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“It’s no accident that Nost is so successful. I’m not the only one who feels this way,” he said. “I’m not alone. I made Nost because it seemed safe, it seemed like a way to ensure that nobody got close enough to hurt me again. I did it to protect myself, because if I fell for Sasha, I could fall for someone else, and I didn’t want to be that vulnerable ever again.” Xavier stared at the floor, unable to meet her gaze. Emma saw how vulnerable he was, how open. He looked up then, his golden eyes full of sadness...and something more, guilt. Then it clicked for Emma.
“There wasn’t anything wrong with you walking away from Sasha. I know you must feel guilty about that.”
Xavier’s head snapped up, defensiveness in his posture. “Why do you say that?”
“Because of your father. Your father showed you a model of always staying with the person you love, no matter how bad it gets. And you must’ve felt like maybe...maybe you weren’t strong enough to stay with Sasha. But that’s not right at all. You stood up for your needs, and that’s healthy. That’s important. It actually makes you strong, not weak.”
“I...” Xavier just stared at her, speechless. “How did you know that? I don’t think I’ve ever really known that. But... You’re right. My father, he always seemed so perfect in love, so patient. I’m not that patient. Never was.”
“And that’s okay. Don’t you see?” She squeezed his hand tighter. “Not every relationship is a life sentence. Some don’t work out and that’s okay, too.”
Xavier studied their hands, intertwined. “You make it sound so easy.”
“It can be,” she urged him.
Xavier leaned forward and gently took her hand in his. “I never thought I’d even consider love again, but you make me wonder. You got past the wall I built, and it was a pretty amazing wall. A hundred feet high, made of steel.”
Emma felt her heart surge a little. She had? But did she want that? Xavier was damaged, possibly beyond repair.
“But you don’t believe in monogamy.”
“That’s right.” He nodded.
“You think all relationships die.”
“Yes.”
“So...what are you asking me?” Emma didn’t know if she could give him what she wanted. Or that he could give her what she needed.
“I want...to get to know you.” The words seemed almost to stick in his throat. “When I’m not with you, I’m thinking about you all the time. I’m Googling you. Hacking the Nost database to find out even the smallest detail about you. You intrigue me, Emma Allaire. Even now, wearing that plaid flannel, no makeup on... All I want to do is strip you naked and make you come.”
Emma felt warmth creep into her cheeks. All of that was so flattering...and yet, he never wanted a real relationship. He said as much.
“But I thought you didn’t want a relationship,” she said. “You were so sure.”
“I’m not sure I do, and that’s just me being honest,” Xavier said. “But if I did want one, I’d want one with you.”
Xavier moved slowly closer to her, leaned in so their knees touched. Emma felt a spark even through her flannel bottoms. Why did the proximity of this man do such things to her? She knew she ought to keep her guard up and yet, all she wanted to do right then was lean forward and put her mouth on his.
“Be honest with me, Emma. Do you even know what you want? You had experience before me, but that experience...well...” He grinned. “You’ve had boyfriends who’ve never pleasured you the way I have.”
This was a true statement.
“Do you want to explore this chemistry? You and I both know this doesn’t come along every day. Do you really want to end it?” That had been her argument, and now he’d co-opted it. Xavier was now firmly in her personal space. She could smell his scent: something spicy and sweet. No, she didn’t want to end it. Not really. That had been a lie.
He leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “Say the word, and I’ll go.”
“I—I don’t want you to go.” Her voice was a low croak.
“Then, come here.” His voice left no room for argument as he patted his own lap. She slid off her chair and went to him, her body seeming to have a mind of its own. She straddled him on her sofa, distantly realizing her curtains beyond were slightly parted. This is more privacy than an alley, she reasoned, but somehow, with Xavier, she still felt on display. It was the way he looked at her, drinking her in.
He tackled the buttons of her pajama top one by one, each one releasing a bit more skin, as she stared at him. Now that she knew more about him, about his difficult childhood, all she wanted to do was comfort him, make it better, heal those old wounds. Knowing more about him made her fiercely protective, too. I want to fix you, she thought in her head, as he slid her top free. Naked beneath, she arched her back a bit, her nipples puckering in the cool air of her condo. He murmured his appreciation as he rubbed one nipple with his finger, and cupped the other breast with his hand.
