is it because he knows Mark is my boss or he just hates my choice? He For past two years, he and Aisha waited for me to find someone and even tried to hook me up with a few friends of his, so I won’t be this lonely. And yet, since I brought Mark home, Leif’s acting strange.
My brother-in-law’s a man who never spared me of his cunning wisdom in the past. I can count on the fact he’ll tell me what he thinks. I just wonder if I’ll like what he has to say.
While I read the book for my kids, Leif sits on the floor opposite me, leaning his back against Liane’s bed. His unruly hair grazes his cheeks as he studies me. His sharp gaze is tight with rare seriousness. What’s going on?
When I finish reading, we both kiss them good night and leave their room.
“Good night, Mommy. Good night, Dad,” they both utter and my chest squeezes in pain, knowing they don’t have a father and Leif needs to take care of his own baby daughter.
Sensing Leif needs to unload whatever is on his chest, I don’t rush to go downstairs. “What do you think?” I ask when we leave their bedroom. He grabs my arm and tugs me after him to my bedroom.
“Why him?” he asks, towering over me with his over six feet frame while I gape at him.
“What do you mean, why him?” I jerk back my arm from his, offended he disapproves of my choice.
“He’s your boss,” he clips like I am an idiot.
“I’m aware of it,” I reply, annoyed.
“For God’s sake, Cassandra. Leave him. Mark Lawson isn’t right for you.”
“You know him?” My chest tightens, and I ball my hands at my sides.
“Does it matter? He’ll break your heart,” he simply states, raking his hair and then rubbing his face like he can’t figure out what to do with me.
“So, he isn’t good enough for me to fuck?” My chest burst with anger and bitter disappointment as I pace around my bedroom. “It’s not like for the past year, your parents paraded me in front of wealthy suitors for exactly the same reason. Or you tried to hook me up with your biker friends, tried to push me into their beds.” He opens his mouth to protest, but I shut him up. “He’s a handsome, wealthy, and successful man, not some dirty biker.” His gaze flattens at that statement. “Your family should approve of my bedmate, but they don’t want me happy, do they?”
“Cassandra . . .”
“You know”—I chuckle, sarcasm dripping from every aching syllable I utter— “I think he is perfect to fuck your brother out of my brain.”
Leif sucks in a bolstering breath as I spit the words at him like knives, needing him to suffer. Livid that his family makes me feel this cheap and insignificant, outraged he thinks I can’t make my own decisions.
“Isn’t that what you wanted, Leif, for me to get some?” My nostrils flare as the pain nips the back of my throat.
“Cassandra, that’s not what I said,” he starts.
“No, you don’t have to. Your father tries to control my every move and bully me into whatever he wants like I’m his doll on the strings. Your mother treats me like I’m dirt on her shoe. And you like a hooker.”
He seizes my arms, bringing me closer to him, digging his pale green eyes into my apprehensive ones. “You’re my sister. I’ve never treated you like a hooker. I was there for you and for your babies after my brother died because you’re my best friend and I love you. We’re family, and I want you happy, but Mark Lawson is going to hurt you,” he speaks, emphasizing every word.
“You don’t know that,” I rasp as my throat blocks with the fear of loss ingrained in my very being. Leif’s mother’s spiteful words echo my own thoughts. “Every man who’ll come to save you will fall for you and die.”
Leif lets go of my hand to brush away my hair sticking to my wet face. He kisses my forehead. “I know you’re lonely. I know your soul has been broken, and you’re suffering from all the devastation. I know your nightmares, kitten. I know how powerful those fears are, but Mark isn’t right for you.”
“Life’s a gamble, Leif. Mark could be the best thing that happens to me, or it could be the worst. But at least, Mark makes me excited and feel like I’m more than my scars. When I’m with him, I feel like a woman full of life and fire. He treats me like I’m worthy. Do you know how rare it is for me to feel this way?”
His face twists with sadness, and I know he understands; depression is a hard beast to conquer, but so is pain and loss. Sometimes you win, and sometimes it drags you into the bottomless ocean of sadness and tries to kill you. The only thing you can do is to learn to swim in the sea of sorrow and hope you’ll find the way from the darkness.
“I feel like I’m dead on the inside, Leif. I hate being alone with that hollow pain, destroying me. Sometimes it’s so powerful it feels like it could consume me.”
