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Rachel shook her head wearily. ‘Jen, be real. We’re talking Zac Lawson here. Why would he believe he couldn’t do without me? Women queue to be the next in his bed, for goodness’ sake.’
‘Did he say that?’ Jennie asked indignantly.
‘He didn’t have to. You ought to have seen that little blonde at the inn I told you about. She was practically salivating every time she looked at him. She was young and cute and up for it, believe me. And the sort of women he comes into contact with all the while—sophisticated, experienced career types—are going to be just like Angel but more blasé in their approach.’ She gazed pitifully at her friends and they both put their arms round her.
‘It’s a bummer,’ Susan muttered in her ear.
‘In a word.’ She nodded. ‘So that was why it’s no contact. Why prolong the agony? All pain and no gain. And I’d end up a head case. Well, more of a head case than I am already.’
‘Of course, if you slept with him you could always get yourself accidentally pregnant,’ Jennie said thoughtfully, ‘If you’re sure he is the one, of course.’
‘Jennie!’ Two pairs of shocked eyes stared at Zac’s cousin.
‘What?’ Jennie wasn’t the least concerned by their condemnation. ‘The best scenario is that he might realise what he’s been missing all these years—a wife and a family—and ask you to marry him and it’s happy ever after; the worst, you have the baby and not only is that always a link with him but you’ve got a little piece of Zac to love. I’m sure he’d provide for the mother of his child.’
‘I couldn’t possibly do that.’ Rachel hadn’t revealed Zac’s history and had no intention of doing so. Somehow she knew he’d hate that. ‘It would be trapping him in the worse possible way.’
‘I couldn’t agree more.’ Susan glared at Jennie.
Jennie shrugged. ‘In your place I’d do it.’
‘Which says it all.’ Susan shook her head helplessly. ‘You really are the pits at times, Jen.’
Jennie grinned, not in the least offended. ‘So hey, who said I was perfect? But one thing’s for sure, I won’t end up with a broken heart. A girl needs to be one step in front these days.’
She had a point. Rachel blew her nose and sat up straighter. She could never do what Jennie was suggesting, but this wasn’t going to crush her either. She would get through. Albeit with broken fingernails as she clung on like grim death. But she was not going to crumble.
Rachel had to remind herself of that countless times over the next days. Knowing he’d gone for good was ha
rder than she’d expected.
She came home from work on the Monday evening to find Zac had left a message on the answering machine, ostensibly for Jennie. He was sorry to have left so suddenly without thanking her for her hospitality but, as he was sure Rachel would have explained, it had been unavoidable. He’d had a short time with his grandfather before he’d passed away, for which he was thankful, but now, of course, there were funeral arrangements and things of that nature. He wished them all a merry Christmas and happy new year.
Rachel played the message ten times and then deleted it. The temptation to keep it and hear his voice was too much. Zac was back in his world, a world she could never inhabit, and once he’d come to terms with his grandfather’s death, life would go on as normal. And she had to pick up the pieces here and get on with it.
She hadn’t slept much the night before but she slept even less that night. It was one thing knowing you were doing the only thing you could for self-survival, and quite another hearing his voice. But she woke up in the morning, admittedly bleary-eyed and working on automatic, and got through the day.
The weather turned milder. The snow turned to slush and then disappeared altogether as December progressed. She was called into the office of the great ‘I am’ and told she had the manager’s position when Jeff transferred after Christmas. They were very pleased with her progress to date apparently, and she was greatly valued for who and what she was.
Rachel contemplated asking the managing director, a rosy-faced individual with a receding hairline and thin lips, if he could let her in on the secret of who she was, but decided against it. The managing director wasn’t noted for his sense of humour. But she was pleased about the promotion. If nothing else, it would provide a focus in the coming year.
She celebrated that weekend with an impromptu party for which all her friends and colleagues turned out. The flat was filled to overflowing and everyone drank too much. It was around three in the morning she found herself in the bathroom, cold, stone sober and looking down the years in front of her with something approaching horror. If only she could go to sleep and never have to wake up again, she thought. Never have to wake up to a world in which Zac didn’t feature.
The negative power of the thought was enough to jerk her out of the maelstrom of self-pity, and once everyone had gone—the last stragglers disappearing as a mother-of-pearl sky heralded a cold winter dawn—she fell into bed and slept until midday.
She awoke before Jennie and Susan and, after making herself a cup of coffee, curled up on the sofa in the sitting room, the debris of the party all around her.
She had to get some truths straight in her mind. She inhaled the fragrant aroma rising from the mug in her hands, her gaze inward looking. She could never be more than a passing pleasure in Zac’s life if she contacted him, as she ached to do. One of many females who had briefly brightened his nights and featured superficially for a short time in his life. And she couldn’t be like that. She loved him.
She twisted restlessly, wondering what he was doing right at this moment. The funeral was over, he had texted Jennie to say it had gone as well as these things ever went. He would have picked up the threads of his life in Canada by now; he might even be looking forward to the family Christmas he’d talked about, although of course it would be bitter-sweet with his grandfather’s death so recent. But Zac was rational and logical: that razor-sharp, clear mind would have determined it was time to move on.
Tears flooded into her eyes and rolled down her face. If only she could do the same. But she would, she would.
She gulped at the coffee, scalding hot though it was. She had to, even though she knew her love for him was not a passing fancy. She loved him with an intensity that had never been there with Giles, could never be there with anyone else. He was…Zac. Flawed maybe, difficult certainly, but perfect nonetheless.
Rachel stretched, but the ache in her chest was emotional, not physical. It was her heart that was being squeezed dry.
He would never understand that it was because she loved him she couldn’t cope with a temporary relationship. To him commitment meant vulnerability and pain, something that would suck the life out of him and grip him in a stranglehold. But she admitted it, she was greedy. Greedy for a total life with him, the loving, the good and bad times, all of it.
