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‘It won’t happen again.’
‘I should hope not if you’re marrying Scaevola tomorrow.’
‘If?’ A rush of anger overtook her. ‘It’s not as if I have a choice. If there was any other way, then believe me, I’d take it!’
The older woman was silent and Livia bit her tongue, regretting her temper.
‘I’m sorry, but Scaevola isn’t the only one who’s being controlled by my brother. I wasn’t offered a choice about this marriage either.’
‘I know.’ Hermenia wrapped an arm around her shoulders. ‘Don’t you have any money of your own? A way to be independent?’
‘No. My father left me some, but it went to Julius on our marriage.’
‘But surely your husband left you provided for?’
‘No, he left Julia and me with nothing, not even a place to live. He wanted to leave us dependent on my brother, I think. It was a kind of revenge.’
She dropped her gaze, letting Hermenia draw her own conclusions about his reasons for doing so. After what she’d just seen, she’d probably think the worst.
‘Was he cruel to you?’
She looked up again, surprised by the note of sympathy in the other woman’s voice.
‘No... Yes... I mean, no, not at first, but he changed. He was much older than I was and he came to regret marrying me.’ She put up a hand before Hermenia could protest. ‘He said so.’
‘Well, I’m sure it wasn’t because of anything you did. Some people just aren’t suited.’
‘Maybe not, but now I have to do it all over again because if I don’t we’ll be destitute.’ She shook her head. ‘I’d hoped that Scaevola would be a different kind of man, but he’s even worse than Julius.’
‘Whereas Marius...?’
‘Marius...’ She repeated his name softly, letting it hang in the air between them. ‘He is different, but I know it’s no use thinking that.’
‘Good. Because for both your sakes...’
‘I know.’
She felt as if there were a lead weight in her chest. But at least she did know the truth, that no matter how attracted she was to Marius, no good could come of it. If it had been Scaevola who’d caught them, then there definitely wouldn’t have been a wedding going ahead tomorrow and as for Marius—what would have happened to him? A flogging? Demotion? She didn’t want to be responsible for either.
‘I won’t say anything.’ Hermenia squeezed her shoulders one last time before releasing her. ‘Believe me, if there was something I could do...’
Livia forced a smile, hearing the echo of Marius’s words earlier. ‘You’ve been kind enough already. Thank you.’
She closed the chamber door behind her. Just like that morning, Julia and Porcia were both already asleep and she leaned back against the wall, letting herself slide gently to the floor.
How could she have let it happen, endangering her whole future just for the sake of one kiss? Hadn’t she told herself that very morning to keep away from him? She felt as if she’d actually run mad for a few minutes, but everything had seemed to hit her at once—the possibility of a Caledonian rebellion, the idea of Marius leading a dangerous patrol, the secret of her own divided loyalties, not to mention her anger at Tarquinius and Scaevola. She’d been so confused and frustrated that she’d shamelessly asked him to kiss her! But then she’d only intended it to be brief—a single, fleeting kiss that no one else would have witnessed. She hadn’t been remotely prepared for the tumult of emotion that had followed.
She pressed her fingers to her mouth, the memory of it still making her lips tingle. Marius had kissed her with an urgency that had awoken something inside her she hadn’t known existed. She’d felt urgent, too. She’d wanted—no, needed—it to be everything, a whole lifetime of sensations crammed into a few moments. Maybe it had been the risk of discovery or maybe just the desperate situation in which they’d found themselves, but she’d surrendered all of her inhibitions, kissing him with all the passion she’d kept pent up inside through the miserable long years of her marriage.
It had felt more real, more powerful and profound than any kiss she’d ever shared with her husband, as if the rest of the world had fallen away and there had only been her and Marius and a feeling of intense, spine-tingling, light-headed pleasure. She had no idea how long it had lasted, but it hadn’t felt like anywhere near enough. She wasn’t sure that it could ever have been long enough. Even now, despite everything, she wanted more.
But Hermenia was right. It was too dangerous for it ever to happen again. The moment was gone and she had that at least, the memory of one real kiss to sustain her in the future. No matter what her life with Scaevola was going to be like, and she didn’t anticipate a happy one, at least she had one moment of real intimacy—she wasn’t going to call it love—to remember.
* * *
Marius stormed back to the barracks, barging his way through the door that led to his private quarters and slamming it heavily behind him. The mist that he’d been riding through all day had turned into a fog, thick and impenetrable, so that he had no idea what to think, still less what to do. All he knew was what he wanted and that was utterly and completely forbidden.
He picked up a flagon of wine and drank a few cupfuls in quick succession. He rarely drank to excess, but tonight oblivion seemed particularly tempting.
