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She didn't turn to leave.
Here's where she slams the hammer down, my inner voice warned me. I waited for her to make the next move.
She seemed to be taking a moment to work up her courage. Was the "rapist" accusation about to fly? Finally, she spoke.
"Did you mean what you said last night, Derek?" she asked directly.
"About what?" I feigned ignorance, hoping the word "rape" would not enter the conversation.
"That you've always loved me..." she responded bluntly.
I gazed directly into her clear blue eyes. "Yes, I meant it," I responded.
"And that you want me to have your babies?"
"Yes, I meant that too."
She shook her head and closed her eyes. "You know what, Derek?"
"No -- what?" I couldn't imagine what she was going to say.
"This hell I was telling you about last night -- wanting to have sex but feeling like I had to save myself for marriage..."
"Yes -- what about it?" I asked.
"I didn't want to have sex with just anybody -- I wanted to have sex with YOU."
I felt a little bit lighter in my chest. "Well, my roommate told me you called l
ooking for me..."
"Yes, but then I got so nervous that I had to get drunk before I could work up the nerve to see you," she confessed.
I was beginning to see the picture more clearly. "So you came looking for me to have sex with me. But that whole 'fear of hell' and 'need for non-consent' thing -- is that real?"
"Scary real," she replied. "I wasn't just messing with your head."
"So did I actually -- rape you?"
There was a stricken look in her eyes.
I feared the worst. I started to babble. "I mean, I would never want to hurt you or traumatize you, Holly. I was so conflicted, knowing that you said you WANTED me to rape you in order to help you out of your moral dilemma..."
Her shoulders sagged and her head dropped. Then she looked back up at me, a tear once again forming in each eye.
"Derek, I'm so sorry about that. I'm so messed up. I had to try to convince myself that I wasn't consenting. But Derek -- I wanted it -- wanted YOU -- SO MUCH."
I breathed a sigh of relief. I reached out and gently stroked her cheek.
"So does that mean I'm not going to jail, but you're going to hell?" I joked.
I immediately wished I hadn't said it -- I felt like such an idiot, making fun of something that had given her such pain.
I think she could see the remorse in my eyes. She smiled at me and stroked my cheek in return.
"You took away that fear when you told me you loved me and wanted to have babies with me. Imagine that -- I find out just as you're plowing your cock into my pussy that it's more than just a physical act for you. I could have killed you right then and there!"
"Is that why you called me a bastard?"
