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CHAPTER TEN
AFTER she had transformed herself into the cool, collected Mrs Allen again Kim walked straight out of the cloakroom and continued out of the building.
It was probably the coward’s way out, she told herself, as she drove along the route she had driven just an hour before, but the thought of facing Lucas again was impossible. She would write her formal resignation tonight and for the sake of propriety make the excuse of domestic difficulties making it necessary she leave immediately.
She thought, later, that it was ironic how lies could come back to haunt you.
She took the phone off the hook as soon as she got home, sitting in numb misery for an hour or more before she found the release of tears, and then after a storm of weeping that left her pale-faced and red-eyed she made herself a strong cup of black coffee and took stock.
She had burnt her boats with Lucas. It was consuming, overwhelming and she was frightened at how much it mattered. He had shown her all too succinctly that he could take her or leave her, and he’d decided to leave her. And she couldn’t blame him. She really couldn’t. When she thought of what she’d said…
She moaned softly, the sound echoing round the sitting room like the cry of a small bewildered hurt animal.
Lucas wasn’t like Graham. She stood up quickly, finishing the coffee in a few hard gulps before going upstairs and running a bath. She felt dirty; not because of what she had allowed with Lucas, funnily enough, but because of her accusations. And she hadn’t meant them—even as she’d said them she had known she hadn’t meant them. But Lucas didn’t know that, and he wouldn’t believe her now, whatever she said. He must hate her. She moaned again, hot tears coursing down her cheeks.
She continued to cry all the time she lay in the bath, but by the time she was dressed again in jeans and a long loose jumper she had told herself she had to get herself under control.
In the mercurial way of British weather, the fierce storm of the morning had given way to a mild tranquil September day that even promised sunshine for the afternoon, and Kim glanced at her watch as she came downstairs again. Half-past eleven. Six hours to go before she was due to pick up Melody and she would go mad if she spent them brooding in the house.
She glanced at the telephone and as her hand went out to replace the receiver she stopped herself.
She’d write her resignation now and then post it when she went for a walk; Lucas would receive it tomorrow morning. If he was trying to contact her now she didn’t want to know; the last thing she could do was to talk to him. She would break down and humiliate herself further, beg him to forgive her or something similar, and he had shown her—in words and action—that he was finished with her.
How come it had taken losing him irrevocably to tell her she was the biggest fool in the world? But then perhaps she had never really had him in the first place? Why would a man like Lucas Kane want her? All the old insecurities and doubts flooded in, but although they tried to convince her she had done the right thing, that finishing this affair that wasn’t an affair was the safe and right thing to do, they didn’t hold their normal power.
She should have given him—and herself—a chance. The tumult in her breast was sickening as she realised the enormity of her mistake. He had done everything right, everything, and she had thrown it all back in his face.
And Lucas was right. Graham had won. Even from the grave he was still winning. And she had let him, she had aided and abetted him.
Lucas had said he loved her. Whether that would have led to more, to marriage even, she didn’t know, but now she never would.
She pulled out her notepaper and envelopes, and before she had time to lose her nerve she wrote Lucas a letter telling him exactly how she felt. She wrenched all the barriers down and bared her soul, exposed herself so completely that she felt she’d become a little child again, vulnerable and unprotected. She didn’t beg or plead, she didn’t ask to be taken back either in his heart or as his secretary, she just told him how she felt about him. And she finished by saying she was enclosing her letter of resignation. If he wanted to accept it she understood. If he was willing to give her a second chance he could tear it up and let her know accordingly.
Once she had written her notice and sealed the two pieces of paper in the envelope she felt slightly better.
She would go for a walk. It had been ages since she had walked alone in the fresh air, and she would post the envelope while she was out.
She’d made a mess of everything, a terrible, unforgivable mess, and it had separated her—and Melody—from the one man in all the world she would ever love. If Lucas didn’t love her enough to forgive her she only had herself to blame; she had given him very little in their one-sided relationship. Her one hope was Lucas himself, because he wasn’t like other men. He was head and shoulders above even the best of them.
She left the house quickly, tears trickling down her cheeks again, but once she was walking in the mild September afternoon the tears dried up, although the sick churning in her stomach didn’t get any better.
After posting the letter she went for a walk on nearby woodland that housed an adventure playground, sitting for some time on one of the wooden benches overlooking the children’s playing area with the weak sun warming her face and the musky smell of wet vegetation wafting on the autumn breeze.
It was nearly four o’clock when she ventured home, and as she turned the corner of the street and saw a car parked outside her house she only gave it a cursory glance. The red Cavalier was not a car she recognised.
It was only as she turned on to her drive that the car door opened and Charlie, Lucas’s caretaker at the plant, called her name.
‘Charlie?’ Kim stared at him in absolute amazement. ‘What on earth are you doing here?’ she asked, walking over to the car and peering in at his hoary face. ‘How did you know where I live?’
‘The boss told me.’ It was the way Charlie always referred to Lucas. ‘He was looking for you earlier. He’s been
ringing you all day, from what I can make out, and after he’d come here and you weren’t in, I said I’d come and wait outside.’
‘You did?’ Kim was completely lost but there was something in the old man’s face that was alarming her. ‘I don’t understand.’
‘He’d have come back himself but he thought he’d be more use at the hospital,’ Charlie said disjointedly. ‘And he didn’t want everyone sticking their oar in, nosy lot some of ’em, but you know how he talks to me. Go back a long way, me and the boss. Known him since he was a nipper.’ And then, as though that had reminded him, he said quietly, ‘It’s your little ’un, love. Don’t get yourself in a panic, but she was a bit poorly at school.’
‘Melody?’ Kim’s face drained of colour. ‘Where is she?’
